agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: My parents are up in age 81 and 86. My younger sister and I are their only children. I take my mom and dad to doctor appointments and call them every day to check on them. I live an hour and fifteen minutes away. My sister lives 20 minutes away and never calls them or sees them. My dad says she's busy, she works or that she has a house to take care of. I'm not healthy and am on disability. On top of all this, my dad made her executor of the trust.

I've always been treated like I know nothing, even though I've had more schooling than her. And my sister always has something to say about my weight, and it's never nice. My ringtone on her phone is a pig oinking.

She's my only sister; it's just us. But I feel like the only mistreated child. I've reached out numerous times to her to discuss this, but it never goes anywhere. It does not like we are family. What should I do? I'm tired of crying. -- Sidelined Sister

Dear Sidelined: Your sister's calling you a pig says nothing about you, and it speaks volumes about her. But to dwell on her cruelty and the unfairness of the situation is to inflict further pain upon yourself. As Malachy McCourt wrote, "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Set boundaries in line with self-respect, such as calmly ending conversations when your sister begins hurling insults. Know that you are a generous, loving person, and it's wonderful that you help to care for your parents.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2428025

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LW and her sister must be in their 50s or 60s by now. After all these decades isn't it clear to LW that her sister isn't going to change? That she doesn't want to change, that she doesn't want to discuss this, that she doesn't want to be a sister to LW?

The woman's going to die alone, and it can't happen too soon. LW needs to stop wasting both their time calling her or trying to talk to her for any reason.

Meanwhile, LW should have a serious talk with her parents about the fact that she's doing all this work, but it's her unpleasant sister who's getting control over the money. I'd quite honestly advise her to put her foot down over this - LW is the one who's shown herself responsible enough to be executor of the trust, and should be given the lion's share of the inheritance when the parents go, both because she's earned the money and also because she clearly needs it. And if they don't see that, maybe it's time for to tell them to arrange their own transportation to appointments. She can use the newfound free time to get new friends who want to be around her, and maybe go to therapy.

Edited 2020-10-24 10:31 (UTC)

In a somewhat analogous situation some considerable while ago within my own family, what it actually took was relatives outside the specific nuclear group pointing out to the parent the gross unfairness of what they intended to do in the will. Are there no relatives/family friends/lawyer to intervene?

I have a gloomy feeling that patterns within this family are too deeply set for her to reset them now herself, if she hasn't yet.

You're probably right.

Executor of a will doesn’t mean you get the whole inheritance. Executor of the will is the one who has to sign all the paper work and keep the ball rolling with the lawyers and the state, and getting death certificates where they need to go. The executor gets 5% off the top of the will for this work, but how the inheritance is divided is totally a matter of what the parents put in the will and the sister is legally obligated to carry it out, so it doesn’t mean the sister is getting anymore than LW than that 5%. Making her the executor is probably the way the parents are giving the sister a job to do since the LW is doing all the care taking, which is very responsible of them to their girls, (editing for rethinking)unlike the amount of leaning on the seemingly willing daughter for caretaking they are doing with LW.

What isn’t responsible is that the parents know all this, and it would have been nice for them to communicate it to LW to let her know she is not cut out of the will, getting less, or less favored, but people don’t think of that, and sometimes, that’s the game. They should be dividing things 50%, but LW doesn’t know if that is so, so they’re not treating her with trust or being trustworthy. The LW has a right to ask, but it’s so very hard with the way money aligns with fears of not being loved and lack of trust. For some of us, it just feels money-grubbing to ask your parents about this, but a functional family should be able to talk easily about how the inheritance is being divided and even have family talks about it--a crazy radical idea! It’s just a typical dysfunctional family where everyone loses because you can’t NOT play the game even if you walk very far away.

The parents had a hand in how things have turned out with these sisters. Intentionally or not, they have played them against each other here. The sister probably feels as sidelined as LW and that is why she doesn’t hang around the parents. While her sister is disgusting and fat phobic with her weight jibes, LW judges her sister for not spending time with her parents, but doesn’t seem to have a clue as to why, and her sister’s reasons might be very good for not being around them. The sister is well aware she is being judged by LW and LW’s lack of understanding could be as hurtful as her sister’s nasty jibes. LW needs help in getting some insight on this, because the relationship isn’t going away and there’s more to come.

Edited 2020-10-24 21:30 (UTC)

Absolutely agree. I had a similar situation with my older sister, who wound up taking control of my father's estate and stealing it. (My father had made it very clear for years that his estate was supposed to be divided between his children equally, with my oldest brother's share being split between his kids.) My sister was supposed to be his executor, and I was supposed to be the backup. When my father died, lo and behold, my sister's son had become the backup. I asked repeatedly for information about the estate, which my sister withheld by telling me "I'm not withholding any information from you!" She also attempted to justify transferring all of the stocks my father owned to her own kids, claiming she had "explicit verbal instructions" from my father to do so. As far as I know, she never distributed the estate. I should have sued her socks off.

LW should have that talk with her parents right now.

There's a point where it's worthwhile to just offer a white lie about having an appointment or social obligation of your own instead of moonlighting as your parent's personal chauffeur. The letter writer has been putting in all this unrewarded work, so it's fair for her to take a step back and take care of herself for a change. They can arrange their own transportation now and then.

I don't see a good way to handle the sister other than to move on. The woman doesn't respect the letter writer and clearly doesn't see family ties as a good enough reason to get along, so it's probably time for the letter writer to respect the sister's wishes and drop the woman from her life.