agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Carolyn: Eight years ago, I sent my nephew a check as a gift for his graduation. I never received a thank-you note.

Recently, I have been contacted by nephew's mom, explaining that the check was misplaced and recently turned up, thanking me for it and insisting I not replace the check.

However, I believe the true intention of nephew's mom is for me to send another check. I believe I should not feel guilty if I do not send another, as I've already spent the energy, time and stamp to send the first check, and it was misplaced, not through any fault of mine. In addition, eight years have passed. Thoughts??

— Unsure in Wisconsin

Unsure in Wisconsin: My main thought is that I would not choose to live in so dark a place as the one you live in.

The same facts you gave also fit this narrative: Your nephew’s mom found the check, realized you never received any acknowledgment for your gift and felt terrible about that. So she decided to let you know what happened — and took the extra measure of insisting you not replace the check, just to make sure you didn’t misinterpret this long-overdue appreciation for your gift as a shakedown.

It really isn’t that hard to frame things, and people, in the most forgiving way available to you with the facts on hand.

You will give people breaks they don’t deserve sometimes, sure, but I’d rather be wrong occasionally than preemptively aggrieved and suspicious all the time.

Wouldn’t you? If you’re unsure, would it hurt to try busting that rut, to see how sunlight feels?

It would give you as much of a break as anyone: You ask whether you “should” feel “guilty” for not replacing the check, which you frame in terms of energy expenditure vs. joy of giving, and describe as lost “not through any fault of mine.” So, bad feeling, grousing, blame deflecting. You’ve got yourself under the negative cloud.

Yet this version is available: If you want to replace the check, then you can! And enjoy a second, belated round of the good feeling you (presumably?) got from sending a young relative a gift. And if you can’t or don’t want to replace the check, then be thankful his mother was gracious enough to anticipate that possibility and insist you not do so, thus preempting any guilt.

Whichever option you choose, please don’t stop there. If you’re leaving this much goodwill on the table in such a small life transaction as this — and seeing so much ill intent and feeling — then I’m confident there’s more goodwill out there in plain sight that you’re allowing to escape your notice. Hardship inspires humanity, too, so now’s actually a good time to retrain your eyes to see that.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-taking-offense-at-thank-you-lets-just-sit-with-that-for-a-minute/2020/09/23/85e48a7a-f9d7-11ea-89e3-4b9efa36dc64_story.html

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Unless this family/Nephew's Mom has a history of paggro "oh no, don't replace that lamp you knocked over, I'll just sit in the dark" behavior I'm with Carolyn here. And even if they did, well, go with what people say. NM said "don't replace it", then, don't replace it!

And Nephew's Mom might be super pa all the time. Regardless, I'm raising a serious eyebrow at the entire paragraph about how energy-intensive it is to mail a check. I know some people have serious disabilities that make it difficult, but without any context it looks like a completely bizarre statement.

A check is just about the most low-energy gift there is, especially if it’s for someone whose tastes you ought to know, and OP is complaining about doing even that much? I suspect the mom’s comment is because she was trying to cut off OP’s overly dramatic reaction before it got started, but there’s just no way for her to win here.

Yeah, the only way it can be even more low-energy is if you do paypal instead. Which I'd advise the LW to start doing if mailing checks is a serious hassle for them.

That paragraph took more energy than mailing a check does!

That paragraph took more energy than mailing a check does!

I mean, for me, hopping in my power wheelchair and getting to the nearest post box and back would be my physical energy budget for the day.

But I'm assuming that if she was that Disabled / that chronically ill, she would have mentioned it.

Is it not the case in Australia that you can mail a letter by simply handing it to the mail carrier at your door (or even putting it in the box, though that's iffier)?

Is it not the case in Australia that you can mail a letter by simply handing it to the mail carrier at your door (or even putting it in the box, though that's iffier)?

Um, that's not a thing in Australia.

Seriously, not a thing.

Also, you'd have to camp out at your letterbox [which is some distance from your front door, and usually has no shade] all day to catch the postie - they zoom along the footpath on motorbikes and they only pause ***even briefly*** if they have mail for a letterbox.

this is also not a thing in the UK and my mail gets here at an unpredictable time, and in normal times I go out to work, so... that would, itself be hard, but I would just bank transfer the money.

And even if they did, well, go with what people say.

Yeah, agreed. And if the nephew's mom is somehow actually being passive-aggressive, then it'll be fun! Taking passive-aggressive people at their word is really very enjoyable.

LW doesn't tell us why they imagine Nephew's Mom was really hinting that she wanted a new check when she said "Don't send a new check", but even if LW has a super good reason for thinking that this is the case, you have no obligation to send checks to people.

(Though, seriously, if you're this irritated at the prospect of having to write out a check, stamp it, and drop it in the mailbox - next time, use paypal!)

It's the citing of the stamp that really gets me.

The one thing about this that makes me think LW might be correct about the mom's intentions--or at least have reason to expect that kind of passive-aggressive behavior--is mention of being in Wisconsin. I moved to WI two and a half years ago from a Great Plains state and I have to say, I've encountered more P-A behavior masked by "niceness" here than I've ever seen. It happens all the time, about the simplest things, and it's so pervasive that it leaves lots of us, native and not, second guessing what interactions mean. LW may be living "under a cloud," but it might not be of their own making.

ETA: That doesn't mean I think LW should send another check! I've found the only way to cure people of that PA stuff is to take them at their word and move forward as if you 100% believe what they say.

Edited 2020-09-28 17:25 (UTC)

Meep. Cheese and passive-aggressiveness.

The question that leaps into my mind is, "Did the original check ever clear to begin with?"

Because that's a thing that can be discovered with a little bit of investigation. If the check did clear way back when, then maybe there's a bit of a shakedown going on (but seriously, if it was for a large amount, why didn't the LW keep track of whether it had cleared or not, and if it was for a small amount, why is she still fretting about it after all this time?); and if it didn't clear, then it probably was a genuinely misplaced item.

Did it occur to either LW or Carolyn to see if the check cleared at any point?

Maybe it's just me, but when I write someone a check and it doesn't clear my account in a reasonable period of time (about a month, usually), I ask if they got it.

Yeah, this. Why in the hell was she sitting there fuming about not getting a thank you when the money was obviously still sitting in her account. This woman is ridiculous please and I’m glad Carolyn pointed out that all she’s doing is making herself unhappy.

Mmm, but people don't always check. I know that those who are scrupulous find that hard to believe, but some people just don't look to make sure all their checks were cashed - especially if the amount on the check is fairly small.

Yeah, but to my mind she’s only allowed to get shirty if she can say, “Why didn’t I get a thank you note? I can see the check was cashed.”

And if the amount was so trivial that she didn’t need to check it, she’s really on her high horse.

This is a person who is hyper-ready to always find offense with others, never herself.

'In addition, eight years have passed' hit me like a mack truck. What on earth?