Dear Abby: Baby Shower for the Father

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: One of my male friends is having a child with a woman he is not married to and isn't dating. I want to throw a baby shower/party for him, and he seems excited about it. I will invite the mother of his future child, but I don't really know her. The party is more for my friend.

Our circle of friends thinks it's strange to throw a baby shower for a male. Am I breaking some rule of etiquette here? -- BROOKE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR BROOKE: Is the mother of the child a surrogate and is he planning to be a father to the child, or was she impregnated during a one-night stand? Baby showers are supposed to be for the BABY, and the mother-to-be is usually the star of the show, not an add-on. If your friend's participation ended at conception, he is not entitled to a shower.

Comments

[recessional]

There are so many assumptions in Abby's answer that I don't even know how to start deconstructing it.

But (with the small and implied assumption that your friend is going to actually parent the child) Brooke, please have a lot of fun at your baby-shower for your friend, and here is a gold star for not being totally owned by bullshit gender baggage.

[cereta]

Dear Abby:

What the ever-loving FUCK? Is there nothing between, "Father will be the sole parent" and "Father is a deadbeat who abandoned the mother" for you? And so what if it was a one-night stand? If Brooke is intending to invite the mother, then her friend and the mother are probably at least on speaking terms, and might have an actual plan by which they will raise this child together. If they are planning that, then dad will need almost everything the mother needs, so why can't he have a shower?

Also, as someone who has carried and given birth to a child, the mother does not have to be the star. My spouse was thrown a shower at his workplace, and we were thrown a small one by members of a professional group he belonged to. Why would I begrudge him that attention when I was already getting so much?

In conclusion: WTF?

[recessional]

Seriously, like: if he's going to be co-parenting this baby but they're not involved (and thus living at the same house) he has all the need for all the same stuff that baby showers are supposed to be about giving the baby's mom! (And if for some reason they ARE sharing a dwelling, it's not like more stuff is BAD, as I'm SURE her end of this are giving her at least one or two).

And Abby's assumptions are so WEIRD - like mine was "oh thank goodness even though they're not together he's going to acknowledge and co-parent his child, good guy, have a thumbs-up sticker." Like, that pleases me ESPECIALLY if it was a one-night stand, because I've literaly watched so many guys totally walk away from that.

Seriously I'm mostly left with, go Brooke-in-Washington for supporting her friend. and wtf, Abby.

[torachan]

idk, Abby's response is kind of weird, but the way the letter writer framed it, it doesn't make it sound like he's going to be the primary caregiver. Throwing a party is one thing, but showers (whether baby or wedding) have such cultural baggage of being expected to contribute financially in the form of gifts that if I were invited to something like this, I would be side-eyeing it.

[cereta]

He may not be the primary care-giver, but even if he's only watching the kid once a week, he'll still need Stuff. Babies require a fair bit of Stuff, and ferrying both the baby and the Stuff doesn't really work out well. There's nothing actually in the letter to indicate that he won't be involved; I think the bit about not living with and not dating were given as reasons why the showers given to the mother aren't providing him with Stuff. I dunno. Maybe I'm naive, but if I got an invite like this, I'd be all, "Whee, cake! Also, I babysit!"

[torachan]

Yeah, it's really something where I'd need to know the situation. Without any other information it seems off-putting.

[cereta]

Why is it off-putting? I mean, I'm asking this seriously. Are you similarly put off by wedding showers, or invitations to weddings? If not, what is it about this situation that puts you off? Is it baby showers in general, or just this one?

Like I said, maybe I'm being naive, but I don't see why a grown man would get excited about a baby shower unless he was planning to parent. Trust me: baby stuff is really not all that fun without the baby. It's not like you're getting Lincoln Logs or video games. You're getting onesies and blankets and okay, the transpo systems are some sweet tech, but it's still not much use without a baby. So the idea that something hinky is going on strikes me as, well, hinky. I just don't get the suspicion.

[torachan]

Yes, I am generally not a fan of wedding/bridal/baby showers for the most part, so there is that. I'd be equally put off if a person who made a lot of money sent me an invitation to a baby shower. It's just like, if you're poor and really need this stuff, okay, friends and family can chip in. But it's become more of an expected thing, not tied to income level, where you should just get presents for getting married or having a baby, even if you have tons of money. So it's the same kind of feeling with someone who is not the primary parent. It's not like I think this guy is scamming or something, but just the whole set up of why would you need this stuff, why should I support you? idk. So like I said, it needs a lot more information.

[recessional]

You seem to be coming from this from a background that assumes a LOT higher financial contribution here than I would be: yes, mothers/fathers/etc often give big presents at showers, but a sleeper can cost seven bucks from Superstore, is a cute recognition of a big event in someone's life, and whoever's throwing the shower will almost certainly have spent like fifty times more (even if that's counted out in time) than my sleeper-present.

Like. Do you hate birthday presents, too?

[torachan]

Birthday presents are reciprocal, so it's not really a comparable situation.

If they are spending fifty times more to throw a party, then maybe they need to rethink their financial choices.

[recessional]

I don’t think bday presents are any more reciprocal than showers: I have given birthday presents to people who haven’t given them back, and also received them from people that I didn’t gift. They’re also definitely not necessarily equal in value: what I can afford to give others as gifts vs what they can afford to/choose to give me are sometimes hugely disparate. Conversely, throwing showers in a group of friends can absolutely be reciprocal as other people arrive at the same life landmarks.

I would also then wonder about, variously: graduation presents; going away presents; “because I thought you’d like it” presents; etc.

50 x 7$ is 350: between drinks, food, and time spent cooking, cleaning, cleaning up after, and hostessing, that’s pretty easy to get to. I was also being vague and hyperbolic: my point is that you seem to view this entirely as a financial exchange and also as a major imposition, which is . . . odd to me. Even a pro-forma gift for a shower - which is also a party, one where you spend time with (presumably) your friends - is hardly guaranteed to be a huge financial burden, and is probably less than the six pack of beer I’d consider polite to take to a party at someone’s house they were throwing Just Because.

So I guess I’m kind of bemused, and wondering what it is particularly that makes for dubiousness or hostility over these particular gift-giving reasons: is there an assumption/pressure to give high ticket items? (obvs you don’t have to answer, I’m just curious.)

[cereta]

I guess I'm operating on the assumption that people who are invited to the shower would be his friends, and as such would want to help out/give him a small gift. I would, yes, be put off if someone who makes twice my income registered for an expensive crib and expected me to buy it, but...I'll admit, I'm having some trouble wrapping my head around "why should I support you?" If you don't want to, you can just not go - etiquette does not require that you give a gift if you don't attend. But, well, as someone who was given a very large gift (fandom basically decorated our nursery) made up of small contributions, I can't begrudge, and plus, I enjoy giving gifts.

[madripoor_rose]

Yeah, there's Not Enough Info in this one, but I'm on Abby's side with what's here.

There's no mention of planning to co parent, in fact it implies the guy's excited about having a party, not a baby, and the fact that it's written as baby shower/party and the mother's invited as an afterthought, sounds more like an excuse for a party.

Like, from this letter I am about 75% sure this is going to be booze, music and maybe a handful of baby-theme gag gifts, not the traditional 'ohshit babies are expensive here's some stuff to set you up' shower.

[recessional]

It's kind of fascinating the assumptions the wording of the letter prompts, and how different they are. (From my background and present social and familial circles, if he wasn't going to coparent, it wouldn't even be a Thing: it would never occur to anyone to celebrate it, and if a celebration was offered the father would feel awkward as fuck and probably defensive, even feeling like his friend is trying to shame him into parenting.)

[madripoor_rose]

Nods. (honestly, in my background/family/social circles, a baby shower is for The Mother only and men being involved at all is Not The Done Thing.) But personally I'd have no problem with a single father who planned to be an involved parent getting a shower.

It's just...that's not at all how this letter as published read to me.

[recessional]

Which makes sense! I'm genuinely just kind of fascinated by the huge disparity in reaction to the same words, entirely based on nuance (because really the literal words don't say either way).

Communication: so complicated.

[madripoor_rose]

Cultures and microcultures clash in fascinating ways, nod nod.

[cereta]

Yeah, like recessional said, it's interesting, because I didn't get that idea at ALL.

[madripoor_rose]

Yep. As in everything, your milage may vary, ;) To me, that letter writer read as, um, very young? and that it's more Woo You Stud! and not Welcoming A New Family Member.

[amadi]

I'm generally not thrilled with baby showers, because they reinforce the weird and gross consumerist idea that babies require a ton of stuff, most of which they can live and thrive without, quite happily. That turns into the idea that we demonstrate love and care by giving some of that often superfluous stuff, and people thinking that owning the right stuff or adequate amount of often superfluous stuff is a hallmark of the quality of their parenting. Then there's a situation like this, where a decision to jointly parent in separate spaces means duplicate superfluous stuff must be acquired and the community around the parents is expected to pony up.

That said, Abby's answer was weird, and presumptive, but the letter was phrased strangely and left too many blank spaces where presumptions could be made.