Hmm. I read this very differently than the advice-givers do, and I think they are being really unsympathetic to LW.
Possibly I'm projecting, but I do have a lot of experience of relationships with family members where a) their general availability is much lower than mine Because Work, b) I would like to spend time with them in general, and c) on random occasions if they ARE available, they expect me to drop everything and perform Happy To See Them on command, without warning or pre-scheduling or, hah, consent. (Also they're likely to demand that I do the work of finding something Fun To Do, because I have so much free time (read: am chronically ill and therefore my time doesn't count, because it isn't paid work) and they, as Working People, cannot be bothered.)
This is not a fun situation to be in, and it makes a relationship feel very lopsided and power-imbalanced. To get back to the letter - is LW's husband putting any work into making the hangouts low-pressure and fun for LW, or scheduling something in advance to look forward to, or is it always "SUDDEN AMBUSH - BE SOCIAL ON MY TERMS!"? Have they talked about their different needs re: time alone and predictability? It is not wrong to want advance warning and some measure of control of one's social time! It is not solely up to LW to adapt to their partner's schedule - is the husband doing any adapting?
I feel like it's really about power dynamics, here. Who gets to decide and who has to suck it up and deal. And that's... not a great state for a marriage, but it's not necessarily unfixable, either, if LW and their husband can open up some good-faith negotiations.
no subject
Possibly I'm projecting, but I do have a lot of experience of relationships with family members where a) their general availability is much lower than mine Because Work, b) I would like to spend time with them in general, and c) on random occasions if they ARE available, they expect me to drop everything and perform Happy To See Them on command, without warning or pre-scheduling or, hah, consent. (Also they're likely to demand that I do the work of finding something Fun To Do, because I have so much free time (read: am chronically ill and therefore my time doesn't count, because it isn't paid work) and they, as Working People, cannot be bothered.)
This is not a fun situation to be in, and it makes a relationship feel very lopsided and power-imbalanced. To get back to the letter - is LW's husband putting any work into making the hangouts low-pressure and fun for LW, or scheduling something in advance to look forward to, or is it always "SUDDEN AMBUSH - BE SOCIAL ON MY TERMS!"? Have they talked about their different needs re: time alone and predictability? It is not wrong to want advance warning and some measure of control of one's social time! It is not solely up to LW to adapt to their partner's schedule - is the husband doing any adapting?
I feel like it's really about power dynamics, here. Who gets to decide and who has to suck it up and deal. And that's... not a great state for a marriage, but it's not necessarily unfixable, either, if LW and their husband can open up some good-faith negotiations.