agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: I have a dozen grandchildren. Since the first was born 14 years ago, all my grandkids have used a particular grandmother title, “Gee,” for me. I chose it because it's easy, and because it doesn't confuse me with other grandparents and great-grandparents, many of whom are still alive.

One of my daughters lives overseas. She has two children (ages 2 and 4) Their European grandmother is local and sees the children all the time.

Lately, via Zoom, my daughter has been referring to me as a mash-up of both grandmother names. To her children, she refers to me as “Nanny-Gee.” But that's not my name.

If this was an issue with any of my other children, I'd address it calmly and directly. This particular daughter, though, is provocative, argues unnecessarily, and institutes estrangement fairly frequently. I'm unwilling to rock her boat without good reason.

I'm working very hard to maintain a long-distance relationship with these kids. I'd like to be called by MY name. Can you help me figure this out?

— What's In A Name?

Dear What’s: Your name is not “Gee.” That’s the assigned endearment your American grandchildren use. Your European grandchildren are being prompted to refer to you by that name, with the prefix of “Nanny.” Nanny, like “Nana,” translates to “grandmother,” especially in Britain.

Your daughter is asking them to call you “Grandmother Gee,” It’s an honorific. Given that you mainly know these very young children so far via video, I can see why your daughter prompts them in this way. She is making sure they realize that you are their grandmother, just like the grandmother they see regularly in real life.

It is clear that you have a problematic history with this particular daughter, but my advice is that you should not create or inflate a problem where there shouldn’t be one. Must all of your grandchildren address you identically, and only by the name you choose? I hope not.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2470062?fs

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Shockingly, Amy said almost exactly what I was thinking.

Either she's right or I'm wrong. I have no idea which it is.

I almost never agree with Amy, but she's right on this one!

(Also, I am getting narcissist vibes from the LW.)

I always do when people describe their child as estranging them for no good reason - sure, that probably does happen, but that doesn't mean it did happen.

I have absolutely zero doubt that my mother describes me as "provocative, argues unnecessarily, and institutes estrangement fairly frequently" . . . which translates to "lives my own life without requesting her input, doesn't change in response to unsolicited criticism, doesn't immediately roll over when she attempts to exert control/abuse/manipulation, doesn't call/visit often, and ends calls/visits when she starts behaving like an asshole."

Having boundaries is a personal affront to her, you see.

And you can BET that she had a strong opinion about what her grandchildren call her -- it had to be "Mama" (my SIL and I were "Mommy" when the kids were young), because anything with "Grand-" in it "made her feel old."

LOL

Having boundaries is a personal affront to her, you see.

It always is.

it had to be "Mama" (my SIL and I were "Mommy" when the kids were young), because anything with "Grand-" in it "made her feel old."

I can think of a dozen other names you could've gone with that didn't sound like she was their mother, just off the top of my head.

Then again, I call my cat "Mama", so, y'know, that's the other option.

Yes, I... definitely noticed that. *eyes roll right out of head*

I realize that I’m definitely projecting a bit in my response to this letter, based on my own experience, but... this pinged my narc-radar REALLY HARD, based on the word choices, sense of entitlement/aggrievedness, and presence of “mystery estrangement from adult child.”

"institutes estrangement fairly frequently" just SCREAMED off the screen to me. Estrangement is long-term; LW *definitely* means that sometimes her daughter doesn't talk to her for a few weeks after the LW has been a jagoff.

Stopped clock?

Also, goddamn, what a hill to die on, LW.

This was the exact answer I was thinking, too. The controlling narcissism just leaps off the page in this letter—even Amy could see it.

My sister's MIL threw an absolute fit because she wanted to be Nana to my sisters kids. The only problem is, that ever since my sister started talking I've been Nana as she couldn't say my full name and my sister said that after 25 years she wasn't changing. So my sister's MIL is now Nanny Bridget, (and the grandmother the kids hate seeing because she makes it clear Boys will always be more important than Girls) and I am Auntie Nana to her kids.

(One of the reasons she doesn't want to change is she takes great delight in finding the most twee, and hideously grandmotherly Nana Birthday Cards produced. No seriously she has a talent. They're scaring.)

That's an amazing talent. 🤣

That whacko is lucky they don't call her Nanny Goat.

Good lord.

This. Kids can be extremely innovative with names, especially with people who make themselves unpleasant.

This. Kids can be extremely innovative with names, especially with people who make themselves unpleasant.

I know someone whose kids called their grandmother "the rottweiler" because she was unpleasant and tenacious...

...and once did so either accidentally or accidentally-on-purpose within the grandmothers earshot...

Edited 2021-01-25 09:28 (UTC)

This is not the first time I've seen a LW claim they need a "special" grandparent name to prevent "confusion," and it boggles me every time. I grew up with lots of living grandparents and great-grandparents; on the rare occasions I needed to verbally distinguish between them, I used their actual names, which by four years old I certainly knew. It . . . it wasn't confusing at all.

If your grandkids are so vague on your identity that they risk confusing you with other grandparents, perhaps you should spent more time with them. If your kids won't let you spend that time with them, perhaps there's a reason why.

To be fair to LW, even if everybody is wonderful it is hard to spend more time with somebody who lives in another country.

Gee, I wonder why they live in another country.

Oh, nonsense. I'm sure distance from Mom is just a fun bonus!

My Grandma was Nanny to some of my cousins. My Zaide and Bubbe were Grampy and Grandma to some of my cousins. My Auntie Abby was Aunt Charlotte to some cousins and Tante Chanke to others. WTF does it matter?

(My sister has a right to be mad at me, because she's trying to be "Nanny [Silly diminutive of her name]" to the grandchild, and I keep trying to make my sister by "Bubbe", because I am a massive troll. But I wouldn't be doing it if I thought it had a chance of working. The number one authority over what a kid calls a grandparent is the kid, influenced by the parents, who ideally will be influenced by the desires of the grandparent. My mother was pretty adamant that she was not, under any circumstances, going to be a Bubbe. But then, if her grandkids had grown up in a Jewish / Yinglish-speaking household and had just decided that Bubbe was her name, she'd have grumpily lived with it.)

LOL. I called my mother's mother (who I rarely saw--military brat) "Mimi." It wasn't until I was over 60, and both my mother and my mother's mother were long gone, that I found out her real first name was Frances--and my mother was named after her.

My mom never wanted to be Grandma, but when my kid started calling her Grandma, you bet she switched how she felt about it real fast. I wanted to be Zo, but Kit couldn't say the Z, so they call me "my Rose" and I'm more than happy to be their Rose. What matters is whether it's said with love.