Both Fiancee And Ring Have Disappeared From Man's Life

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: Five months ago, after eight years, my fiancee terminated our relationship. I still have very strong feelings for her, although she ghosted me and won't communicate with me.

We agreed from the outset that should the relationship end, the ring (or value thereof) would be returned to me. I have sent numerous emails and text messages and have received no response. Her explanation for her silence for 22 days -- just before she broke up with me over the phone -- was because I gave her an ultimatum.

She had selected the ring and told me repeatedly how much she loved it. Do you think she's still in love with me and that's why she refuses to return the ring? -- DUMPED WITHOUT RING

DEAR DUMPED: No, I think she is still in love with the ring, which is why she refuses to return it. Because your former fiancee has chosen to keep it rather than abide by the rules of etiquette or your verbal agreement, it's time to consult a lawyer. If you want that ring back (or the value thereof), you may have to take her to court to get it. Be glad you are rid of her, even if it wasn't your idea.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2393558

Comments

[rymenhild]

I wonder what the ultimatum was.

[conuly]

These and other questions will never be answered.

[jamoche]

Upvote.

[conuly]

1. Abby, you're seriously telling this dude to get a lawyer? Why? Seriously, why? Engagement rings don't have much of a resale value. You're better off eating the cost.

2. I'm really hung up on the "verbal agreement" to return the ring if things went south. This isn't like rich people signing a pre-nup, this is some whole other thing. Who does this? It's like you expected you wouldn't get married after all. And boy, you were right! Maybe you should have saved the ring, though.

3. Abby's right on one thing, though - she's not keeping the ring because she's still in love with LW. I'll bet you a dollar that LW's fixated on getting this ring back because he's still totally hung up on her and deep down is using the ring as an excuse to keep trying to contact her.

4. I'm deeply curious about what this "ultimatum" is that caused her to break off contact so thoroughly. I don't know who's at fault here, but LW's behavior is raising some serious concerns. LW doesn't need a lawyer, nor the ring - LW needs a therapist.

5. LW's ex should return the ring to get him to leave her the heck alone, though.

[ex_flameandsong751]

3. Abby's right on one thing, though - she's not keeping the ring because she's still in love with LW. I'll bet you a dollar that LW's fixated on getting this ring back because he's still totally hung up on her and deep down is using the ring as an excuse to keep trying to contact her.

I had that same thought.

[sara]

Yeah, she could give the ring back and he'd find another pretext to contact her, though. Like, the ring is immaterial at this point. It's time for her to change her number and move to another county.

[conuly]

You're right about that.

[minoanmiss]

This story has such a massive hole in it it's a doughnut.

[watersword]

I was thinking it's a black hole of uninformation, but yeah, doughnut works.

[cereta]

Yup.

[ex_flameandsong751]

This sounds like it's not about the ring, but LW wanting to contact his ex, and the "ultimatum" that caused her silence for 22 days sounds like LW might have been an unreasonable dickwad.

If I was the one with the ring, I would have given it back just to be done with LW. And if I was in LW's position at this point I'd be like "wear it, pitch it into fucking Mount Doom, IDGAF, bye" because when I'm done with someone I'm done with them, I don't want any further contact with them, I just want them out. of. my. life*; something like a ring is less important than my mental health.


*I'm aware that there are exes who can stay friends after a relationship is over; that's fine. I'm not talking about those types of situations here.

[legionseagle]

He blew his cover with "or value thereof". First, no-one normal talks like that. Secondly, even if you take the view that an engagement ring is a conditional gift, which some jurisdictions do and some don't (English law, irrc, says that the fiancee gets to keep it unless there's an express agreement to the contrary or it's a family heirloom identified as such, which, since the fiancee selected it, this isn't)the right is to the ring, not the value of the ring. So he's trying to extract money from her. And then we have this classic missing reason "Her explanation for her silence for 22 days -- just before she broke up with me over the phone -- was because I gave her an ultimatum." So he did something which caused her to blank him for three weeks, and then do her best to break up remotely and cut all channels of communication, and it's the ring he's allegedly fretting about?!?

[sporky_rat]

Yeah, tradition here* has always been the fiancee keeps the ring unless it's an heirloom.

*Here being Deep South and pretty freaking Anglophile.

[cereta]

Okay, first of all, any lawyer who will do more than take $300 to tell you that you need to go to small claims court and even then your chances based on a "verbal agreement" are pretty slim is a bottom feeder who will soak you for way, way more than the resale value of the ring (which may not be much more than that $300 anyway).

None of what's going on is about the ring. LW is looking for a reason both to keep in contact with the ex and probably to stick it to her as well. I can't really fathom ex's motives except that I kind of doubt she's planning to wear the ring as just a pretty piece of jewelry. Maybe getting the stone reset, I dunno, but it seems like an odd hill to die on unless she, too, wants to stick it LW (possibly for whatever the ultimatum was).

Also, let me add to chorus: who the hell does something like discussing what will happen to the ring if they split? When they've been together for eight years? I'm guessing this was LW's idea, which kind of makes me side-em them.

[shirou]

After an acrimonious breakup, I suspect both LW and his ex are acting out of a combination of feeling like they're each in the right and wanting to stick it to one another. I can't tell which, if either, is actually in the right, but nothing LW says looks good for him.

[green_grrl]

Well. Sentence one of the response was right on, and then the advice went WILDLY off course. WTF? No, don’t get a lawyer, get a therapist who can explain to you in small words that it’s over.

[xenacryst]

Eight Years and an Ultimatum

Isn't that the name of a movie? With lots of popcorn? And many plot convolutions and misdirections, where it's clear from the opening scene who the dickhead is, but we're not clear on what the ultimatum was until the post-credits teaser? And we leave being unsure whether we should have eaten all that popcorn or just dumped it over the head of whomever said this was a worthwhile movie?