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agonyaunt2020-09-25 11:03 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-09-25 11:03 am
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: Tainted Furniture
From the same transcript which gave us the evil father wanting a kidney...
The subject here is tainted sofa, my favorite subject
My Dear Prudence. I broke up with my ex a year ago after a seven year relationship. My new girlfriend, Amanda, wants to move into my condo since her new workplace is close to me and her roommate left a month ago. She’s balking because my ex chose the majority of my furniture and feels it will, quote, taint our future. I have offered to get the place repainted and get new pictures, but I am not getting rid of my furniture. Most of it is high end and expensive. Amanda’s stuff is either from IKEA or college leftovers. Amanda has also been panicked over her finances since her roommate left. She has a lot of loans. I don’t understand why she is stuck on this point when I am ready and able to give her free room and board. I love her and we agree on everything 90 percent of the time. This is out of character for her. What do I do?
S3: I want to see a picture of the sofa before I decide honestly, like, I mean, you got to have a sofa. Exorcism is all you got to do. That’s what it is under the sofa. Yeah. I’m just like, what if it’s ugly? Like, what if I’m helping someone defend ugly furniture?
S1: Like, OK, fine, her stuff is college leftovers or IKEA, but like not IKEA still leaves a lot of opportunities for ugly furniture. So please send in a picture so I can decide how hard to fight for your furniture before I give you an answer.
S3: Good point. Good point. We can’t know without seeing it.
S1: Yeah, do you have a sense are you familiar with. The number of people who move in with a partner because like their roommate left or like, oh, you’re closer to work, and whether or not that seems to produce different outcomes than people who move in together, because it’s like we’ve talked about it for a long time, we really want to live together. We think it’s going to be great for us. We’re moving in together because we want to live together.
S6: I mean. The latter is always better than the former, I certainly know people who have succeeded with the former, I certainly know people who moved in because it was just going to be more convenient to combine rent or something. But usually they have some sense of the ladder here. It just kind of sounds like, you know, our letter writer got out of a long term relationship, ended up in another relationship. And it’s just, you know, they’re just kind of coasting through the motions of what a relationship should look like. And, you know, the fact that Amanda is this worked up about the furniture, which, again, maybe it’s terrible furniture. So we should we should grant her that possibility. You know, that that feels to me like a sign of, oh, maybe she hasn’t thought this through as much as she maybe could have.
S1: Yeah. Or like, you know, that’s not to say that, like, anybody who moves in with a partner for some. Sense of convenience or some sense of like financial constraints being lifted like that, nothing that’s not like, oh, no, you’re doomed to failure. I don’t want to knock that down too much. But I do think if it’s just like, you know, you broke up with your ex a year ago after a seven year relationship, which means like at the maximum, you’ve been dating Amanda for 11 months, which is, you know, it’s fast to move in after 11 months. You’re you know, you’re allowed to it’s not illegal, but it’s fast. And the way that, like, it’s framed of like, well, Amanda wants to move into my condo because her work is nearby and her roommate left. So it’s already a little bit of like, well, she’s in kind of a bind, so she might move in with me. But there’s nothing about like I really love spending time with her. And the idea of, like, building a domestic routine together thrills me. And then I don’t get why she’s stuck on this when I’m ready to give her free room and board. And it’s just like, oh, so you’re like a generous landlord in a medieval video game. And she’s like a windswept traveler who has like one heavy coin, you know. Yeah. Like it’s very like I’m being very generous. Amanda, I don’t understand why you’re making such a snit about this. Just feels like I don’t know that you two should move in together. And that doesn’t mean you should break up or never move in together. It just seems like you’re thinking of this as like she’s in a bind and I’m being generous. And she thinks of this as like I’m in a bind and I want to start making a home together. And I just I yeah, I guess that’s what my my problem is. I feel like when people talk about moving in together, but they seem to have no interest in building a home together, it’s very much just like you’re the roommate I’m going to have sex with the most. Yeah. That often to me spells trouble.
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S6: I mean, not to not to make it about me, but my wife and I, when we got together, had a very perent parent child relationship because we were so young. And like there is that element of any time you’re opening a space up to like be the primary caregiver and the other person is going to be like, oh, I don’t you know, is is going to be in a space where they’re always being taken care of. You have to be very clear about like having those conversations about which lines are drawn, where, again, that can work, that can be a relationship that works. But I know from personal experience how hard it is to navigate and how hard it is to make it nontoxic when it starts out in that toxic place.
S1: Yeah, I think that’s a really good way to ground this conversation. I think the thing that needs to happen now is that this letter writer needs to say, here’s how I’ve been envisioning our moving in together. It’s primarily to do with the fact that you’re in a bind and it’s my place and you will be living with me. Does that line up with what you’ve been expecting and then listen to what she has to say and if what she has to say is like no, I mean, obviously, like the shorter commute and the better rent would be great. But like, I envision this as our place and I’ll be on the lease with you and we will make joint decisions together and we will make decorating decisions together. And if that’s what she wants and it’s not what you want, do not move in together. She should find another roommate, just keep dating. And then you have bigger conversations about when or if you might want to live together someday down the road. And if so, what’s some furniture you both like. Like? You know, it’s it’s fine to have different interior decorating tastes and it’s fine to either decide to compromise or just to have separate places. But, you know, you don’t have to move in with someone at 11 months just because you live closer to their work. So if you two don’t want the same thing, don’t move in together.
S6: And if Amanda is listening and wants to send a photo of this couch just to be like, please look at this couch, like, I am so ready to be there for her and that specific argument.
S1: Oh, yeah. And, you know, like we agree on everything 90 percent of the time. This is out of character for her. Will AVL, you haven’t known her that long. You know what I mean? Like, if you’ve only known someone. Eleven months, you know, you’re still getting to know their character, and so the fact that you seem to think of this is like I’m taking in a street urchin and she’s like, my boyfriend wants me to live with him, but to keep my mouth shut about how the house looks. And that frustrates me like. I get where she’s coming from on that, and you need to you need to figure out if she’s actually into this Daddy Warbucks Little Orphan Annie scenario where she just slides around the banisters and is so grateful and it’s just like, oh, my gosh, your house is so big. You’re amazing. You must have a helicopter. And. And she’s thinking of it as like. I don’t know, once another musical where some people move in together, the Odd Couple, and you’re Felix and she wants to tidy.
S6: Yeah, I just want to watch a a Neil Simon film, I think, I mean, Barefoot in the Park feels like a great, great film for this situation. [At which point they segue into discussing movies for awhile.]
The subject here is tainted sofa, my favorite subject
My Dear Prudence. I broke up with my ex a year ago after a seven year relationship. My new girlfriend, Amanda, wants to move into my condo since her new workplace is close to me and her roommate left a month ago. She’s balking because my ex chose the majority of my furniture and feels it will, quote, taint our future. I have offered to get the place repainted and get new pictures, but I am not getting rid of my furniture. Most of it is high end and expensive. Amanda’s stuff is either from IKEA or college leftovers. Amanda has also been panicked over her finances since her roommate left. She has a lot of loans. I don’t understand why she is stuck on this point when I am ready and able to give her free room and board. I love her and we agree on everything 90 percent of the time. This is out of character for her. What do I do?
S3: I want to see a picture of the sofa before I decide honestly, like, I mean, you got to have a sofa. Exorcism is all you got to do. That’s what it is under the sofa. Yeah. I’m just like, what if it’s ugly? Like, what if I’m helping someone defend ugly furniture?
S1: Like, OK, fine, her stuff is college leftovers or IKEA, but like not IKEA still leaves a lot of opportunities for ugly furniture. So please send in a picture so I can decide how hard to fight for your furniture before I give you an answer.
S3: Good point. Good point. We can’t know without seeing it.
S1: Yeah, do you have a sense are you familiar with. The number of people who move in with a partner because like their roommate left or like, oh, you’re closer to work, and whether or not that seems to produce different outcomes than people who move in together, because it’s like we’ve talked about it for a long time, we really want to live together. We think it’s going to be great for us. We’re moving in together because we want to live together.
S6: I mean. The latter is always better than the former, I certainly know people who have succeeded with the former, I certainly know people who moved in because it was just going to be more convenient to combine rent or something. But usually they have some sense of the ladder here. It just kind of sounds like, you know, our letter writer got out of a long term relationship, ended up in another relationship. And it’s just, you know, they’re just kind of coasting through the motions of what a relationship should look like. And, you know, the fact that Amanda is this worked up about the furniture, which, again, maybe it’s terrible furniture. So we should we should grant her that possibility. You know, that that feels to me like a sign of, oh, maybe she hasn’t thought this through as much as she maybe could have.
S1: Yeah. Or like, you know, that’s not to say that, like, anybody who moves in with a partner for some. Sense of convenience or some sense of like financial constraints being lifted like that, nothing that’s not like, oh, no, you’re doomed to failure. I don’t want to knock that down too much. But I do think if it’s just like, you know, you broke up with your ex a year ago after a seven year relationship, which means like at the maximum, you’ve been dating Amanda for 11 months, which is, you know, it’s fast to move in after 11 months. You’re you know, you’re allowed to it’s not illegal, but it’s fast. And the way that, like, it’s framed of like, well, Amanda wants to move into my condo because her work is nearby and her roommate left. So it’s already a little bit of like, well, she’s in kind of a bind, so she might move in with me. But there’s nothing about like I really love spending time with her. And the idea of, like, building a domestic routine together thrills me. And then I don’t get why she’s stuck on this when I’m ready to give her free room and board. And it’s just like, oh, so you’re like a generous landlord in a medieval video game. And she’s like a windswept traveler who has like one heavy coin, you know. Yeah. Like it’s very like I’m being very generous. Amanda, I don’t understand why you’re making such a snit about this. Just feels like I don’t know that you two should move in together. And that doesn’t mean you should break up or never move in together. It just seems like you’re thinking of this as like she’s in a bind and I’m being generous. And she thinks of this as like I’m in a bind and I want to start making a home together. And I just I yeah, I guess that’s what my my problem is. I feel like when people talk about moving in together, but they seem to have no interest in building a home together, it’s very much just like you’re the roommate I’m going to have sex with the most. Yeah. That often to me spells trouble.
The Primary Market
SPONSORED BY THE PRIMARY MARKET
[Photos] 22 Unexpected Wedding Dresses of All Times
SEE MORE
S6: I mean, not to not to make it about me, but my wife and I, when we got together, had a very perent parent child relationship because we were so young. And like there is that element of any time you’re opening a space up to like be the primary caregiver and the other person is going to be like, oh, I don’t you know, is is going to be in a space where they’re always being taken care of. You have to be very clear about like having those conversations about which lines are drawn, where, again, that can work, that can be a relationship that works. But I know from personal experience how hard it is to navigate and how hard it is to make it nontoxic when it starts out in that toxic place.
S1: Yeah, I think that’s a really good way to ground this conversation. I think the thing that needs to happen now is that this letter writer needs to say, here’s how I’ve been envisioning our moving in together. It’s primarily to do with the fact that you’re in a bind and it’s my place and you will be living with me. Does that line up with what you’ve been expecting and then listen to what she has to say and if what she has to say is like no, I mean, obviously, like the shorter commute and the better rent would be great. But like, I envision this as our place and I’ll be on the lease with you and we will make joint decisions together and we will make decorating decisions together. And if that’s what she wants and it’s not what you want, do not move in together. She should find another roommate, just keep dating. And then you have bigger conversations about when or if you might want to live together someday down the road. And if so, what’s some furniture you both like. Like? You know, it’s it’s fine to have different interior decorating tastes and it’s fine to either decide to compromise or just to have separate places. But, you know, you don’t have to move in with someone at 11 months just because you live closer to their work. So if you two don’t want the same thing, don’t move in together.
S6: And if Amanda is listening and wants to send a photo of this couch just to be like, please look at this couch, like, I am so ready to be there for her and that specific argument.
S1: Oh, yeah. And, you know, like we agree on everything 90 percent of the time. This is out of character for her. Will AVL, you haven’t known her that long. You know what I mean? Like, if you’ve only known someone. Eleven months, you know, you’re still getting to know their character, and so the fact that you seem to think of this is like I’m taking in a street urchin and she’s like, my boyfriend wants me to live with him, but to keep my mouth shut about how the house looks. And that frustrates me like. I get where she’s coming from on that, and you need to you need to figure out if she’s actually into this Daddy Warbucks Little Orphan Annie scenario where she just slides around the banisters and is so grateful and it’s just like, oh, my gosh, your house is so big. You’re amazing. You must have a helicopter. And. And she’s thinking of it as like. I don’t know, once another musical where some people move in together, the Odd Couple, and you’re Felix and she wants to tidy.
S6: Yeah, I just want to watch a a Neil Simon film, I think, I mean, Barefoot in the Park feels like a great, great film for this situation. [At which point they segue into discussing movies for awhile.]
no subject
but... I don't actually think the LW is wrong here? I don't see evidence that he has the attitude that she will be "a roommate who [he] has sex with the most", just because he doesn't want to throw away perfectly good high end furniture? Ikea furniture isn't bad but i can understand wanting to keep nicer furniture instead. But then I think the idea that the furniture is "tainted" from a previous relationship is utterly childish. To the girlfriend I would say, "sit on the furniture and fart on it. Now it's yours!"
In the words of The Fonz
Seriously, I wonder if $NEW_GIRLFRIEND sees herself as in competition with $OLD_GIRLFRIEND, and one of the bases for competition is earning power, and one of the reminders of the difference in earning power is the fact that $OLD_GIRLFRIEND could afford nicer stuff. It also sounds like being surrounded by nicer stuff than she could afford herself might be an unwanted reminder of the crappy financial situation she's in, with loads of debt, who maybe feels a bit like she's being a freeloader.
Re: In the words of The Fonz
I do think he's a little snide about the quality of her possessions (I'd want there to be some room for my things, as the moving-in partner), but the attitude that his current furniture is "tainted" is utterly ridiculous.
Re: In the words of The Fonz
Re: In the words of The Fonz
I'm just grasping at straws trying to work out what might be the real reason, here.
no subject
I admit that, as a cheapskate, I cannot imagine getting rid of furniture in this situation. I suppose I would be open to selling it in the future if me and the partner were moving into a place together (or heck, if there wasn't a global pandemic making it kiiiiinda hard to offload secondhand furniture). But generally people moving in do want to bring at least some of their own stuff.
Whether they move in together or not, I think the economic disparity between them needs to be talked about directly because it's probably going to be an issue for years to come. What are the expectations here, if LW is supporting the girlfriend financially? I think it can't be a scoreboard of the things LW gives her (room, board, furniture????) without getting very toxic.
no subject
I agree that they should talk about it some more (good practice in being kind to each other while digging up potentially sensitive issues!) and that moving in might not be a great idea, but if they do decide to live together... my advice to LW would be to offer Amanda some other way of putting her stamp on the shared space. Ditching expensive furniture is excessive, but there are a lot of other ways to change the look and feel of a space so it feels like SHARED space. New artwork? (LW said they were willing to do that - it's a good place to start.) Blankets in pretty colors/patterns on some of the furniture? Ask her what her favorite things about her old place were, and work together on creating comfortable space that feels like it's hers.
If she's "stuck on this point," something important to her has gotten tangled up in it - it's not just a practical matter of furniture. Don't be dismissive or contemptuous, that's a relationship-killer. Be interested in her perspective and her reasoning, not so rigid in your own POV that you just stop at "I don't understand why she's so unreasonable!" That doesn't mean you have to get rid of the furniture; you get to have your priorities, too! But you don't have to make her be Wrong and yourself Right to defend your boundaries.
This is a very useful trial run for your relationship. Can you talk to each other about disagreements? Can you honor each other's priorities and come to mutually satisfactory solutions? (Can you drop the idea that it's "out of character" for her to disagree with you and attach emotional charge to things you don't think are important? How much of her character do you actually know, so early on? Why are you claiming to be an authority on her character anyway?)
no subject
no subject
I want to forward your advice to the caller. It's 1000% more useful than Prudie's.
Re: In the words of The Fonz
no subject
no subject
When he remarried, his second wife wouldn't let him bring it into their shared house.
He was REALLY mad that I wouldn't take any of it back!
I think the whole thing is super funny now, especially because I've gotten things I like a lot better.
no subject
I am entirely bemused by this. When partner and I moved in together they had the good furniture, and I had the futon on the floor and the cheaper than IKEA bookshelves (and 90% of the books). We just shuffled things around and pruned down to one household worth of furniture. Both of us joke about some of the things we have being older than the relationship (I have things that were ex-partner's before we met, and partner has things that were their ex-partner's before they met).
What it smacks of to me is wealthy privilege -- 'Amanda' thinking that furniture isn't something that you keep until it falls apart.
no subject
does it require a vacuum cleaner? bicarb soda? naked flame?
no subject