![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
LW wants everyone to stop being mad because their wife pulled a Karen
Q. My wife was in a “Karen” video: My wife was in a very stressful situation about a month ago when she was at a park in our hometown. After trying to balance a full-time job while caring for our three children for four months, she honestly just kind of lost it. She snapped. My wife is now the subject of a “Karen” video that made the rounds last month in our town (luckily it didn’t spread beyond that). She was, and still is, horrified by her behavior. She is seeking counseling for both the “snap” and the underlying thoughts and attitudes that came out in the video.
In the meantime, how do we get back our normal life? Many folks around town are understandably freezing us out, and some of my kids’ friends’ parents are refusing play dates. This is only adding to the loneliness and isolation our family had already been feeling because of the pandemic. I hate to see my kids suffering because of my wife’s unconscionable actions. Short of moving to a new town, what can we do to rebuild the relationships that used to keep us grounded in this awful time?
A: Presumably your “normal” life was the one where your wife was trying to balance a full-time job while caring for your three children, a situation that so overwhelmed her that she “snapped,” so I don’t think you should be too eager to return to it. (One obvious change there might be for you to take on the greater portion of child care for the foreseeable future.) More than that, your “normal” life was also one where your wife apparently harbored certain vague thoughts and attitudes that horrify her—that’s nothing to want to hurry back to. (Do they horrify you?) What have you two communicated to your kids about this, beyond simply “Something happened, it’s horrifying, but we can’t go into detail”?
I would love to know more about the specific “underlying thoughts and attitudes” that came out in the video, because that would help me offer meaningful, context-driven advice. What in particular is she sorry for? What does she now think she could have done differently at the time? How much damage did she cause others? Was she merely rude, or did she threaten someone else’s health and safety? What has she done to try to make amends beyond seeing a therapist? Presumably whatever she did in that park was not related to her stressful full-time job; presumably you referenced “Karen” without going into even the barest of details because she said or did something racist, but you didn’t want to say what it was. Why was your wife’s response to stress to do or say something racist? Is this something she’s discussed with her therapist? Has she apologized to any of your friends or neighbors, and if not, why? What do they want from her, and from you, before they can answer the question of whether they’re ready to rebuild? You cannot demand that your friends rebuild relationships, and you cannot use your kids’ loneliness to pressure others into forgiving their parents. But you can ask the people you know and love, sincerely and nondefensively, what you can do to start to rebuild trust together. Sometimes that might mean giving others time and space, or the freedom to say, “I can’t accept this apology,” but you have to be willing to respect that. Otherwise it’s not an apology at all, but a demand to forget whatever happened.
In the meantime, how do we get back our normal life? Many folks around town are understandably freezing us out, and some of my kids’ friends’ parents are refusing play dates. This is only adding to the loneliness and isolation our family had already been feeling because of the pandemic. I hate to see my kids suffering because of my wife’s unconscionable actions. Short of moving to a new town, what can we do to rebuild the relationships that used to keep us grounded in this awful time?
A: Presumably your “normal” life was the one where your wife was trying to balance a full-time job while caring for your three children, a situation that so overwhelmed her that she “snapped,” so I don’t think you should be too eager to return to it. (One obvious change there might be for you to take on the greater portion of child care for the foreseeable future.) More than that, your “normal” life was also one where your wife apparently harbored certain vague thoughts and attitudes that horrify her—that’s nothing to want to hurry back to. (Do they horrify you?) What have you two communicated to your kids about this, beyond simply “Something happened, it’s horrifying, but we can’t go into detail”?
I would love to know more about the specific “underlying thoughts and attitudes” that came out in the video, because that would help me offer meaningful, context-driven advice. What in particular is she sorry for? What does she now think she could have done differently at the time? How much damage did she cause others? Was she merely rude, or did she threaten someone else’s health and safety? What has she done to try to make amends beyond seeing a therapist? Presumably whatever she did in that park was not related to her stressful full-time job; presumably you referenced “Karen” without going into even the barest of details because she said or did something racist, but you didn’t want to say what it was. Why was your wife’s response to stress to do or say something racist? Is this something she’s discussed with her therapist? Has she apologized to any of your friends or neighbors, and if not, why? What do they want from her, and from you, before they can answer the question of whether they’re ready to rebuild? You cannot demand that your friends rebuild relationships, and you cannot use your kids’ loneliness to pressure others into forgiving their parents. But you can ask the people you know and love, sincerely and nondefensively, what you can do to start to rebuild trust together. Sometimes that might mean giving others time and space, or the freedom to say, “I can’t accept this apology,” but you have to be willing to respect that. Otherwise it’s not an apology at all, but a demand to forget whatever happened.
no subject
Let me rephrase your letter for you:
"Hi, my wife threw a racist / homophobic / transphobic/ mixture of the above tantrum and everyone is shunning us as assholes which is so unfair because she only did it because TEH STRESS and how do we convince everyone in our town to center HER needs in this narrative rather than their own" ?
no subject
no subject
I find when people "snap" and have some sort of tantrum like that, it's them expressing views that they've privately held all along as opposed to stress suddenly making them temporarily racist / homophobic / transphobic / some combination of the above. LW's wife was a Karen before the Karen video, and counseling doesn't necessarily help people un-Karen themselves as it's more designed to deal with behavior / coping and less about changing problematic internal views. I know plenty of racist, homophobic, transphobic assholes *~in therapy~*.
no subject
* for example: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5244045/
no subject
no subject
Romanes eunt domus
Re: Romanes eunt domus
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
PS moving won't fix it, as what's on the Internet tends to stay on the Internet and your new neighbors will eventually see it (or your old neighbors will find a way to make your new neighbors see it). The way to fix this is not moving, but maybe your wife making some sort of public apology video with perhaps public proof of donating to a cause of one or more of the groups she disparaged, as well as demonstrating in day-to-day life proof of changed behavior (as in real change, not just for show). Even then you have to accept that not everyone will forgive her.
no subject
no subject
no subject
I'm not sure I agree with comments saying LW is defending his wife. He calls her behavior "unconscionable" and recognizes her need to address "underlying thoughts and attitudes." His question is how they move on, and Danny rightly answers that it won't be fast. It will take a lot of work to rebuild trust and repair relationships hurt by LW's wife's display of bigotry. I agree with LW that it's unfortunate their kids are suffering as a result of their mother's behavior, but I don't see how that could be avoided.
no subject
no subject