Two letters to Annie on a theme

[conuly]

Dear Annie: My sisters and I always took turns having the family Christmas at our respective houses. Six years ago, it was my turn to be the hostess. I was in the kitchen all morning cooking. As everyone arrived and was going through the buffet line, I noticed no one was taking much food. Some were not even getting a plate. I asked why my daughter wasn't eating anything. She said she ate too much at my older sister's earlier. I felt like a train hit me. My sister said she just "ended up" having a brunch at her house for whoever wanted to stop by to pick up extra gifts. It turns out that she had baked a ham, made several casseroles, prepared a big vegetable tray, salads and a few desserts. She had invited our entire family except my husband and me.

was pretty upset and said, "Well if I'd known you were going to have something at noon, we would have just came to your house, too, and I wouldn't have spent the time all morning cooking and preparing for everyone to come here." She said, "Well, that's why I didn't tell you, because I knew you would be mad."

She didn't apologize and ended up leaving shortly after by going to get her and my brother-in-law's coats and waving a Merry Christmas, saying they had to be somewhere and left. My Christmas was ruined.

All I can gather is that she moved into a condo earlier in the year and wanted to have everyone for Christmas. Had she asked me if she could've hosted Christmas, then I gladly would've let her.

Since then, I've hardly seen my sister. She started "forgetting" my birthdays. She still kept in touch with my daughters, and her husband and daughter have come to my house for get-togethers. But she always says she's too busy.

I'd just like to know what you think about what happened. Was I being overly sensitive about the Christmas meal? Obviously, she never intends to apologize for the disaster, and I'm sure it's too late now anyway. I just wonder what an outsider would think. -- Sidelined Sister

Dear Sidelined: Your sister might never apologize, but you can still forgive her. Do it for your own sake. Write a letter expressing how hurt you've been by her actions over the last six years. Then write another letter expressing how you love her anyway. Don't mail either of them. Treat it as a therapeutic exercise, to process your feelings and air frustrations.

Then try reaching out to her. Express how you've felt sad that she hasn't been in your life much these past few years and that you'd like to change that. Hopefully, that ice between you two will start to melt. You're sisters, and it would be a sin to let one holiday meal ruin your relationship for the rest of your life.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2488898

*****************

Dear Annie: This has bothered me for a while, and I just can't get over it. My brother got divorced when his children were very small. His ex, "Susie," always said that we, "the family," were the cause of their divorce, even though Susie cheated on him. I have dealt with it over the years and decided it is not my problem or my fault, and I'm over that part of my life. My brother and Susie did a fine job of co-parenting their children, who have now grown into decent adults.

Here is the problem. Five years ago, my niece was getting married. The wedding day was on my 50th birthday. When we received the invitation for the wedding, it was addressed to my husband. And in an afterthought, "and guess" -- yes, they misspelled "guest" -- was scrawled beneath his name on the envelope.

I know that Susie was the one who addressed the envelope, and she was intentionally snubbing me. I was hurt that they couldn't even put my name on the invitation, or at least have addressed it to "Mr. and Mrs." followed by our last name. We have been married for 15 years. And besides, I'm the one more closely related to my niece. My husband is only related through our marriage.

I was sure that a confrontation would have happened between Susie and me if I'd gone. I didn't want to do that to my niece on her big day.

Because of that, and because I wasn't really invited, I decided to skip the wedding and celebrate my 50th birthday instead. Well, it bothered my brother -- a lot. And in the five years since, he's hardly spoken to me.

Since our dad passed away earlier this year, I've called my brother several times. He doesn't answer the phone. A couple times, I've called my mom's house, and he's answered. But he's quick to hand off the phone to her and hardly says a word. So now I've stopped calling or texting. Obviously, it still bothers him that I didn't go. Now I'm an outcast to the family. My mom is the only one that speaks to me. I love my brother. I never expected him to get this mad. What I'm wondering is this: Should I have just bit the bullet and put my feelings aside and went to the wedding? What can I do now? -- Not Really Invited

Dear Not Really Invited: The invitation was sent by your ex-sister-in-law, but the wedding was your niece's. I don't think it was fair to effectively punish her (and your brother) for a slight they had nothing to do with it. But there's no use dwelling on wouldas, couldas or shouldas. Your second question -- what to do now -- is the one that really counts. And my advice on that front is to swallow your pride, let go of your anger and apologize to your brother. Let him know that your dad's death has made you realize how short life is and how precious family is. Ask that you put aside your differences and open up a dialogue again. Send the letter via email and regular mail, so that he has a better chance of reading it. If he still shuts you out, you can find serenity in knowing that you've done what you can. The rest is out of your hands.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2488689

Comments

[conuly]

I'm not even looking at the advice for these this time, because honestly I don't care that much.

However, I do have opinions on the letters.

1. I am reasonably certain that the Xmas buffet was a symptom of the problem, not the actual cause. LW needs to decide if she wants to bother to extend an olive branch at all. If so, forgive and forget is the name of the game. At least this estrangement is just between the two of them - in my family, two sisters squabbling (since childhood, I believe, though the final split was probably over inheritance) managed to divide the entire family into camps. Eh, it's a big family.

2. I'll take LW's word for it that this invitation was a deliberate snub instead of the sort of mistake that's bound to happen when a person with a lot of invitations to write out decides to do them all by hand rather than sending them to a calligrapher.

That still doesn't justify or explain LW's decision to just ghost the wedding. Did they explain why or send their regrets? (Or, let's face it, a gift?) What does Niece think of all this?

I think Susie's right about one thing - even though she cheated, there's a good chance that she's not the sole cause of the divorce. I'm getting the distinct impression that this family, at the very least, doesn't have healthy communication habits.

[tielan]

1. I really get twitchy when people say "it's a sin" to let family go. NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO. And I say this as someone who has family that I love and whom other people would probably wish they had.

At a basic reading, sister was a bitch. Is currently being a bitch. I doubt she's changed in the five years since. That doesn't mean LW has to stay involved with her - she has other sisters from the way I read the letter? Although given that Other Sisters didn't tell LW that Party-Stealing Sister was holding something that Christmas morning, I'm not so sure about the family dynamics there.

I won't say that LW has to forgive and forget (although the letter-writing-but-not-sending would probably help her get her feelings out), but if she's mad six years later, she certainly needs some kind of catharsis.

--

Yes, LW2 was stupid. It was her niece's wedding, she said she knew her SIL 'disinvited' her, and she still chose to forgo the niece's celebration over something the girl's mother did - and who knows how the mother painted it. And then she apparently left it sitting for five years before her dad died and oh now she wants to get in touch with her brother.

What did the ex-SIL tell the brother about LW's absence from the wedding? How does the rest of the family see LW's decision? Is there anyone who can act as mediator? Is there anyone in LW's family apart from mum who's still talking to her and has the nous to confront brother? Are they even a confrontational family?

Also, am I the only one who sees the phrase "put aside your differences" and feels shuddery? IME, the person most likely to put aside differences is also the person most likely to end up trampled on because the one who can't/won't sees that the other person will compromise and runs riot.

[minoanmiss]

I am so with you on "put aside your differences". ugh. (And on all of this, really.)

[ysobel]

Also, am I the only one who sees the phrase "put aside your differences" and feels shuddery?

Nope.

"Put aside your differences" rarely means putting aside legitimate-but-trivial differences (like favorite flavor of ice cream). It's more often "we don't like hearing about the unpleasant things so stop complaining", as though "holding a grudge" (i.e. holding someone responsible for their behavior) is on equal footing with abusive behavior, and so victim and perpetrator are equally responsible.

"Yes, Inigo, the six-fingered man killed your father and left you with physical and psychological scars, but to be fair, you said mean things, so let's put aside our differences and all be friends." -Humperdinck, probably, if he'd had the chance

[conuly]

It's right up there with "agree to disagree". I do not agree to disagree with unreasonable propositions, thank you. I agree to nothing.

[mommy]

1. It feels like LW left out the part of the context explaining her relationship with her sister back before the Illicit Christmas Brunch. The "well, that's why I didn't tell you" bit combined with everyone else getting an invite suggests that their relationship had been on the rocks well before that Christmas. Missing missing reasons, maybe? Or maybe LW is just a terrible cook and everyone wanted to fill up first?

2. LW might have decided that she wasn't culpable in her brother's divorce, but clearly her former sister-in-law disagrees. And LW completely skipped over that era of her life, so all I see is passive aggression answering passive aggression, resulting in her becoming estranged from her brother.

[movingfinger]

There's something else going on with LW1, because not even her daughters mentioned to her that Aunty was hosting a giant brunch on Christmas Day.

LW1 is excused from ever cooking for any of these people again. Or hosting them for anything. Including her own kids. And it sounds as though everyone would be okay with that.

[fleurrochard]

Tbh, I see the fact that niece chose to have her wedding on her aunt's 50th birthday as a sign that she doesn't really care about her anyway. Not that I think she chose that date on purpose, but that she simply doesn't care. Because seriously, could have LW2 celebrated her birthday AT niece's wedding without being considered very rude? I doubt it.

[rmc28]

Yeah, I mean you can't bring your own celebration into the wedding. If niece wanted to, she could include LW2's birthday in the wedding somehow, but it's very much a one-way thing.

(Mind you, I had some people telling me I ought to be offended that my mother remarried on my son's first birthday. I didn't mind at all: I didn't have to organise a party he wouldn't remember, and I never forget my mother's wedding anniversary.)

[cereta]

I'll be in the minority and say that I don't see the big deal about the birthday. I know very few people who celebrate their birthday ON their birthday. They usually wait until the weekend.

[conuly]

You think the wedding was mid-week?

[cereta]

No, I was just making the point that most people don't seem to feel that their actual natal day is the only day they can celebrate. So they celebrate the weekend before instead of after. Or for that matter, one year, you don't get a big celebration of your birthday. Big whoop. I am pretty invested in my yearly Chilifest birthday party, and I still wouldn't take it amiss if a niece scheduled her wedding the Saturday before Thanksgiving. Perhaps my bar is low. One of my siblings gave a dog my name. I just don't think this is worth all this sturm and drang.

[sara]

Yeah, I love my aunties and we have (with one exception) usually gotten on well, but the only one whose birthday I know by heart is the one whose birthday is the same day as mine.

Though to be fair I haven't gone to every family wedding, either. I had small kids and nobody to leave them with, so if an invitation said adults only, I sent a nice gift.