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Covid letters
1. DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it right that my niece insists on “no masks” at her wedding? She even has a friend watching for masks as people enter the church!!!
GENTLE READER: Only if she has friends who are so eager to see her married that they are willing to risk their health.
Miss Manners hopes that prospective guests will be notified in advance so that they need not dress up, complete with what is now considered a conventional accessory, only to be turned away at the door.
https://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2020/12/7/bride-is-vigilant-about-risking-guests
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2. DEAR HARRIETTE: I have several family members who are mad at me. A week before Thanksgiving, they asked if they could come to dinner at my house. At that point, the authorities were already saying that it was unsafe to do. So, I put the kibosh on it right then and there. One of my nieces told me that I was being selfish and that she was never going to visit me again. I held my ground. I am in my 60s with several health challenges, and I thought I should follow the guidelines. Then I saw that lots of people didn’t. Travel skyrocketed during Thanksgiving. I pray that we don’t have too many people getting sick behind it. Meanwhile, my niece is not talking to me. How can I get her back and still protect myself? -- Rift
DEAR RIFT: You did the right thing. By all medical and scientific accounts that I have seen, being overly cautious is the only safe way to go right now. The guidance given for Thanksgiving will likely extend through New Year’s. This is with the intention of slowing the spread of this invisible, insidious disease. Whether you had health challenges or not, you should have followed the strict guidelines NOT to sit down to eat with people other than those living in your home.
That said, to regain your niece’s closeness, reach out to remind her of how much you love her. Tell her that you hope she is practicing safe engagement with others. Let her know you hope to see her as soon as COVID-19 is less of a threat. It may take time, but you need to play the long game now.
https://www.uexpress.com/sense-and-sensitivity/2020/12/7/public-comment-causes-hurt-feelings
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3. Dear Amy: My brother is turning 30 in two months.
His husband is planning an out-of-state surprise birthday weekend, seven hours away, where he and my brother and their friends will be staying in a large 14-person cabin.
My family (me, my pregnant wife and our daughter) have been given the option of a smaller separate cabin. So have our parents. Everyone has eagerly accepted, except for my family and my parents.
Our governor is imposing more pandemic restrictions. Anyone traveling out of state has to quarantine for two weeks when returning.
My wife and I cannot quarantine for two weeks and miss work.
We also all live within 10 minutes of each other, so the need for a 30th birthday weekend getaway seems unnecessary to us.
My wife and I have conveyed our hesitance, but my brother-in-law keeps telling us how much my brother deserves this extravaganza.
Amy, my brother-in-law has been known to stir the pot and create drama. He has already intimated how disappointed my brother will be.
My brother and I have a shaky relationship, as it is. He could write me and my family off completely over one false move. Writing off siblings runs in my family; both of my parents do not speak to any of their siblings, and my grandparents on both sides didn’t have relationships with their siblings.
I wanted this cycle of sibling discord to be broken in my generation, and not model this same behavior for my children.
Should I risk ruining the surprise by letting my brother know in advance that we can’t come?
— Worried Bro
Dear Bro: NO one should be planning ANY kind of group gathering right now. Your brother-in-law knows this, and he will likely either have to cancel or change his plans – or he will go ahead with them, but without you and your family.
Do not equivocate. Do not draw this out. Tell him that you won’t be able to make it to this celebration. State mandates, a baby on the way, quarantine, your family’s health and safety — how many reasons do you need? (These are all reasons, by the way, not excuses.)
The way to deliver a polite RSVP is to respond promptly and to convey your genuine regret at missing the event.
Try this: “My wife and I have gone back and forth many times, because we would really love to be able to come, but we just can’t make it happen. We’d like to send a bottle of champagne to the group, so we’ll see if we can get something delivered to the venue.”
I don’t think you should bother remarking on your brother-in-law’s terrible (and potentially dangerous) judgment. He is an adult and he should know better.
If you don’t want to perpetuate sibling estrangement to the next generation, you should coach your own children to always express themselves, listen to one another, apologize when they are wrong, and to forgive one another.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2447901?fs
GENTLE READER: Only if she has friends who are so eager to see her married that they are willing to risk their health.
Miss Manners hopes that prospective guests will be notified in advance so that they need not dress up, complete with what is now considered a conventional accessory, only to be turned away at the door.
https://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2020/12/7/bride-is-vigilant-about-risking-guests
2. DEAR HARRIETTE: I have several family members who are mad at me. A week before Thanksgiving, they asked if they could come to dinner at my house. At that point, the authorities were already saying that it was unsafe to do. So, I put the kibosh on it right then and there. One of my nieces told me that I was being selfish and that she was never going to visit me again. I held my ground. I am in my 60s with several health challenges, and I thought I should follow the guidelines. Then I saw that lots of people didn’t. Travel skyrocketed during Thanksgiving. I pray that we don’t have too many people getting sick behind it. Meanwhile, my niece is not talking to me. How can I get her back and still protect myself? -- Rift
DEAR RIFT: You did the right thing. By all medical and scientific accounts that I have seen, being overly cautious is the only safe way to go right now. The guidance given for Thanksgiving will likely extend through New Year’s. This is with the intention of slowing the spread of this invisible, insidious disease. Whether you had health challenges or not, you should have followed the strict guidelines NOT to sit down to eat with people other than those living in your home.
That said, to regain your niece’s closeness, reach out to remind her of how much you love her. Tell her that you hope she is practicing safe engagement with others. Let her know you hope to see her as soon as COVID-19 is less of a threat. It may take time, but you need to play the long game now.
https://www.uexpress.com/sense-and-sensitivity/2020/12/7/public-comment-causes-hurt-feelings
3. Dear Amy: My brother is turning 30 in two months.
His husband is planning an out-of-state surprise birthday weekend, seven hours away, where he and my brother and their friends will be staying in a large 14-person cabin.
My family (me, my pregnant wife and our daughter) have been given the option of a smaller separate cabin. So have our parents. Everyone has eagerly accepted, except for my family and my parents.
Our governor is imposing more pandemic restrictions. Anyone traveling out of state has to quarantine for two weeks when returning.
My wife and I cannot quarantine for two weeks and miss work.
We also all live within 10 minutes of each other, so the need for a 30th birthday weekend getaway seems unnecessary to us.
My wife and I have conveyed our hesitance, but my brother-in-law keeps telling us how much my brother deserves this extravaganza.
Amy, my brother-in-law has been known to stir the pot and create drama. He has already intimated how disappointed my brother will be.
My brother and I have a shaky relationship, as it is. He could write me and my family off completely over one false move. Writing off siblings runs in my family; both of my parents do not speak to any of their siblings, and my grandparents on both sides didn’t have relationships with their siblings.
I wanted this cycle of sibling discord to be broken in my generation, and not model this same behavior for my children.
Should I risk ruining the surprise by letting my brother know in advance that we can’t come?
— Worried Bro
Dear Bro: NO one should be planning ANY kind of group gathering right now. Your brother-in-law knows this, and he will likely either have to cancel or change his plans – or he will go ahead with them, but without you and your family.
Do not equivocate. Do not draw this out. Tell him that you won’t be able to make it to this celebration. State mandates, a baby on the way, quarantine, your family’s health and safety — how many reasons do you need? (These are all reasons, by the way, not excuses.)
The way to deliver a polite RSVP is to respond promptly and to convey your genuine regret at missing the event.
Try this: “My wife and I have gone back and forth many times, because we would really love to be able to come, but we just can’t make it happen. We’d like to send a bottle of champagne to the group, so we’ll see if we can get something delivered to the venue.”
I don’t think you should bother remarking on your brother-in-law’s terrible (and potentially dangerous) judgment. He is an adult and he should know better.
If you don’t want to perpetuate sibling estrangement to the next generation, you should coach your own children to always express themselves, listen to one another, apologize when they are wrong, and to forgive one another.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2447901?fs
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As for the third... I don't know why LW has this family history of multigenerational sibling estrangement, and I get that it sucks, but it's not because he and his parents and his grandparents were exposed to this bad example of estrangement. His kids aren't going to grow up and cut each other off because their uncles stopped talking to their dad.
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I think that is a bit presumptuous to begin with, even without a pandemic raging, unless this is some sort of established family tradition, at which they turn up with their own contributions to the feast. Inviting themselves, at a week's notice? I think she's well quit of them
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That alone isn't enough to give up on relatives, is what I'm saying.
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Still 100% correct to say no, we are not having a gathering at all this year, of course.
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Bad advice. The implication that “yes” is a possibility is an invitation to be harassed into agreeing.
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Amy blows it by adding too much weasel wording a good 50% of the time, this being one of them.
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