agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter wore braces for nearly two years, and it cost me a pretty penny. She was supposed to wear her retainer every night afterward, which she assured me she would do. We are now at two years later, and she says her retainer doesn’t fit anymore -- presumably because some molars have come in. When we went to the orthodontist, I was assured that the reason the retainer doesn’t fit is because my daughter stopped wearing it and her teeth shifted. I am so mad. To have another retainer made will cost $1,000. I think my daughter should be penalized for this irresponsible behavior. Am I overreacting? -- Ill Fit

DEAR ILL FIT: We all need to discover that there are consequences to our actions. Your daughter made an expensive mistake. To penalize her might help to reinforce the importance of following up on agreements that you make. As much as I would like to say that you should forgo the retainer, I do know that if your daughter doesn’t get a new one, the chances are great that her teeth will begin to shift back to their original state, and all of your investment will be for naught.

What kind of punishment might work? Figure out something your daughter can do around the house or for others that would be worth $1,000 over time. It could be a community service project. It could be additional weekly chores at a particular rate that she works off over time. Whatever you choose should be measurable so that it's clear when she has completed her tasks. Of course, one part of this should be actually wearing the retainer every night, or she loses some of the money she’s accrued.

https://www.uexpress.com/sense-and-sensitivity/2020/9/8/1/reader-creeped-out-by-social-media

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1. There is so much more to parenting than simply punishing your child every time they annoy you.

2. You cannot expect what you do not inspect. It was not Daughter's responsibility, as a child, to be a perfectly obedient angel and wear her retainer every night. It was LW's responsibility, as the parent and the adult, to check in with Daughter periodically and make sure the retainer was being worn or, if it wasn't, to discuss the matter openly, work out what the issue was, and try to resolve it.

3. In the past two years, did LW seriously not do any follow-ups with the orthodontist? This is on them.

All of this,. plus
4) treat the kid like a Human Being and inquire as to why she didn't wear her retainer. Did it hurt? Did it rub a raw spot in her mouth? She has reasons; the least you could do is care to find them out!

I sort of folded your point 4 into my point 2, though it doesn't hurt to say it again and louder.

True. It popped out to me because I was this kid (I 'lost' my retainer three times because it kept rubbing a raw spot in my mouth, and my parents were.... unsympathetic).

I paid $1500 of my own money, as an adult, for a custom night guard (teeth grinding/sleep apnea), and they were never able to get it comfortable enough to be wearable — it was agonizing.

(I have trigeminal neuralgia — facial nerve damage — and that thing set it off like crazy.)

No chance of getting the money back, either :/

owwwwww I am so sorry!

The chances are pretty good that LW's kid stopped wearing the retainer because that shit is uncomfortable as fuck to sleep in at night. The chances are also pretty good that LW valuing physical appearance over personal comfort and getting this assmad about "muh thousand dollars" (oh poor fucking you, Karen, I don't even make a thousand dollars a month on disability, never mind a thousand dollars to spend on fixing my teeth) means LW's kid is probably going to have hangups and issues about their appearance because of LW's attitudes. (I don't like to assume things but I've seen it before.)

Mmm. To be fair, we probably spent well over that on Angel's orthodontia alone because their teeth were really that bad - insurance covered a lot, but not enough. It wasn't just cosmetic. My bottom teeth were never fixed after my father died, and it causes me endless trouble when it comes to keeping them clean and cared for.

The more it costs, the more you can assume that it was super super awful.

OK, that's fair. It might not be entirely cosmetic (and I know that besides orthodontic issues being a pain to deal with, if teeth are funky-looking enough that can cause potential employers to pass one over). I still think though that it's ridiculous for LW to act like it's 100% the daughter's fault.

Oh, agreed. It's only about 5 - 10% Daughter's fault, if that. Daughter is an adolescent. It's not the most responsible or future-oriented time. Which LW ought to know, because LW is an adult and all adults were adolescents once.

It can be even worse than struggles keeping them clean for some orthodontic conditions. The palate expansion that cost us $2500 this past year will almost certainly save our older kid a lifetime of severe headache -- they inherited their father's palate, which intrudes into the sinuses and was never treated in my husband and causes pain constantly. To fix it in a child takes about 4 months and some minor pain; to fix it in an adult requires surgery and a much longer recovery.

Wow, what a bitch. I note she doesn’t say the daughter’s age, and $1K is a HUGE amount of labor/etc for someone under 18.

Also, it’s in the dentist’s interest to sell a new retainer, so I wouldn’t trust that the daughter *telling* the parent that the retainer doesn’t fit 2 years later is because of noncompliance on her part, especially since new teeth have come in!

Yes, many of the commenters pointed out that they should get a second opinion on the retainer issue.

(And you're right, even if I agreed that Daughter should be asked to pay some of this back, there's no way I'd ask for the full cost. That's not reasonable for somebody who cannot work full-time.)

Also, we don't know how long ago the daughter stopped wearing the retainer It's quite possible that her noncompliance only exacerbated a fit issue that was going to require a new retainer anyway--if she's an older teen, her wisdom teeth will be coming in, and that could cause all kinds of problems.

(Or, heck, even if she's a younger teen--I had my wisdom teeth out when I was 15 because they were already starting to cause crowding.)

The letter actually says molars came in, which I know for a fact will crowd your teeth right back up again. (I say 40 years later, finally doing Invisalign.) I think either the ortho skimmed over it or LW isn’t listening to that as a factor.

I had braces for four years (long and miserable years, there was a lot of work needing done, maybe 2% was cosmetically oriented).

For as quickly as my teeth shifted, as soon as the braces were off, they locked into place. It took my orthodontist two weeks to get me my retainer and then it didn't fit at all because my teeth had done that tiny shift and then locked. I was so mad at him. (Teeth are still in appropriate places, just less perfect than the orthodontist wanted. I think they look fine.)

Retainer may not fit LW's child anymore. Especially if new teeth have come in.

Get over yourself, parent.

Did your daughter, at any point, express a desire for expensive dental work? Is the shift in her teeth causing any problems to her? Did she freely agree to wear a retainer every night for however long?

I can tell you that as a preteen I "lost" my retainer immediately after the appointment where the orthodontist told me that rather than the 6 months I'd been told when I got the braces, I would have to wear it forever. I had not signed on for that.

Unless there's an urgent compelling medical reason, it seems like a suitable punishment for not wearing her retainer is not getting a new retainer. If she later changes her mind, she can pay for new work herself when she's old enough - there's less and less evidence that there's any benefit to cosmetic dental work happening young.

But, especially if she does actually want to continue the process, it's definitely worth asking for a second opinion as to why the fit changed.

Edited 2020-09-09 20:36 (UTC)

1: did you consult your daughter before you harnessed them in for years of pain in dental work? My bestie is a fully qualified dentist, daughter of a practice owning dentist and has never had braces because she didn't want them.

2: Was it explained how important her retainers were. (I've not worn mine for a couple of years because my dog legit ate them, and I'm scared of dentists. Only bestie coming back to town and being in practice is making me go back, and mine have not shifted too much. One has and bestie is going to slap a new retainer on it and scowl at me but)

3: They are NOT YOUR TEETH.

4: If you didn't take her to the dentist or orthodontist for two years that is on YOU if she is still living with you. If not, give up the money your child is not a doll and if her teeth move back that is her business not yours.

5: Do you and Harriette know how much retainers hurt?! Even with all the will in the world sometimes you need a day off. Or you can wear them so much and it hurts and then you need to take them off.

Stop being a damn tooth fascist.

This letter reminds me of the constant ache in my face from the night-brace I wore for years and years. I'm glad I have straight, non-overlapping teeth; I've never had a cavity or other dental issue. But it hurt so much.

LW, please be sympathetic to your daughter. And understand that part of parenting is paying for things your children need, without holding it over their heads.

I had braces as a teenager and even wore my retainer for at least a year, uncomfortable and gross as it was. This afternoon I'm getting fitted for adult braces (Invisalign) because my teeth shifted anyway, and that shift has caused a bite misalignment that is creating other problems.

Dental issues are a part of life. You deal with them. You don't punish your child over them.

Aside: I'm trying to figure out how I will drink my morning coffee with Invisalign, since normally I sip it slowly over 2-3 hours. This worries me more than anything right now.

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