Dear Abby: Class Reunion Not Happy

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: Today was my high school reunion. I was the most notable student for all the wrong reasons. I was born with some birth defects and learning disabilities. I overcame them, but it was hard. While working blue-collar jobs, I lived in my car for a few years.

On a cold winter night several years ago, I met Dr. X in the emergency room. He was a former classmate of mine, and we pretended not to know one another. He discovered I was living in my car and heard some of my story. Then he arranged for me to be admitted to the hospital for a day so I could get warmed up and recover. When I left the hospital, I found a $100 bill in the gas tank door of my van. I'm sure it was from him.

I now have a home of my own and I'm doing OK, considering everything. When I sent my reservation and check to the reunion committee, it was returned uncashed with a $50 bill along with a note saying "Please don't come." The reunion was being held on the estate of Dr. X.

I guess my classmates are more closed-minded than I thought they would be. I was hoping age would mellow them. In addition to the reservation return, I have seen a few forwarded emails mocking my attempts to find out about the event. I hope none of those people were blessed with a child with learning or physical issues.

I guess people never change on some things. Thankfully, I have found nicer, caring people along my journey in life, and for that I'd like to thank all of the kind people in the world. -- UNEXPECTED SUCCESS

DEAR UNEXPECTED SUCCESS: Your letter shocked me. I am glad to know how you are doing. Although people age, it's apparent that not all of them mature.

In case you haven't yet realized it, you weren't the only student in your class with problems. People who would behave as you have described were obviously born without a heart. It is inexcusable for you to have been treated the way you were. In recognition of the challenges you have overcome, you should have been the guest of honor at the reunion.

Comments

[cereta]

It sounds to me like "Dr. X" has a view of himself as a kind benefactor, and didn't want to let go of that role where the LW is concerned. (Dude, the guy wrote a check, which would indicate that he has at least the registration money, and you send him a fifty? Hey, I can write a check, too: can I have a new laptop?) Of course, that doesn't extend to, you know, letting the guy come to your house. What, are you afraid that if he shows up looking just fine, he'll spoil your best, "aren't I a swell guy?" story?

BTW, this is why I'm not nuts about Abby's, "you should be the guest of honor" line. Yes, they man has overcome difficulties and is deserving of admiration for that, there's something condescending in that line that bugs me. Perhaps I'm overreacting, for a variety of reasons I won't go into, but it does bother me.

[rymenhild]

Also, using the language of disability to refer to the awful classmates ("born without a heart") is... I want to say that it's actually offensive to disability.

[vass]

It definitely is. The sentence before that is "you weren't the only student in your class with problems" - she is equating the LW's physical and cognitive disabilities with their deliberate cruelty, as "problems" that people have.

And the "you should be the guest of honor" thing is the language of inspiration porn. Gross.

[xenacryst]

Well, overpraising someone from a marginalized group can be just as othering as treating them like dirt, so, with you there.

Sounds like Dr. X and his cohorts can go stuff it, and it also sounds like LW has gotten a much better found family over the years.

[vass]

I'm viewing Dr X less flatteringly than you are. (Not that I think you were viewing him in a particularly flattering light.)

I think don't think he wants to brag about what a swell guy he is, I think he has a fixed assumption about "people like that," poor and homeless people who have no access to medical care other than the emergency department. Thinks they're all making up their medical problems to get drugs or a meal or a warm room, and are not really human in the same way he is. He was shocked to see someone he knew in that situation, and gave him money out of pity, but never ever wanted to see him again and is afraid LW will show up dirty and drunk/high and begging the other reunion attendees for money. Assumed the cheque would have bounced anyway.

[hunningham]

I just want a special team of Social Justice ninjas who will rush screaming into the class reunion and harange Dr. X until he understands exactly why he is WRONG forever and is very very ashamed. Failing that they can just whack him over the head with a giant codfish.

Where are my codfish-wielding Social Justice ninjas?