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DEAR ABBY: I am raising my two granddaughters and trying to allow their mother, my daughter, to visit with them. My problem is, the entire time she is with us, she stays on her phone or Snapchat. Last weekend, I drove to the place where she resides, and the whole time we were there she ignored the girls. I have a ton of family and friends who say I'm wrong for allowing her to even see the girls, period. I don't want to be the bad guy when they grow up. Help, Abby. -- FOR THEIR GOOD IN OHIO
DEAR FOR THEIR GOOD: Either your daughter doesn't know how to relate to her children, which is why she stays on her cellphone when you bring them to her, or she's not interested in creating a bond since she has offloaded them to you. Talk with your daughter. Tell her that if she isn't prepared to actually spend time with her children, you will stop bringing them, and then follow through. Children aren't stupid. They know when someone is interested in them and when they are being ignored. In the end, you won't be the bad guy in their eyes.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2434033
DEAR FOR THEIR GOOD: Either your daughter doesn't know how to relate to her children, which is why she stays on her cellphone when you bring them to her, or she's not interested in creating a bond since she has offloaded them to you. Talk with your daughter. Tell her that if she isn't prepared to actually spend time with her children, you will stop bringing them, and then follow through. Children aren't stupid. They know when someone is interested in them and when they are being ignored. In the end, you won't be the bad guy in their eyes.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2434033
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Unless Mom's parental rights have been severed due to neglect or abuse, she has both a legal and a moral right to see her children. (And so does Dad - does LW make an effort for these kids to see their father(s)?)
And the kids have a right to know their parents. Even if Grandma has legally adopted these girls, that doesn't mean it's necessarily best to cut off Mom.
It might not be in the kid's best interest to keep making long, weekly visits to somebody who is uninterested in visiting with them... but then again, it might be damaging for the kids to have Grandma effectively tell them "Mom doesn't care". The appropriate people to ask for help here are not your buttinsky neighbors, those family and friends who don't understand the situation, nor Abby, but a child therapist and a lawyer - preferably ones who specialize in tricky custody situations like this one.
LW should also consider that even if Mom is unwilling to pay attention to her kids when they're there, she might throw a massive fit if the visits end and take the kids back - back to a home where she's still not particularly interested in caring for them. Tread carefully.
In conclusion, Abby's advice is crap.
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There is a lot unspecified in this letter, but if she's raising her daughter's kids, and has "a ton" of family and friends who know this and (presumably) the reasons why, then there's *probably* a lot more going on legally/systemwise than we're aware of.
Certainly, LW should talk to her daughter, but don't bring out the ultimatum guns yet.
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So, that in mind, I think a key here lies in another phrasing, that she's "allowing" their mother to see them. Does that mean that daughter is asking for visitation, and LW is agreeing to it? Or does it mean that LW is pushing daughter to spend time with the kids? If it's the former, then letting the daughter know that she's not following through on that instance is probably a good idea. If it's the latter, well...it's probably worth some time with a family therapist to discuss whether these visits are really in the girls' best interest, and if not, how best to disengage.
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