Dear Abby: Accented in Georgia

[amadi]

Dear Abby: I have lived in the U.S. for 40 years. My first 32 years were spent in Puerto Rico, so I speak with an accent. My problem is almost everyone I meet asks me where I’m from. I usually try to disguise my discomfort by jokingly asking them to guess. The truth is, I feel singled out as not belonging. My friends tell me I’m being too sensitive. Would it be impolite for me to point out that they’re asking for very personal information?
Accented in Georgia

Dear Accented: I think so. People are often curious when someone has an accent. I have a strong Midwestern accent, and people ask me where I’m from. They aren’t asking because they are nosy; they’re trying to be friendly. Many people in this country come from other places, and the more who come, the more often that question will be raised.

Comments

[amadi]

The idea that people ask about accents to be friendly, particularly with Latinx people, is so stunningly naive and privilege-laden I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. Or both.

[cereta]

Basically, yes. I mean, I have a bit of linguistics training, and am fascinated by US regional accents, but even I know better than to ask where a random stranger or new acquaintance is from.

[cheyinka]

There's also a big difference between "Oh, I love your accent!" or "Oh, you sound like my Puerto Rican grandmother!" and "Where are you from?" - only one implies that someone who has spent more than half of their life in the US is only a visitor since they don't sound like Dan Rather.

[amadi]

It also feels a little gaslight-y, to me, to try to equate a presumed foreign accent to a Midwestern one.

[cheyinka]

Yeah - nobody's wondering if the writer is from Minnesota or Michigan, they're wondering what country they're from, how recently they arrived, and perhaps (if they're uncharitable) whether the writer's in the country legally. :(

[redbird]

Gaslighty and unhelpful.

Even if Abby is genuinely missing the point, she could at least have suggested something like "I'm from $town, where are you from?" If the people were just being friendly, they would be happy to talk about themselves; if not, being asked the superficially polite question themselves might make them think.

[wordweaverlynn]

They've spent their entire life here. Puerto Rico is part of the US.

[moem]

I'm surprised that anyone would consider this 'very personal information'. There seems to be a cultural difference at play here.
But since it seems to genuinely bother the letter writer, it might feel better for them to simply reply with their current location, and if the other party persists, to say 'I don't see how it matters. I'm an American.'

[madripoor_rose]

I've learned online that many people now find this an intrusive question. Where and when I grew up it was considered rude and slightly racist NOT to ask, implying that you didn't care to know anything about them, their culture or family history.

Times change.

[minoanmiss]

It's one of those qquestions that has become awfully fraught because awful people ruined it for the rest of us by using it to hurt people.

As an immigrant myself I am fascinated by how people around me end up in the US. As someone with an East Coast American English accent I know I can hurt people by asking incautiously. When I feel I can ask I start out by saying "My family's from Jamaica, where is yours from? My parents came here bla bla bla..." to indicate that I'm asking out of fellow feeling, not a desire to proclaim them foreigners.

But still, sometimes I don't ask. Other people's comfort is more important than my curiosity, you know?