(no subject)

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: I raised my kids right as a single mom. I took pride in supporting them and giving them what they needed and wanted.

I have a daughter who lives out of town with her husband and children. I don't get to see them often, so I love buying them gifts that are waiting for them when they get here. For the kids' birthdays and holidays, I always have nice gifts for them, too.

For the past few years, my daughter has refused to take any of the gifts home with her, so the toys sit in my spare rooms. She smirks and laughs when someone says something about leaving behind the gifts I buy. She and her husband stay at my house when they visit, so the kids play with their toys then.

I'm hurt by her lack of appreciation and have decided to stop buying anything for the kids on holidays or birthdays. I don't enjoy giving monetary gifts. I want to see the kids' faces when they open a present and play with it. Would it be wrong for me to just stop buying gifts? -- GENEROUS GRANNY IN OHIO

DEAR GENEROUS GRANNY: This is something you should discuss with your daughter. Could it be that your grandchildren have so many toys at home that there isn't room for more?

I'm not sure why your daughter would smirk and laugh when someone mentions the gifts left behind when your family leaves. That kind of behavior is rude. But I don't think children should be punished for something their parent does. To deny them gifts on birthdays and Christmas because of it would be petulant and a mistake.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2456060

Comments

[conuly]

There are a few words and phrases that make my spidey sense tingle. "Resent" is one, "walking on eggshells" another - and we can add "smirk" to that list. With a small change to one syllable, LW changes from describing a behavior ("smiling and laughing") to inferring her daughter's mental state ("she enjoys hurting my feelings in this way, and she doesn't appreciate me").

She could be accurately describing her daughter's feelings, but I think it's more likely, like Abby suggested, that the woman just doesn't have enough room for all the crap Granny buys.

There is another option besides "toys", "money", and "nothing at all" - LW could give the grandkids the gift of time - when they visit, LW could give them a trip to the zoo, a special baking session with just her and the kids, time spent playing a family game together, knitting lessons. Alternatively, LW could pay for the kids to do things at home with Mom and Dad, or take extracurricular lessons, or go to camp, or stay with her during the summer.

But that would mean giving gifts to the kids for no other reason than to make them happy, and it doesn't escape my notice that LW says she buys the gifts so she can be happy watching them open the present and play with it.

[cereta]

Yes to all of this, but particularly the "gift of time." My kid has elderly grandparents who all live some distance away. The very, very best gift they can give her when she visits is spending time with her.

[oursin]

What is wrong with having toys at her place for the children to play with? saves the family toting playthings back and forth.

(I'm perhaps a little prejudiced here as there were specific things that, as a child, I played with at my Nana's house.)

[conuly]

Unclear, but my guess is that her objection is the same as her daughter's - she doesn't really have the room. This objection is, of course, valid when it comes from LW but not when it comes from her ungrateful child.

[mommy]

I mentally substituted "smiles and awkwardly laughs" for "smirks and laughs" the first time I read the letter and had to reread it after the advice mentioned smirking. The I'm hurt by her lack of appreciation bit has the potential to be a red flag, too. This letter is sitting right on the "something is wrong here" line for me.

If grandma had bought something the kids actually wanted, the kids would have pushed to take it home with them which would have been a wonderful detail to show how hard it is to buy presents when mean old mom is in the way. Instead, we see nothing about how the kids reacted to the presents. Did grandma even get things the kids would enjoy, or did she just go by the price tag?

[purlewe]

yeah. I also have a feeling that the parents have perhaps tried to ask for specific gifts (perhaps some mentioned above. I know my sister asks for $$ for summer camps in specialty areas the kids have interests in acting, horseriding, etc that are expensive) And have been turned down bc again seeing their faces and giving it to them in person. You can't see the kid getting the summer camp. bc most likely you aren't there when they are getting it. There is a LOT of ME ME ME in this letter that pings my radar.

[rosefox]

My guess is that the toys are awful or useless and not things her daughter or grandkids want.

in the style of That Bad Advice

[minoanmiss]

LW: not only stop buying gifts to punish your Ungrateful Daughter, stop inviting the family over or interacting with them in any way. They will Miss You and Get The Message and come over to beg your forgiveness with a U-Haul trailer to bring home every single precious gift.