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Ask Amy: Prospective parents worry about racist relatives
Dear Amy: My brother’s wife has been posting a lot of racist content and wild conspiracy theories to her social media accounts.
My husband and I have asked her to reconsider her positions, but she has doubled down (more than once) and asserted her right “as a white Christian” to say these things. My niece (16) said, “Eew. I’d never be friends with a black person.”
My brother told me that they would never apologize for their beliefs.
My husband and I are beginning the journey of becoming foster parents. In our area, 62 percent of children in foster care are children of color. We've told my parents that we need to cut contact with my brother's family. My mother is pushing me to let them "set the record straight.”
I’m not comfortable forcing children of color to interact with them, knowing the kind of hate they hold in their hearts. I’m not comfortable with them around white children we might foster, either. My parents refuse to accept this, and so we are currently not speaking to them, either.
Do I owe my brother’s family yet another chance to explain themselves? Even if they promise to stop publicly stating these racist things, how can I trust them to be kind to children of color in my care? How can I have a relationship with my parents, even if I can’t have one with my brother?
— Trying to Do the Right Thing
Dear Trying: Like any prospective parents, you want to “childproof” your surroundings to protect your child from physical or psychic harm.
Just as your brother and his wife are describing their world to their daughter, you will honestly describe your world to your child.
There seems little point in trying to force these people to renounce their racist ideology. They are showing you who they are. Believe them.
You should not follow them on social media. You should not involve your mother. You don’t actually have to declare an estrangement — you can simply make choices as you go.
Yes, you will naturally minimize time spent with them because they seem awful, and you don’t like them (they don’t seem to like you, either).
For many of us, however, the very definition of “family” is to occasionally share space with loudmouths, blowhards, racists, or people you simply don’t like.
In time, you can explain to your child why you don’t like them.
Relieve your mother of her desire to mediate; simply tell her that it is not necessary.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2415108?fs
My husband and I have asked her to reconsider her positions, but she has doubled down (more than once) and asserted her right “as a white Christian” to say these things. My niece (16) said, “Eew. I’d never be friends with a black person.”
My brother told me that they would never apologize for their beliefs.
My husband and I are beginning the journey of becoming foster parents. In our area, 62 percent of children in foster care are children of color. We've told my parents that we need to cut contact with my brother's family. My mother is pushing me to let them "set the record straight.”
I’m not comfortable forcing children of color to interact with them, knowing the kind of hate they hold in their hearts. I’m not comfortable with them around white children we might foster, either. My parents refuse to accept this, and so we are currently not speaking to them, either.
Do I owe my brother’s family yet another chance to explain themselves? Even if they promise to stop publicly stating these racist things, how can I trust them to be kind to children of color in my care? How can I have a relationship with my parents, even if I can’t have one with my brother?
— Trying to Do the Right Thing
Dear Trying: Like any prospective parents, you want to “childproof” your surroundings to protect your child from physical or psychic harm.
Just as your brother and his wife are describing their world to their daughter, you will honestly describe your world to your child.
There seems little point in trying to force these people to renounce their racist ideology. They are showing you who they are. Believe them.
You should not follow them on social media. You should not involve your mother. You don’t actually have to declare an estrangement — you can simply make choices as you go.
Yes, you will naturally minimize time spent with them because they seem awful, and you don’t like them (they don’t seem to like you, either).
For many of us, however, the very definition of “family” is to occasionally share space with loudmouths, blowhards, racists, or people you simply don’t like.
In time, you can explain to your child why you don’t like them.
Relieve your mother of her desire to mediate; simply tell her that it is not necessary.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2415108?fs
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I somewhat agree with the advice that you can just not hang out with your brother's family, without it being a formal Estrangement involving your parents and the rest of your social circle. But in this case, I think being officially and publicly estranged might well be a worthwhile gesture.
I almost wish this was a Captain Awkward letter. I've frequently been annoyed with Jennifer P lately for being absolutely hard line about not having any kind of relationship with anyone who vaguely leans Republican. But I think Trying could really do with some support for her position: breaking off relationships with racists, and not just pretending to be polite because 'faaaaaaaaaamily' as CA would put it, is a morally good thing to do. Particularly when vulnerable children are involved.
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I mean being 'hard line' or not about cutting off bigoted family is not a one-size-fits all proposition: can't work for everyone, but the flipside of that is that quietly and subtly preserving the peace by just ghosting them most of the time as Amy seems to be suggesting here definitely won't work for everyone either. It's a tradeoff and it all depends on the individual situation and what the individual person wants out of it and is willing to put up with.
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If you have a mom who wants to mediate, *she will keep trying*. (in general) You will *keep getting drawn in*. (in general)
So, yeah, drawing lines, probably gonna have to happen, unfortunately.
"Do I owe my brother’s family yet another chance to explain themselves? Even if they promise to stop publicly stating these racist things, how can I trust them to be kind to children of color in my care? How can I have a relationship with my parents, even if I can’t have one with my brother?"
Also, in order: No, you can't, and with difficulty. (And it's OK not to if it comes to that.)
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*does not comment on the 16 year old*
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