Dear Abby: I read my wife's diary and learned something hurtful

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in our 60s and have been married more than 40 years. It hasn't always been great, but we've made it.

Recently, while going through some old boxes in the basement, I ran across her diary and discovered that she had an affair while we were engaged. This has left me depressed, hurt and feeling very down. Should I confront her with my findings? -- HURTING IN OHIO

DEAR HURTING: If you feel the need to bring this up after 40 years, then rather than let it fester and ruin the next 40, tell your wife what you have found. However, before you do that, remember diaries are supposed to be private, and you will have to explain why you took it upon yourself to read something that was never meant for you to see.

Comments

[cereta]

I posted this mostly because it was interesting, and heartening, to see Abby reverse her stance on reading diaries, although there are still people insisting that since she left it in an old box in the basement, she must have MEANT him to read it. It makes me wonder what security measures people think someone would have to take.

Mostly, I think Abby's advice is decent, although I might suggest seeing a counselor for a couple of sessions first to see if he can't let it go, or if he must confront her, to do so with a professional. The first thing he has to figure out is if he wants to save his marriage. All other decisions flow from that.

[cereta]

Also, some commenters brought up: it's possible that what she wrote is not true. People do many things with diaries.

[minoanmiss]

Well, not to be flip, but if she had an affair while they were engaged, she did choose him and not the other person. But then, this affair happened longer ago than I've been alive, so I confess to feeling he should let it go.

But on the third tentacle, his feelings are his feelings and I can't dictate them.

(Though I think he deserves the pain a tiny bit. The only times to read someone's diary are if they hand it to one and say "you may" or after they are dead*, and either way, be prepared to be hurt. People are complicated and tell their diaries things they never meant to tell anyone else.)

*: which is another ethical discussion.

[amadi]

I think minoanmiss hit on the crucial factor: his feelings are his feelings. It is not the wife's job to soothe his feelings about something he had no right to even know about. If he tells her about this, he's prioritizing his self-created angst about a functionally meaningless decades old incident over the betrayal and violation he engaged in by reading her diary, and explicitly demanding her emotional labor in helping him work through whatever he's decided to feel about something that literally doesn't matter. I wish Abby had made it more clear that his wife doesn't owe him that.

[cereta]

*nods* I'm usually pretty hard on infidelity (the lying part of it), but I recognize the decision to keep a mistake to yourself rather than let it scupper something real and meaningful. I always think, "peek not through a keyhole, lest ye be vexed."

[shirou]

But it's not true that the LW had no right to know about the affair. He should not have learned about it in the manner he did, but that's not the same thing.

Infidelity is the breaking of a promise between two people, and only those two people can work out how much it matters for their relationship. I agree that the 40-year gap should be a huge mitigating factor, but ultimately it's not for you or me to decide that it "literally doesn't matter." It's not our trust that was violated. You seem to be totally dismissive of the LW's right to his own feelings.

And I really don't know what to make of your statement that the wife doesn't owe the LW any emotional labor over this. Marriage requires emotional labor, and part of marrying is agreeing to make that investment. If explaining the circumstances of an affair doesn't qualify as something one can ask of a spouse, then I don't know what does.

If it were me, I would confess to reading the diary and ask forgiveness. Then I would ask my wife to tell me what happened 40 years ago and be as forgiving of her as I hope she would be of me.

[amadi]

You only have a right to know what people tell you. His wife didn't tell him, therefore he had no right to know.

And while emotional labor is a part of marriage, emotional labor on demand to deal with your partner's self-created crisis is not. Remember, he is not actually angry because she had an affair prior to their marriage, he is angry because he found out about it.

As for "literally doesn't matter," I'm taking a pragmatic approach. He can't change it, can't undo it, can't undo 40 years of marriage that followed it, and can't ignore that she ultimately chose him. It has not had a negative impact upon their relationship, or the marriage wouldn't have lasted for so long. Clearly the wife has not spent the last 40 years pining for her clandestine lover and giving LW emotional short shrift.

So what does this knowledge do, other than make him all emotionally conflicted and sad for absolutely no reason? It does nothing. This only matters because he's decided to make it matter -- and matter more than his contemporary act of betrayal -- not because it actually makes any material change in their circumstance.

[shirou]

I think our views on this are irreconcilable. We have different axioms. It's interesting to see how dramatically different perspectives can be, though. Of everything you said, this strikes me as the most peculiar:

Remember, he is not actually angry because she had an affair prior to their marriage, he is angry because he found out about it.

I should use that with my wife the next time I'm late picking up our son from daycare and she somehow learns of it. She's not mad because I was late; she's mad because she found out about it.

[shreena]

I'm with you - bit surprised both by Abby's response and by others here.

Additionally, I thought the letter was quite clear that it's not the case that they've been blissfully happy for 40 years. It sounded like it had been quite tough and that, potentially, the LW was partly thinking that, if he had known about the affair then, he might have broken off the engagement and that that might have been better for all concerned. He's probably also wondering whether that was the only affair she had.

[cereta]

You have some fair points. I still think is his first step is figuring out (preferably with a counselor) if, right know, knowing what he knows, he wants to stay married to her. Everything else has to spring from that.