Prudie: Forced play-dates with disabled classmate

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Dear Prudence,

My daughter, “Poppy,” is in second grade. There’s another girl in her class, “Kim,” who has Down syndrome. Her mother is very nice and approached us within the first few weeks of starting elementary school about arranging a play date. We’ve reciprocated once or twice a term ever since. Poppy has become increasingly reluctant to participate because she can’t connect with Kim the same way she does with her other friends. She finds conversation difficult and awkward, and there is starting to open up a gulf in maturity between the girls.

I have repeatedly explained to Poppy how important these play dates are to Kim, the value of inclusivity, how Kim finds it harder to make friends than other girls do, and why it is a kind thing to do. I believe that Poppy understands all this, but she still doesn’t enjoy them. I’ve resorted to bribing Poppy by telling her I will take her to McDonald’s afterward if she plays nicely with Kim for a couple of hours. I’m not very comfortable with this practice, and it feels like this is more a charitable act than real friendship.

Poppy doesn’t want to go on another play date with Kim. I don’t know what to say to Kim’s mother. I don’t have any friends with intellectual disabilities, and to be honest, it would probably not be my preference to pursue such a friendship for exactly the same reasons as Poppy has vocalized. I feel like I am expecting Poppy to do something I do not do. I do not think the same problem would arise with a child with a physical disability because Poppy would still be able to connect socially with that child. As you know, little girl relationships are based on communication, rather than action, so I think it is harder with girls than it would have been with boys. I am reluctant to force a play date on Poppy because it will likely result in her being surly with Kim when she arrives. At the same time, I do not want to refuse play dates with Kim. I do not get the impression that Kim gets many play date offers from other families.

—Reluctant Play Dates


Let’s scale back a little bit here. I can’t quite buy the idea that it’s somehow hypocritical to encourage your daughter to play nicely with Kim once or twice a semester just because you don’t have any adult friends with Down syndrome in your own life. That seems rather like a dodge, and an obvious one too. Poppy does have Kim in her life, and the question of how to treat Kim is a relevant and immediate one that doesn’t require a direct analogy in yours. Nor do I think that occasionally offering your kid McDonald’s as an incentive to play nicely with a classmate they’re not wild about is necessarily the first step toward raising a total mercenary who only seeks to do the right thing if she thinks there are McNuggets in it for her. I suspect you are trying to make this about anything other than what it really is—because if it’s a question of principle about “authenticity” or “hypocrisy” or “bribery,” then you don’t have to deal with the uncomfortable reality of Kim’s feelings. Don’t do that!

“Kim is your classmate, and she’s a good kid. You don’t have to be best friends or spend every weekend together, but it means a lot to her to spend time together a few times a year, even if that’s not what you feel like doing. It’s important to consider other people’s feelings before our own sometimes, and if you go over next Saturday with a good attitude, we can go to McDonald’s afterward” is a perfectly reasonable parental approach to this kind of social interaction. That doesn’t mean that Poppy has to follow the exact same schedule with Kim until they graduate high school. But if Kim isn’t being unkind or rude, if she’s simply different from the other kids and your daughter feels a little awkward, keeping two or three play dates a year with an age-appropriate reward afterward is fine. (And I’m not quite sure I do know that relationships between little girls are based in communication rather than action, but I take your inference to mean that it is somehow more difficult for your daughter to play with Kim because of her Down syndrome than if they were both boys. I find this a little baffling and suggest you leave it to the side.)

I do agree that teaching your kids about the importance of inclusion shouldn’t only be associated with mandatory play dates and think there might be room there for you and Kim’s mother to help both kids by brainstorming some new activity ideas. If just putting them in a room together with their regular toys isn’t much fun for Poppy, you might ask her if there’s anything she thinks she might enjoy doing with Kim. The pandemic will limit some of those options right now, but in the future you might be able to take them both to a kids’ museum or even to McDonald’s together, so the play date and the reward are one and the same. If Poppy continues to insist, and you worry she’s going to start taking out her frustration on Kim, I think you should stop the play dates, because Kim shouldn’t suffer just so Poppy can learn about inclusivity. In that instance, maybe your next move is to offer to take Kim’s mom out for coffee sometime, go on a walk together, or offer to babysit—some sort of gesture of goodwill so she knows you’re not just going to drop off the face of the earth because your kids aren’t currently playing together.