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Dear Abby: Baby Shower for the Father
DEAR ABBY: One of my male friends is having a child with a woman he is not married to and isn't dating. I want to throw a baby shower/party for him, and he seems excited about it. I will invite the mother of his future child, but I don't really know her. The party is more for my friend.
Our circle of friends thinks it's strange to throw a baby shower for a male. Am I breaking some rule of etiquette here? -- BROOKE IN WASHINGTON
DEAR BROOKE: Is the mother of the child a surrogate and is he planning to be a father to the child, or was she impregnated during a one-night stand? Baby showers are supposed to be for the BABY, and the mother-to-be is usually the star of the show, not an add-on. If your friend's participation ended at conception, he is not entitled to a shower.
Our circle of friends thinks it's strange to throw a baby shower for a male. Am I breaking some rule of etiquette here? -- BROOKE IN WASHINGTON
DEAR BROOKE: Is the mother of the child a surrogate and is he planning to be a father to the child, or was she impregnated during a one-night stand? Baby showers are supposed to be for the BABY, and the mother-to-be is usually the star of the show, not an add-on. If your friend's participation ended at conception, he is not entitled to a shower.
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But (with the small and implied assumption that your friend is going to actually parent the child) Brooke, please have a lot of fun at your baby-shower for your friend, and here is a gold star for not being totally owned by bullshit gender baggage.
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What the ever-loving FUCK? Is there nothing between, "Father will be the sole parent" and "Father is a deadbeat who abandoned the mother" for you? And so what if it was a one-night stand? If Brooke is intending to invite the mother, then her friend and the mother are probably at least on speaking terms, and might have an actual plan by which they will raise this child together. If they are planning that, then dad will need almost everything the mother needs, so why can't he have a shower?
Also, as someone who has carried and given birth to a child, the mother does not have to be the star. My spouse was thrown a shower at his workplace, and we were thrown a small one by members of a professional group he belonged to. Why would I begrudge him that attention when I was already getting so much?
In conclusion: WTF?
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And Abby's assumptions are so WEIRD - like mine was "oh thank goodness even though they're not together he's going to acknowledge and co-parent his child, good guy, have a thumbs-up sticker." Like, that pleases me ESPECIALLY if it was a one-night stand, because I've literaly watched so many guys totally walk away from that.
Seriously I'm mostly left with, go Brooke-in-Washington for supporting her friend. and wtf, Abby.
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Like I said, maybe I'm being naive, but I don't see why a grown man would get excited about a baby shower unless he was planning to parent. Trust me: baby stuff is really not all that fun without the baby. It's not like you're getting Lincoln Logs or video games. You're getting onesies and blankets and okay, the transpo systems are some sweet tech, but it's still not much use without a baby. So the idea that something hinky is going on strikes me as, well, hinky. I just don't get the suspicion.
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Like. Do you hate birthday presents, too?
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If they are spending fifty times more to throw a party, then maybe they need to rethink their financial choices.
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I don’t think bday presents are any more reciprocal than showers: I have given birthday presents to people who haven’t given them back, and also received them from people that I didn’t gift. They’re also definitely not necessarily equal in value: what I can afford to give others as gifts vs what they can afford to/choose to give me are sometimes hugely disparate. Conversely, throwing showers in a group of friends can absolutely be reciprocal as other people arrive at the same life landmarks.
I would also then wonder about, variously: graduation presents; going away presents; “because I thought you’d like it” presents; etc.
50 x 7$ is 350: between drinks, food, and time spent cooking, cleaning, cleaning up after, and hostessing, that’s pretty easy to get to. I was also being vague and hyperbolic: my point is that you seem to view this entirely as a financial exchange and also as a major imposition, which is . . . odd to me. Even a pro-forma gift for a shower - which is also a party, one where you spend time with (presumably) your friends - is hardly guaranteed to be a huge financial burden, and is probably less than the six pack of beer I’d consider polite to take to a party at someone’s house they were throwing Just Because.
So I guess I’m kind of bemused, and wondering what it is particularly that makes for dubiousness or hostility over these particular gift-giving reasons: is there an assumption/pressure to give high ticket items? (obvs you don’t have to answer, I’m just curious.)
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There's no mention of planning to co parent, in fact it implies the guy's excited about having a party, not a baby, and the fact that it's written as baby shower/party and the mother's invited as an afterthought, sounds more like an excuse for a party.
Like, from this letter I am about 75% sure this is going to be booze, music and maybe a handful of baby-theme gag gifts, not the traditional 'ohshit babies are expensive here's some stuff to set you up' shower.
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It's just...that's not at all how this letter as published read to me.
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Communication: so complicated.
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That said, Abby's answer was weird, and presumptive, but the letter was phrased strangely and left too many blank spaces where presumptions could be made.