agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I am 25 and live with my parents. My 28-year-old sister lives in a condo about 10 minutes away. She just graduated from school and moved back here, which means she doesn't have many friends in the city.

For the last five months, she has been coming over for dinner like clockwork every day and every weekend. I'm still finding ways to be social during quarantine, but my sister doesn't seem able to find other means to meet people. Seeing this much of her is, well, too much.

She demands attention, practically forces us to entertain her and gets upset when the dinner my parents are cooking doesn't meet her specifications. At her age, spending this much time with your parents seems, quite frankly, unhealthy. I'm scared to bring it up because she's hypersensitive. How do I avoid another several months of lockdown with a person who doesn't even live with me? -- OVERWHELMED IN OREGON

DEAR OVERWHELMED: This isn't a subject you should address with your sister, but is something to discuss privately with your parents. Whether to draw the line and encourage your sister to become less dependent is something they might want to consider.

When her company becomes more than you can handle, excuse yourself, go to your room and avail yourself of your other ways to be social by firing up your computer and visiting with friends. It would also be a kindness for you to suggest ways she, too, can network with people in her field or who have some common interests.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2422159

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If LW thinks it's unhealthy for people in their mid-20s to eat dinner with their parents then LW really ought to put their money where their mouth is and move out. Or at least stop eating dinner with them.

I'm in my latter 30s and regularly eat with my parents. Not every day but there have been "going through our stuff" periods where I'd eat with them 3 or 4 days a week. (My parents are going through their stuff now rather than leaving it for us to handle when they've passed. Plus the 3 kids worth of stuff that accumulated and didn't move out when the kids did.) LW is probably judging me somewhere.

I suspect that rule is for LW's Annoying Sibling only. If Annoying Sibling were younger LW would come up with some blob about 'development' or something.

Yeah, that had me kind of...wha? Like something magical happens between 25 and 28?

There are really two issues here that concern LW at all:

1. The demand to be entertained, which they can solve by leaving the room and letting their parents deal with it.

2. The pickiness about meals, which unless LW is cooking or is somehow averse to said meals, is also the parents' issue. If either of those things are true, then they either need to address it with their parents or order Grub Hub.

If their parents ask for help, then they can develop some strategies, but mostly, LW needs to let this not be their problem, and quit being so damn judgmental.

Edited 2020-10-12 14:29 (UTC)

Can I suggest therapy for both yourself and your sister? Separately. Because neither of you seem to be handling the pandemic well.

I'd stay out of the meal situation unless your parents ask your opinion. Leaving the room is also my advice.

I deduce long-standing sibling issues which possibly should have been addressed in therapy well before the present crisis brought them to a head.

I also boggle that someone who is still living with their parents at the age of 25 says, about someone who is coming to dinner in a situation in which more general socialisation for themselves or the parents is surely heavily restricted, 'At her age, spending this much time with your parents seems, quite frankly, unhealthy'. I can see a lot more ways this whole picture could be interpreted!

I was thinking the LW was the pot, but then I hit this line: She demands attention, practically forces us to entertain her and gets upset when the dinner my parents are cooking doesn't meet her specifications and was like, oh, no, this is about something else. Sister sounds like she might be a narcissist who's having a hard time because she has limited people to control, and has come home to the people who are easy to control. The "hypersensitive" descriptor is also suggestive.

I mean, it's possible that LW is the narcissist here, projecting like whoa, but I don't think they are, and I don't think they have the language to convey why they find sister's behavior problematic.

LW sounds so blazingly hypocritical here that I simply cannot take their words at face value. I'm not saying that they're projecting, but I don't think that they're accurately describing the situation.

Five bucks says "she demands attention" means "she talks about herself for a little while", "practically forces us to entertain her" means "she doesn't just dine and dash but sits and chitchats", and "gets upset when the dinner my parents are cooking doesn't meet her specifications" means "she's recently become vegetarian". (Also noted - LW doesn't make dinner even one day out of the week.)

It seems likely nobody here is doing anything awful. It’s just a small group of people spending a lot of time quarantined together, getting on each other’s nerves.

LW: you need to accept there’s a good reason your sister is spending so much time at home. Where else is she going to go? These are extraordinary times. Stop being so judgmental. If she’s annoying you, go do something else.

Sister: you need to be grateful for the food and company and accept them without complaint. If you’re bored, find a hobby. If your parents’ dinner isn’t up to your standards, cook your own.

Each sibling should cook dinner once weekly, and take turns kicking in for takeout once weekly as well, give their parents a break.

Yeah, agreed. They’re adults, so if they are living at home—or spending a lot of time there—they should be pitching in.

Dear LW,
Do you even fucking hear yourself? Your sister left home for around 4 years and then came back. You never left. You don’t get to say she is spending too much time with your parents or not. You don’t own any of them and stop acting like you do.

I hear your “we” that excludes your sister from the family. Apparently when you leave home, you no longer have a right to be part of your birth family, according to you. Sorry, no. It’s her family, too. She hasn’t been issued a new one. She apparently needs family as much as you do. Deal.

It sounds like someone enjoyed finally being the only baby in the nest and wants to continue being The Sole Baby in Residence. So sorry your nest has another sibling occupant. You are old enough to remember that you have to share to get along. Too bad for you, Big Baby.

No sympathy,
Me

Since we're all speculating wildly, I suspect little sister is maybe not thrilled to be at home, also. Like, "Hey you've got your whole condo, why are you here being too much" - I imagine that kind of privacy seems like a luxury when you're quarantining with your parents (and vice versa if you live alone).

I am definitely also in the camp that the pickiest eater should do some of the cooking, if they can. Like, this is probably the best way to share with your parents food you actually like/can eat, you know? Plus it's just a gracious thing to do even if you are technically the guest (and might have to fight your parents to cook when you are the "guest" -- if their family is like mine)