Ask Amy: New parents must set firm boundaries

[conuly]

Dear Amy: Late last year my husband and I had our first child, a son. We let people know that only immediate family members (the new grandparents and our siblings) would be allowed to visit us in the hospital the first day the baby was born. For the remainder of that week, we wanted privacy.

My husband’s family reacted with hostility, especially from my brother-in-law and his girlfriend. They decided to call us three days prior to me going in for my C-section and berate us for limiting the visits while we were in the hospital.

Additionally, they were quite offended that we were only “giving them” a few hours with the baby. The conversation became so inappropriate we had to tell them to either stop, or not bother coming to the hospital at all.

Instead, they decided to tell us that we were wrong for setting boundaries, and that they were “walking out of our lives.”

For the past nine months, that is exactly what they have done. We have attempted several times to invite them to meet their nephew, but they refused -- claiming we were negative, toxic, and miserable people, and that we owe them major apologies.

Meanwhile, I went through a traumatic labor and delivery that caused me to suffer from postpartum depression, and PTSD.

It has been very difficult trying to understand this irrational behavior and deal with my mental health struggles.

No one in my husband’s family will stick up for us.

If everyone just prefers to “keep the peace” instead of speaking out about this immature behavior, how can our little family possibly have a relationship with my in-laws?

Very Hurt and Shocked

Dear Hurt: My advice for you is to stop. Stop playing this game. Stop trying to engage with two people who obviously want to punish you. Stop expecting other family members to defend you (your husband’s parents will not correct their adult child, even if he is at fault).

If your brother-in-law and his partner don’t want to be a part of your child’s life, then you have to respect their choice. You might even be grateful for it, because these people sound very demanding and unsupportive. Do not expect them to behave differently, and do not gossip about them or invite others to engage on your behalf.

You and your husband should continue to bond as a family unit. The best way to continue to support your own recovery (it can take over a year) is to build up your confidence as parents, maintain a peaceful and positive home life, and keep the outside drama to an absolute minimum.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2392730?fs

Comments

[conuly]

LW's problem is that she doesn't understand that her in-laws are giving her the gift of not having a relationship with them.

[lemonsharks]

ding ding ding

[cimorene]

It's hard to imagine chasing after people this awful!

[minoanmiss]

I'm not sure if this is a cultural thing or a human nature thing, but I've noticed that many of us (including me, absolutely) tend to have an image of what a situation should be and try to shift the situation to fit that image, rather than taking notice of actual reality and shifting our mental image to fit reality. I think LW has an image of how she should relate to her inlaws and needs to let go of that in favor of reality. And the reality is she doesn't need that pair of twits.

[conuly]

I'd add that I'd remain cordial but not close with anybody who clearly preferences those twits over her and her husband - the toxic might spread.

[tielan]

I think LW has an image of how she should relate to her inlaws and needs to let go of that in favor of reality

This is my assessment, too.

And, yeah, given that her in-laws are either boundary violators or indifferent to it...she and her son and husband are way better off without them.

[lemonsharks]

Also, for the love of pie someone tell the LW to let her husband manage his own family.

[cereta]

Sadly, it is often not so much "let" as "demand," especially with wives and the husband's family.

[lemonsharks]

I want to gently disagree--if wives stop managing their husbands' families for them, and those relationships wither, responsibility rests firmly on the husbands' heads.

The hard part is giving herself permission to not care if those relationships wither.

[cynthia1960]

This.

[ayebydan]

Agreed

[cereta]

I regard that as a form of "making."

[lemonsharks]

That's fair