Woman Wonders Why Son Didn't Reveal Partner's Miscarriage

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: I thought my son and I were close. Recently, I learned that his girlfriend had a miscarriage. I learned about it from an email his girlfriend sent me, and I have also learned he told another relative he's close to about the miscarriage. I called his girlfriend after receiving her email and expressed my sympathy, inquired about her health and told her that I would keep her and my son in my prayers.

My feelings are hurt because I didn't hear about the pregnancy/miscarriage from my son, and he disclosed it to another relative instead. I thought we could discuss anything -- even though we disagree on some things. I want to ask why he didn't tell me and let him know my feelings are hurt because children are family treasures. Should I express how I feel and ask why he felt he couldn't share with me? -- OVERLOOKED IN FLORIDA

DEAR OVERLOOKED: Resist the urge to personalize this the way you have. If you are smart, you will think long and hard -- a few months, perhaps -- before asking your son that question because if there is a problem in your relationship, this will only make it worse. Take this opportunity to work on the things that aren't right in your relationship with your son. He may have had other things besides his mother on his mind when this happened, and may not have wanted or needed to be reminded that children are family treasures.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2435228

Comments

[conuly]

I think I know why LW's son didn't tell her about this miscarriage....

[jadelennox]

"even though we disagree on some things"

[shirou]

Better advice: Resist the urge to make another woman’s miscarriage about you. Don’t raise this with your son at all. Be kind and supportive, and be glad your son’s girlfriend felt comfortable writing you about her (not his) deeply personal and sad experience.

[ambyr]

This is surprisingly sensible advice from Abby.

This BS is one reason so many of us don't talk freely about miscarriage, infertility, or abortion

[feldman]

The whole "children are family treasures" bit strikes me as super proprietary over another woman's body, especially when that woman herself reached out to inform you when she was ready to share.

She's treating this like her son got into a car accident, and she heard about it afterward from the car.

Re: This BS is one reason so many of us don't talk freely about miscarriage, infertility, or abortio

[azurelunatic]

Exactly

Re: This BS is one reason so many of us don't talk freely about miscarriage, infertility, or abortio

[minoanmiss]

Perfect analogy is perfect.

[eva_rosen]

Clearly she should't care whether her son has children or not, seeing as their relationship is so effed up he presumably wouldn't want her in their life anyway.

[mommy]

My sympathies to the son and his girlfriend.

I'm pleasantly surprised by Abby's advice. It's a little softer than I'd prefer, but that probably makes it more palatable to the LW.

[grammarwoman]

It's like LW has never heard of the "Dump out, not in" theory.

[staranise]

But she DID watch that part in Buffy where all of Buffy's friends get mad AT HER for scaring them by not including them in coping with a massively traumatic event.

[ysobel]

Belated additional thought: does son/gf even WANT her prayers? I have encountered too many religious people who assume it's a-ok to pray *at* people, including sharing (private) info with strangers because prayer circles.

And I say that as a semi-religiousy someone who *likes* prayer.