Dear Care & Feeding: My Mother-in-law is trying to steal my children

[laurajv]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have three wonderful kids and a mother-in-law who feels like my children are another chance for parenting, since she missed out on so much with her son. I have been trying to assert boundaries with her, but it can be hard. To my family, holidays mean spending them together. But every year she wants it to be just her and the grandkids at her house. Nobody else. And the whole separation of it all just bothers me.

I said yes last year and this year to Christmas. But how do I let her know in a respectful way that this will not be happening again? I have no problem with us coming up as family to do a holiday at her house, on occasion. This is a woman who asked for my kids to live with her and asked for a two-month stay at her place. She just bought a house and told them they will have their own room there, and she’s building them a pool. It all makes me uncomfortable. Her expectation is they will be there A LOT! She lives several states away. -- Help with Boundaries

Dear Help,

Don’t send the kids to visit their grandmother several states away, this year of all years. Even if you agreed to it already, our nationwide COVID surge is all the more reason to cancel. But I don’t think you can just use the pandemic as an excuse. While kids can of course visit their grandparents without their parents present, what your mother-in-law is asking for is not normal—and frankly, it is both callous and absurd of her to expect you to miss multiple holidays with your own children.

Given her clear lack of boundaries, she will continue to make these asks until she is explicitly told they aren’t on the table. I would first address the timely holiday visit, and make it clear that your family is just that—a family—and therefore a package deal: “The kids and I/we can come to your house [when it’s safe to travel again, not this year!], or you can come to our place, but we are our own family and we’re not going to spend Christmas apart.” (You didn’t mention a partner, but if your MIL’s son is living and still in the picture, know that all of this visit-planning and boundary-setting shouldn’t fall to you alone!) You can continue to address every single one of her other unreasonable requests—for super-long visits without you, for them to live with her (JFC!), etc.—in the same firm tone, if necessary reminding her that you’re their parent and she cannot dictate the terms of every visit. It is not disrespectful to try to establish some much-needed limits; if she is disappointed, that’s just how it goes, but she has no right to be. Her annual demand for holidays with your kids/without you is disrespectful, and you should not for an instant feel tempted to give in again.

I really think it’s crucial to try to establish some boundaries here, for your children’s sake as well as your own. I don’t know how old they are, but if your MIL is this needy and possessive toward them, they will pick up on it soon (if they haven’t already!) and feel just as uncomfortable as you do, if not more so. Your kids shouldn’t have to feel caught in the middle, nor do they deserve to bear the emotional weight of Grandma’s desire to have a parenting do-over.

Comments

[laurajv]

to be clear, my cut text is aimed at the MIL, not at Nicole, although I think Nicole's advice could have been more strongly worded.

[cereta]

The bit about the children's father needed to be the first thing said, and needed to be much, much stronger, as in, "If the children's father is in the picture, he should be taking point on this matter." Period. There have been times when I've been willing to play the bad guy where in-laws are concerned, but matters considering children are not one of them. This should not be LW's job, and they should not be the one making all of these decisions alone, nor being portrayed to MiL as the gatekeeper of grandchild time.

If the father isn't in the picture, a lot would depend on why. If he's dead, then drawing a clear boundary, and possibly contacting a lawyer as a "just in case" (I would not put it past a grandparent who asked for the kids to live with her to try some legal shenanigans) are the best way to go. If he's absentee, then making sure the custody arrangement is ironclad would be a very good idea.

[laurajv]

I think there are some hints here that are -- hm. Indicative of the son possibly having some trouble setting boundaries with his mother. I am speaking here as a child raised by an abusive parent, married to a child raised by TWO abusive parents: there are times when we have to take point for each other because our abusive parents are too good at shutting us down. Over time I've gotten better at dealing with my father, but I am still far from perfect; my spouse is better at dealing with his mother, but had a significantly more traumatic starting place than I did and there's more complexity there.

So while I agree that Nicole should have addressed the situation with the kids' father first, I think that this actually might be a situation where the LW _absolutely needs to take point_ and be the bad guy. Something about what isn't said makes me think that we are dealing with a situation where an emotionally abusive parent has made the kids' father unable to effectively cope here.

[azurelunatic]

In that case it's even more important for the LW to shut this down: exposing the kids to an emotionally abusive grandparent without a parent present is not a good or okay plan.

[laurajv]

Agree. Just -- the. more I think about it, the more I think Nicole needed like 45 more alarm klaxons in her answer. This is the kind of request my NPD parent likes to make.

[mommy]

The "since she missed out on so much with her son" line stood out to me, too. There's a story hiding in those words that makes me concerned for the LW and their family.

[laurajv]

yeeeeeeep

[shirou]

That line stood out to me as well. There is something huge being omitted.

[cereta]

I could see that being the case, and yeah, then the LW will need to take point. I've just seen so many letters from women about their in-laws, especially MiLs, that just kind of take for granted that it's the LW's responsibility to handle the situation that I have a kind of knee-jerk reaction.

[laurajv]

I mean, in the usual situation, I agree. A ridiculous amount of that kind of relationship maintenance ends up on women partners of men. But in this case the hints in the letter make me think something else is going on.

[conuly]

This woman sounds an awful lot like my paternal grandmother. There's a reason we lost touch completely after he died, to the point where nobody contacted us at her death. She did, in fact, repeatedly try to trick my parents into signing over custody of us. LW needs to be aware that grandparents who act like this might very well try to get the kids however they can.

[laurajv]

anyone else remembering the woman whose in-laws straight up abducted her kids after her husband's death, and then were surprised when she got the kids back, refused to speak to them again, and moved back to her home country?

[conuly]

What could possibly have caused her to move away from those inlaws, though? It's a total mystery!

[rosefox]

NOOOOOOOPE NO NO NO NO NO

[laurajv]

right? today on "letters that give me the screaming heebiejeebies"

[starfleetbrat]

This sounds like one of those episodes of SVU where the grandparent ends up being a total psycho so I feel like the best advice for this would be "Run Away. Far Far Away."

[sporky_rat]

Like, running so far away that the Seagulls are impressed.

[holdouttrout]

Holy moly the LAYERS here. I feel like LW has really lost sight of what the usual boundaries are. Yikes.