Ask Amy: Tragic loss brings on a strange family demand

[conuly]

Dear Amy: I lost my husband in a tragic accident a year ago. We had no children, so I'm alone now, but I am seeing a grief counselor.

For the past few months, my in-laws have been asking — or more like telling — me to move in with them as soon as COVID is over. Their logic is that they need me, and I shouldn't be alone right now.

I don't want to move in with them. They're good people, but they are very controlling, which is one reason my husband didn't even want to live too close to them.

I have politely declined dozens of times, but they keep saying, "It's decided" and they "won't take no for an answer."

They have told me that they are coming to get me and my stuff as soon as it is safe to do so.

I don't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with this right now. I don't want to live with them and am fine where I am. They live in another state, so I'd have to quit my job, which I also don't want to do.

How can I get through to them? I don't want to hurt them because obviously they are as grief-stricken as I am, but I'm worried that I will snap and say something awful if they keep pushing me on this.

Grieving Widow

Dear Grieving: I hope you will choose to discuss this with your grief counselor.

I suggest writing down your thoughts. Use loving and unequivocal language: “Frederick loved you so much. We are all grieving. I miss him every day. He and I built our life here, and I have chosen to stay here, in our home. My job and friends are here. I want to continue to live in the home he and I made together. I know this is not what you want to hear. I care very much about you and I will be out to visit as soon as I can, but I won’t be moving in with you.”

You should add that you have been seeing a grief counselor, and that the counseling has helped you. The Compassionate Friends (compassionatefriends.org), or their local hospice center will have recommendations for them. Once you’ve read the letter and are satisfied with it, send it to them. Understand that this repeated entreaty might be their way of coping with their own loss.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2389079?fs

Comments

[conuly]

Tell them that you will not be moving in with them, the matter is not up for discussion, and that if they don't drop the subject you will hang up.

Then do it. If they call you again over this, hang up again. (I'd go so far as to say that she shouldn't answer the phone to them at all, and only speak to them when she initiates the calls.) If they show up at your house, do not open your door to them.

Unlike LW, I'm not convinced these are "good people". I think her husband had the right idea at moving to another state.

[cimorene]

Seriously, so many red flags. This person doesn't seem qualified to give reasonable advice.

[conuly]

A child could give better advice.

[cimorene]

Yes, precisely! It's not just cartoonish, it's egregiously counter-intuitive in the worst way.

[redbird]

Maybe even borrow some of their language. "I'm not leaving the home my husband and I shared. That's settled" and then maybe one attempt at a topic change before saying "I already told you no. Goodbye."

As a practical thing, LW should also change the locks, just in case her husband's family somehow got a set of keys.

[conuly]

Yes, changing the locks is a good idea.

[mirlacca]

Exactly this.

Anyone who says "It's decided" and tells you they will be coming to get you and your stuff is telling you they plan to kidnap you. Literally. They may be grieving, but CUT THEM OFF.

Their logic is that they need you and you are vulnerable and available. CUT THEM OFF.

[minoanmiss]

What the everloving bleep.

[purlewe]

this.

[lemonsharks]

yep

[cereta]

Yeah, no. She has tried polite and understanding, and gotten nothing but frankly alarming response. It's time to say, bluntly, "I am not moving in with you, and I am not having this discussion anymore. If you bring it up again, I will stop communicating with you." Also, frankly, maybe investigate the process for a TRO or more permanent legal measures in case they just show up for you.

[sporky_rat]

Definitely time for a restraining order and, depending on the quality of the law enforcement in her area, perhaps a chat with them about the family in case they show up anyway.

(I'd trust the law enforcement in my current city, it's all of ...six people, not so much the folks in say, Portland.)

[frenzy]

Are... are they threatening to kidnap her? I think this warrants more than a "polite letter". Eeesh.

[pensnest]

Good grief, did the advice-giver even read the letter? Polite refusals for months have already encompassed verything in this suggested letter. It's time for bluntness, and putting a few local friends on alert just in case.

[azurelunatic]

Please, say something awful and pray they never forgive you.

[neotoma]

Her in-laws 'need her'? For what? I mean, she and her husband lived away from these people because he didn't want to live close to his own relatives.

This sounds hinky, and I'd be worried that the in-laws want her money or house, and might try to get a conservatorship if she resists them.

[malkingrey]

Dear Grieving:

Go ahead. Say something awful. Please.

And have a trusted local friend on speed dial whom you can call and say "Send lawyers, guns, and money" if they actually show up in force and try something.

[eva_rosen]

LW doesn't mention her age, but that sounds suspiciously like what extended family does to elderly relatives when they live alone and they want their stuff, taking them elsewhere 'for their own good'. I would be afraid.

[cynthia1960]

So much whattheeverlovingfuck is going on here. Change the locks, restraining order, the whole damn thing. These people are unsafe.