Ask Amy Archives: baby birthday bummer

[lemonsharks]

Note: this letter is from 2011.

Dear Amy: We just celebrated my daughter’s first birthday with a wonderful party at a catering hall. We had live entertainment, food, an open bar for the adults, flowers, balloons, favors, you name it!

I spent months planning for this party to make it a perfect event. This is my third child, and every party has been a big event like this one.

My problem is rude guests. More than half of the party (20 families) responded several days past the RSVP date. They showed up one to two hours late with no apology, and some left early.

These guests took it upon themselves to sit wherever they wanted, even when I had place cards with assigned seating. As much as I love to throw parties for my children, in the end, I feel disappointed, insulted and used.

Should I stop having these parties, or should I continue doing what my children and I enjoy and ignore the rudeness?

Frustrated Mother

Dear Frustrated: It’s somewhat refreshing to learn that even in this tough economy there are still people who throw cotillions for 1-year-olds.

You need a reality check. You also need a reality show. If you had your own show, your guests’ rudeness — and your reaction — would be highlighted for the amusement of the rest of us.

Every time you host one of these extravaganzas you emerge with the same frustrations, so you should do an objective postmortem to figure out what you could do differently in order to have a different result.

I suggest that you adjust your expectations somewhat regarding timely RSVPs, consider doing away with your seating chart, and adjust the length of your event. Your only other option is to get different guests.

Comments

[lemonsharks]

I.....what.

How.

HOW?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say oh my god rich people are weird.

Because how else would someone plan this kind of party for their one year old with an infant and two other kids in the house in what was the middle of the housing market crash recession of 2008-??

[lilysea]

Because how else would someone plan this kind of party for their one year old with an infant and two other kids in the house in what was the middle of the housing market crash recession of 2008-??

Yeah, there's a very strong argument for "have a less expensive party for your kid, make a big cash donation to a foodbank" here...

[frenzy]

A SEATING CHART AT A 1 YEAR OLDS BIRTHDAY PARTY.

also: baby birthdays are so insufferable and boring. Be happy the guest showed up (probably with a present) as opposed to angry they didnt stay all 4 hours bored.

[resonant]

Seating chart for one-year-old's birthday: a machine-washable blanket on the floor and another one on the couch. Done.

[topaz_eyes]

Somehow I don't believe LW is throwing these parties for her children...

[minoanmiss]

*rotfl*

[sporky_rat]

As far as most of the people I grew up around, baby birthdays were a chance go sit with fellow adults and have a glass of something Adult and talk to other adults, maybe eat some food that isn't easy to clean up and make food (like bacon wrapped jalapeno and cream cheese bites).

This kind of shindig is so beyond over the top, wow.

[sporky_rat]

Also to congratulate the parents on making it to the next birthday without absolutely losing their minds and that the child survived that long so far. (There'd been a nasty infant mortality thing about thirty years before I was born, most of my parents' friends remembered it)

[mommy]

My gut reaction to throwing a formal party complete with RSVP and seating charts for a toddler's birthday is "But why?" I firmly believe that parties with a guest of honor should emphasize the guest of honor's preferences, and I just can't see a toddler caring about formal party etiquette at all. LW could have offered cupcakes in the park and be done with it without upsetting anyone.

I'm putting this entire letter in the "rich people are weird" category.

treating LW's distress seriously out of kindness

[movingfinger]

1. If LW really needs the guest count to be accurate (for catering in this case, for favors, for whatever), they'll have to follow up with the non-RSVP'ing invitees a day or so after the reply-by date and build that time into the schedule. Especially for parents bringing children, there could be a lot of reasons for waffling and not committing until the last possible minute.

2. Amy is actually right? The late arrivals and early departures should tell LW they're not reading their crowd well. A more casual event, held outside perhaps at a pool or inside at a venue with child-minding type activities might be more attractive. Save the formal sit-downs for ceremonies like bat/bar mitzvah and prom.

3. Most people give up on this kind of organized fun around month 1 of baby 2, so props to LW for sustained effort! I do feel LW is channeling some frustrated hyperdriven organizer activity and would be happier if they went into a career as a wedding or event planner.



Also: Was 2011 pre-Instagram? I think so? Is this letter from Hyacinth Bucket?

[harpers_child]

Having recently attended a birthday party for a one year old, I feel like I'm in a unique position to say: This party is way too much for a one year old. How much of it did the baby spend crying because she was overstimulated? Wouldn't the baby have been happier with a cupcake in the backyard? How many people were there that you needed a seating chart?

My sister did a drive by of extended family and friends for waving and present drop off (nephew is very into waving right now and has recently discovered blowing kisses) and then a visiting type party with finger food and cupcakes for close family (10 people including parents, parents siblings, and grandparents). And the guest of honor still had a few overwhelmed moments.

[likeaduck]

Ugh "very into waving" is such a charming (and easily catered-to) interest. Babies!

[mirlacca]

Place cards???? At a birthday party for a ONE-year-old?

I do not even want to know how entitled that kid is going to be as she grows up.

Betting the guests are arriving late/leaving early to avoid interacting with the LW.