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Dear Annie: My grandchildren are not allowed to receive gifts from me. I crocheted a scarf, and it was tossed in a dumpster. I bought earrings, and the post was broken. You get the picture. So, I have been putting money in the bank instead. Problem solved? No!
Now when a passbook indicates that my grandchild has $7,000 in the bank, there is a sarcastic comment that it won't even be enough to buy a book in college. I ignore the statements because I know where they come from, and there is no reason for me to upset my son. Problem solved? No.
Now, I understand that the problem is that he feels ignored in my company. It's not that we don't speak to one another. We do. I think that the attention-getting tactics are frustrating for my son because they no longer warrant a reaction from me. They're predicable after so many years. Why bother addressing such behavior? It only reenforces it. -- Hurt Grandma
Dear Hurt: You keep addressing the problem behavior because it is just that -- a problem behavior. Without tackling it head-on, it will continue to be a problem. Being so rude, dismissive and ungrateful as your son sounds can't make him feel good about himself. The way he is speaking to you, or how he treats your gifts, is unacceptable. If he can't stop making rude comments about your gifts, then you might stop your generosity. But if you do that, the ones who would be hurt are your grandchildren.
Try to have a serious and noncritical conversation with your son, and make sure that your attention is focused solely on him. He might open up. If he remains cold and hostile, then encourage him to seek professional help or offer to go to family counseling. If he refuses to go, seek therapy yourself as a way to sort out what's really going on between you and your son.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2480543
Now when a passbook indicates that my grandchild has $7,000 in the bank, there is a sarcastic comment that it won't even be enough to buy a book in college. I ignore the statements because I know where they come from, and there is no reason for me to upset my son. Problem solved? No.
Now, I understand that the problem is that he feels ignored in my company. It's not that we don't speak to one another. We do. I think that the attention-getting tactics are frustrating for my son because they no longer warrant a reaction from me. They're predicable after so many years. Why bother addressing such behavior? It only reenforces it. -- Hurt Grandma
Dear Hurt: You keep addressing the problem behavior because it is just that -- a problem behavior. Without tackling it head-on, it will continue to be a problem. Being so rude, dismissive and ungrateful as your son sounds can't make him feel good about himself. The way he is speaking to you, or how he treats your gifts, is unacceptable. If he can't stop making rude comments about your gifts, then you might stop your generosity. But if you do that, the ones who would be hurt are your grandchildren.
Try to have a serious and noncritical conversation with your son, and make sure that your attention is focused solely on him. He might open up. If he remains cold and hostile, then encourage him to seek professional help or offer to go to family counseling. If he refuses to go, seek therapy yourself as a way to sort out what's really going on between you and your son.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2480543
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no matter what, Annie is 100% wrong. When she answers "because it is just that, a problem behavior" that is the opposite of the truth. It is a problematic symptom. Is it a symptom of the fact that the son is an utter ass, and the LW needs to find some way to keep a relationship with their grandchildren that doesn't exacerbate issues or risk harming the grandchildren? Is it a symptom of the fact that the LW doesn't want to admit to the things they did that made the son angry, which means the things that they do to maintain a relationship with their grandchildren have to be completely different? Is it a symptom of both of them being terrible? I'm not in general a huge fan of the more therapeutic model of "you always need to know what's gone wrong in order to address the current problems" but in this case it's true.
The LW doesn't get into their own motivations here, either. Do they just want to maintain a relationship with their grandchildren? Do they want to fix the problem with their child? Do they want to win a battle and feel smart? Do they want to cause minimal harm to the grandchildren?