agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I read you every day. My daughter, the oldest of four children, and I had a falling-out because I paid for her education but she couldn't be thankful. She was very entitled as a child, but it was important to me that she graduated. She's a schoolteacher now.

When she asked me to pay for her wedding, I said, Will you be thankful this time? She stomped out and said, I'll do it myself! I learned today that she went gown shopping with my mom and her fiance's mother and excluded me. I am so angry, hurt and sad that I don't even want to go to the wedding anymore. I could use some advice here. -- SAD IN ARKANSAS

DEAR SAD: I'm surprised you had to demand gratitude from your daughter. She may have not learned appreciation because she was always handed everything she wanted, so now she expects your role in her life to continue on that path. That she went gown shopping without inviting you was her way of punishing you for not forking over the money for her wedding. (I wonder if your mother and her fiance's mother are contributing.)

I do not think you should skip her wedding, regardless of how tempted you may be. That said, it is important you realize a pattern has been established in your relationship with your daughter, and she may use your grandchildren as pawns to manipulate you, so be prepared.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2391905

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Well, this is a winner. First LW is exceedingly vague on what, exactly, her daughter failed to adequately do in response to her mother paying for her education. Then we've got Abby assigning motives to the decision of gown shopping sans Mom on the basis of practically no information.

I'm dying to hear Daughter's side of this story.

Yeah, my Spidey-senses are tingling.

I refuse to call it the "Peter tingle" for reasons of spouse's name ;).

Considering that in the US higher education isn't free, and most non-minimum-wage jobs require a college diploma in this country, uh, yeah, a lot of parents are in the habit of paying for education for their children, the same way they might feed them, clothe them, and put a roof over their heads. I really wonder what exactly LW thinks is "proper gratitude".

Also yes, a lot of parents pay for their kids' weddings, it's so ingrained in the culture that it's not so much "entitled" as it's considered tradition. Doesn't mean a parent has to do it, but most of the parents I've known who aren't completely broke are happy to at least chip in for their kids' weddings without expecting some sort of brownnosing-whatever-the-hell display of undying loyalty.

That the parent is *~so upset that she doesn't want to go to the wedding~* over this speaks volumes to me, like she wants to turn what is supposed to be a joyful day into a weapon, and I do really wonder if, like so many toxic narcissist parents, her concept of her daughter being "entitled" was asking for affection or to have basic needs met. I really wonder what the daughter has to say about what her relationship with LW is like; I bet her side of things is quite a bit different.

Referring back to paragraph one, if you're in your 20s you also have to do an enormous amount of hoop-jumping just to get FAFSA if your parents aren't financially supporting you. Because we expect parents to pay for college.

Yes. So LW acting like she went above and beyond the call of duty as a parent paying for college, instead of, you know, education being a basic need like food/clothing/shelter, really raises a red flag to me. It went right over Abby's head.

My main reaction is that Abby is just incredibly gullible. Is it a choice, or was she born that way?

I have no idea, but it's amazing.

I paid for her education.... it was important to me that she graduated

I wonder if, unmentioned of course here, is that she held over her daughter that she expected her to pursue a particular path and maybe even designated the subject/courses she was prepared to pay for? She's a schoolteacher now but what did she want to be?

(Cite to all those angstings I've seen about how far one should have to enthuse about presents which are not only something one does not want but things one has been actively saying, please do not get me X.)

How exactly does this parent define gratitude? I get the feeling that this letter is so short because the writer glossed over everything that could provide context.

this.

Thiiiis.

I feel like this letter has all those unspoken words in between the lines. I have a very vivid memory of my mother informing me that I owed her for putting a roof over my head and food on the table. Any time a parent feels like they are "owed" anything: gratitude, love, etc. They are in the wrong place.

That’s exactly how this letter felt to me. Get out now, daughter, because it will start with, “Even though grandkids said thank you for the toy, they didn’t write a thank you card and mail it,” and end with, “You need to forsake your life and take care of my bedridden, incontinent self because you owe me.”

I have a hard time imagining anyone reacting well to being asked "Will you be thankful this time?", no matter what they're like in other circumstances.

Paying for your child's education is part of the gig.

Traditionally, the groom's side pays for the rehearsal dinner, and the bride's side pays for the wedding reception. There's a whole further set of breakdowns that I don't remember, but the point is, certainly some of it's expected of the bride's family.

This letter is a mass of elisions and lack of information. Abby herself is a mess. This is just ridiculous. ("Pawns to manipulate you" -- ?!?!???!!?)

Parents paying for university/college is normal/expected unless it would be a financial hardship - eg if the parents are on a low income, have big medical bills, have lots of kids.

Why yes, Sad. If you say that you'll be holding the same sorts of strings on the wedding as you did the education, except more so, don't be confused when your daughter excludes you from the planning. Especially if you've telegraphed very clearly that your opinions are the only ones that matter.

This is one of those letters with a 'unsaid histories of parent-child relationships' background, isn't it?

I just can't get enough of them. They're like potato chips, or drugs, or I don't even know.

Like, multiple volumes.

What a compliment for a letter with so little time to go into detail to mention reading Abby every day! Or is it that the LW believes daily readership entitles one to an answer?

Wow, what the hell was that letter response though? No, no, no!