Dear Abby: my "soulmate's" view of my abortion

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I met a gentleman, and he eventually decided we were "soul mates." I agreed. Over time, we shared our life stories, good and bad. I confided that I'd had an abortion at the age of 18, which has haunted me all my adult life.

Recently he was reciting a chronology of my life. When he got to the abortion, he said, "... and then you became a child murderer." His comment stunned me. He finds nothing wrong with it. Was this total disrespect, or am I overreacting? -- STUNNED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR STUNNED: That "gentleman's" remark was not only disrespectful, but also incredibly insensitive and wrong. It is not against the law to terminate a pregnancy in this country. It is a right that many women -- and men -- fought hard to achieve.

Because each woman's circumstances are unique, this deeply personal decision is made for a variety of reasons. Like yourself, women experience a range of emotions afterward -- including feelings of sadness and anger, but also relief. For this person to have made such an insensitive comment should be a clue that he may not be your soul mate after all.

Because of stigma that, not surprisingly, can cause feelings of shame, many women choose to remain silent about their decision to have an abortion. A resource that could be helpful to them -- and to you -- is Exhale (exhaleprovoice.org), a nonpolitical, nonjudgmental support organization for women who have had an abortion. Please check it out.

Comments

[cereta]

You know, despite the usual arguments in the comments, this isn't really about abortion, IMHO. Couples can disagree on many political, ethical, and moral issues and still sustain a good marriage. However, the core of this problem spells serious trouble.

The is not an abstract debate for the LW. It is something she lived, and still has pain from. And her fiance' does not seem to think that her experience and pain is reason enough even to dial back his rhetoric, let alone to think about how his words must sound to her. The LW knows now that he is prepared to use incredibly harsh language about her. It's one think to know that your partner doesn't agree with you, or even will be on your side in a bad situation. He has his beliefs, fair enough. But you know now that he privileges his ability to speak however he chooses over compassion for someone he says he loves. You have to decide if being called a murderer for the rest of your life is acceptable. You should also consider that this is unlikely to be a one time, one issue thing. If he'll do it once, he'll do it again over another issue entirely. Can you live that way? Only the LW can decide if she can.

[minoanmiss]

The thing is, this is why I think that often partners should generally not be too politically far from each other, at least maybe not in the hothouse of US politicis. When I was a little child being raised in a conservative Christian church, this was exactly how I was taught to respond to someone who had had an abortion. A lot of other political issues are seen in moral terms by at least one side of them, and many political views grow out of personal philosophies, so, so... it would be lovely (and should be the norm, but I sadly doubt it is) for love to inspire compassion, but the reaction I would generally expect would be more like this. Or, in other words, I am horrified by this soi-disant gentleman's reaction, but I'm not surprised.

After all, much of the political is personal.

[cereta]

Oh, I agree, but I think there CAN be disagreement on an issue or two. Spouse and I disagree about the death penalty. But we are able to deal by just not talking much about it. However, given that LW has personal experience, that's just not an option, here. I would, for example, feel very, very differently if he opposed same-sex marriage, or gods forbid, started spouting MRA rhetoric.

[moem]

Is he her fiancé though? I can't find that.

[minoanmiss]

Ow. I wish I could email the LW a hug.

I will not let myself express my opinion of said 'gentleman'.

[recessional]

I would like to give Abby a sticker for this response, honestly: "no he was wrong, this might mean he's not your soulmate, here is a resource that might be able to help you in more depth than a few lines of advice column" is pretty much a good hit for this kind of thing.

As to whether or not LW can live with it: I note that the letter says he decided they were soul mates, and that this comment "stunned" her. So I feel comfortable in saying, run, LW. Run fast, run far.

[cereta]

It was a very good response. And yeah, I generally feel she should DTMFA. I think what I was trying to do is point out that his behavior is inappropriate no matter WHAT the issue/past action was.

[recessional]

Oh yes. Which is what sort of I meant too: there are major alert signs in the fact that HE "decided" they were soul-mates, and she uses the word "stunned" to talk about her reaction to the statement. To me, the first one is a boundary red flag and the second is an indication that it really did hurt her/upset her, which means it will keep doing so if he does it again which (as you point out) he's likely to (whether about this or something else that could be contentious), so . . . run! Run, LW.

[torachan]

Yeah, the whole wording of that first sentence is hinky, even before she gets to the main issue! D:

[vass]

Yes to all of this.

[melissatreglia]

WTF is wrong with that guy?! Seriously!

The poor LW, she made a hard decision that (whether it was right for her or not) didn't give her any peace in the long run. And he throws it in her face by "joking" that she's a "child murderer"?!

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

*snorts* Some soulmate. I agree with everyone who commented who said to DTMFA. This relationship needs to die.