Prudie: Forced play-dates with disabled classmate

[colorwheel]

Dear Prudence,

My daughter, “Poppy,” is in second grade. There’s another girl in her class, “Kim,” who has Down syndrome. Her mother is very nice and approached us within the first few weeks of starting elementary school about arranging a play date. We’ve reciprocated once or twice a term ever since. Poppy has become increasingly reluctant to participate because she can’t connect with Kim the same way she does with her other friends. She finds conversation difficult and awkward, and there is starting to open up a gulf in maturity between the girls.

I have repeatedly explained to Poppy how important these play dates are to Kim, the value of inclusivity, how Kim finds it harder to make friends than other girls do, and why it is a kind thing to do. I believe that Poppy understands all this, but she still doesn’t enjoy them. I’ve resorted to bribing Poppy by telling her I will take her to McDonald’s afterward if she plays nicely with Kim for a couple of hours. I’m not very comfortable with this practice, and it feels like this is more a charitable act than real friendship.

Poppy doesn’t want to go on another play date with Kim. I don’t know what to say to Kim’s mother. I don’t have any friends with intellectual disabilities, and to be honest, it would probably not be my preference to pursue such a friendship for exactly the same reasons as Poppy has vocalized. I feel like I am expecting Poppy to do something I do not do. I do not think the same problem would arise with a child with a physical disability because Poppy would still be able to connect socially with that child. As you know, little girl relationships are based on communication, rather than action, so I think it is harder with girls than it would have been with boys. I am reluctant to force a play date on Poppy because it will likely result in her being surly with Kim when she arrives. At the same time, I do not want to refuse play dates with Kim. I do not get the impression that Kim gets many play date offers from other families.

—Reluctant Play Dates


Let’s scale back a little bit here. I can’t quite buy the idea that it’s somehow hypocritical to encourage your daughter to play nicely with Kim once or twice a semester just because you don’t have any adult friends with Down syndrome in your own life. That seems rather like a dodge, and an obvious one too. Poppy does have Kim in her life, and the question of how to treat Kim is a relevant and immediate one that doesn’t require a direct analogy in yours. Nor do I think that occasionally offering your kid McDonald’s as an incentive to play nicely with a classmate they’re not wild about is necessarily the first step toward raising a total mercenary who only seeks to do the right thing if she thinks there are McNuggets in it for her. I suspect you are trying to make this about anything other than what it really is—because if it’s a question of principle about “authenticity” or “hypocrisy” or “bribery,” then you don’t have to deal with the uncomfortable reality of Kim’s feelings. Don’t do that!

“Kim is your classmate, and she’s a good kid. You don’t have to be best friends or spend every weekend together, but it means a lot to her to spend time together a few times a year, even if that’s not what you feel like doing. It’s important to consider other people’s feelings before our own sometimes, and if you go over next Saturday with a good attitude, we can go to McDonald’s afterward” is a perfectly reasonable parental approach to this kind of social interaction. That doesn’t mean that Poppy has to follow the exact same schedule with Kim until they graduate high school. But if Kim isn’t being unkind or rude, if she’s simply different from the other kids and your daughter feels a little awkward, keeping two or three play dates a year with an age-appropriate reward afterward is fine. (And I’m not quite sure I do know that relationships between little girls are based in communication rather than action, but I take your inference to mean that it is somehow more difficult for your daughter to play with Kim because of her Down syndrome than if they were both boys. I find this a little baffling and suggest you leave it to the side.)

I do agree that teaching your kids about the importance of inclusion shouldn’t only be associated with mandatory play dates and think there might be room there for you and Kim’s mother to help both kids by brainstorming some new activity ideas. If just putting them in a room together with their regular toys isn’t much fun for Poppy, you might ask her if there’s anything she thinks she might enjoy doing with Kim. The pandemic will limit some of those options right now, but in the future you might be able to take them both to a kids’ museum or even to McDonald’s together, so the play date and the reward are one and the same. If Poppy continues to insist, and you worry she’s going to start taking out her frustration on Kim, I think you should stop the play dates, because Kim shouldn’t suffer just so Poppy can learn about inclusivity. In that instance, maybe your next move is to offer to take Kim’s mom out for coffee sometime, go on a walk together, or offer to babysit—some sort of gesture of goodwill so she knows you’re not just going to drop off the face of the earth because your kids aren’t currently playing together.

Comments

[shirou]

If just putting them in a room together with their regular toys isn’t much fun for Poppy, you might ask her if there’s anything she thinks she might enjoy doing with Kim. The pandemic will limit some of those options right now, but in the future you might be able to take them both to a kids’ museum or even to McDonald’s together, so the play date and the reward are one and the same.

This is a fantastic suggestion. LW should continue to talk to Poppy about the importance of behaving kindly toward disabled people, but LW should still try to make the play dates enjoyable for both girls. (I also don't entirely buy Danny's insistence that the standards to which parents hold themselves have no bearing on their expectations for their children.)

Even during the pandemic, there are lots of options for kids' activities, outdoors and indoors. The saving grace of this virus is that children experience lower transmission rates and less severe symptoms, so with new safety policies and enhanced cleaning regimens, play gyms and the like have been able to reopen. Mask up and take the kids out to do something fun together!

[topaz_eyes]

The saving grace of this virus is that children experience lower transmission rates and less severe symptoms

One caveat: people with Down syndrome are considered high risk for severe covid, so LW must check with Kim's mother first to confirm which activities are safe for Kim. So play gyms may be out, but absolutely there are other safe options for kids' activities.

[shirou]

Oh, good point. Technically Down syndrome is associated with increased risk of severe covid symptoms in adults; there aren’t enough data to make the same statement about children. Regardless, Kim’s family may want to take extra precautions.

[ekaterinn]

I totally agree with this advice! As a former special educator, both my experience and the research says that you just can't put kids with and without disabilities in the same room together and expect friendships to bloom. Even without going out to places, you can supervise the girls making cupcakes together, doing a craft, building a science kit, etc. You could have McDonald's or other food delivered as well. You can ask Kim's mom if she's particularly interested in something that she could share with Poppy. (Spending more time around Kim herself may help LW with shedding some of her ableism too.)

[colorwheel]

making cupcakes together, doing a craft, building a science kit, etc. You could have McDonald's or other food delivered as well. You can ask Kim's mom if she's particularly interested in something that she could share with Poppy.

one thing i'm very much appreciating about our discussion here is the notion of various activity options -- because kim is a specific person! kim is not, like, a blank archetype with down syndrome. i wanted the LW to remember that kim herself might have some specific ideas of what to do, or if not, she surely has likes and dislikes.

[jadelennox]

I really like this answer. It lines up the dominoes of all of the bullshit the LW has been telling themselves so they'll feel better about their discomfort, and knocks them down, one by one.

I also love the advice to be friends with Kim's mother, and not just for Prudie's reasons. Statements such as "it would probably not be my preference to pursue such a friendship" make LW's own discomfort with having a non-charitable relationship with intellectually disabled people very clear, and Poppy is absolutely old enough to have picked up on that. If the LW doesn't want Poppy to grow up with the same biases of her parents, then LW needs to starting getting comfortable around Kim, and Kim's mom. And a friendship with Kim's mom can help LW recognize that having an intellectually disabled kid isn't the end of the world. (Possibly. Sometimes Disability Mums are not the world's best ambassadors.)

The thing I'd want to keep an eye out for if I were LW is making sure that, once in person school starts up again, Poppy doesn't do that thing where she's uncomfortable that she's socializing with the unpopular girl, so she becomes a bully in school when in front of the kids she's trying to impress. That doesn't happen as much in real life as it does in fiction, but it absolutely happens. Elementary school is a tough age developmentally, as kids try to figure out how to fit themselves into a social structure. I think if I were LW in this situation, I'd ask a trusted teacher to keep an eye out and let me know if Poppy starts being a bully to Kim in school.

[jadelennox]

On a meaner note, I want to point out to LW that one day they'll probably have some dementia or senility issues of their own, and it would behoove them not to have raised a kid who is uncomfortable around intellectual disability. Otherwise they'll find themselves warehoused in a nursing home and visited once a year.

[minoanmiss]

Three snaps up!