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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a single man in my late 30s who never has really been close to marriage. I’m very much an alpha, and while I have had many girlfriends and lovers, I’m getting to the point where I would like to find someone to settle down with. My problem at this point is my options. I am employed by the federal government. When I first started way back in the early 2000s, I was a basic employee. So finding women at work was fairly easy—but now I’m in an upper-management position. And as part of my code of conduct, I cannot date anyone who is a subordinate (even though I’ve broken that rule in the past). So that cuts my options at work to practically nil. However, I will get women subordinates flirting with me, making suggestive comments like “You have big hands,” “What’s your shoe size,” etc. I don’t even acknowledge them for fear of being a #MeToo statistic. So, it brings me to my next point. I know that as an alpha male, I can be difficult to be with in relationships. I’m sure you know all about alphas, and I don’t need to explain the reasons. How do I find someone who can understand me and mesh with me so I don’t get on their nerves too much? And what type of women, personalitywise, should I be searching for? I’m tired of driving women away, but I can’t seem to help it. Does it have anything to do with my younger years, when I preferred jumping from girl to girl and not wanting anything exclusive? Or is it just part of being an alpha male?
—Alpha Dog
Dear Alpha Dog,
I actually don’t know all about alpha males, and I’m not convinced there’s a difference between someone who believes he is so special that it is his destiny to control and dominate every situation and a garden-variety asshole. No offense. (Though I’m sure that, as an alpha, you can take it.) I also wonder what the women who’ve been with you would say about the existence of such a difference.
You write that you’re an “alpha male” several times like this is a fixed state of being, like “alpha male” is what you were put on Earth to be. If you’re alienating people and not getting what you want, how alpha are you, actually? What separates the illusion of superiority and endless confidence from straight-up delusion is net results. And bro, you’re struggling with those, hence you writing into an advice column.
I think you’re better off divesting yourself from this “alpha” picture in your head, which I’m sure diverges from behavior seen in other species alphas. In a 2017 TEDMED Talk, primatologist Frans de Waal (whose book Chimpanzee Politics helped popularize the term alpha male) discusses how the alpha male chimps he observed weren’t the bullies that so often self-designated human alpha males tend to be. Instead, the chimp alphas are diplomatic and highly empathetic. They make their fellow chimps, particularly those with low social standing, feel seen. Leadership! Meanwhile, multiple studies on women’s perception of human alpha males and the traits associated with them found that dominance was most attractive to female respondees when it came with prosocial behaviors. In an analysis of the studies, University of California–Berkeley’s Greater Good Magazine reported, “Taken together, the research suggests that the ideal man (for a date or romantic partner) is one who is assertive, confident, easygoing, and sensitive, without being aggressive, demanding, dominant, quiet, shy, or submissive.”
Given what you’ve written, I think some tinkering under your hood is in order. You cannot underestimate the value of kindness—it could only fortify your cause and end up making you look stronger. If you’re difficult because you’re alpha, it’s in your best interest to be less alpha, or at least to expand your definition. Start by being less concerned about becoming a #MeToo statistic and more concerned with the well-being of women who have been systematically abused and exploited since the dawn of civilization as we know it. Just a tip!
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/07/boyfriend-ugly-advice.html
I’m a single man in my late 30s who never has really been close to marriage. I’m very much an alpha, and while I have had many girlfriends and lovers, I’m getting to the point where I would like to find someone to settle down with. My problem at this point is my options. I am employed by the federal government. When I first started way back in the early 2000s, I was a basic employee. So finding women at work was fairly easy—but now I’m in an upper-management position. And as part of my code of conduct, I cannot date anyone who is a subordinate (even though I’ve broken that rule in the past). So that cuts my options at work to practically nil. However, I will get women subordinates flirting with me, making suggestive comments like “You have big hands,” “What’s your shoe size,” etc. I don’t even acknowledge them for fear of being a #MeToo statistic. So, it brings me to my next point. I know that as an alpha male, I can be difficult to be with in relationships. I’m sure you know all about alphas, and I don’t need to explain the reasons. How do I find someone who can understand me and mesh with me so I don’t get on their nerves too much? And what type of women, personalitywise, should I be searching for? I’m tired of driving women away, but I can’t seem to help it. Does it have anything to do with my younger years, when I preferred jumping from girl to girl and not wanting anything exclusive? Or is it just part of being an alpha male?
—Alpha Dog
Dear Alpha Dog,
I actually don’t know all about alpha males, and I’m not convinced there’s a difference between someone who believes he is so special that it is his destiny to control and dominate every situation and a garden-variety asshole. No offense. (Though I’m sure that, as an alpha, you can take it.) I also wonder what the women who’ve been with you would say about the existence of such a difference.
You write that you’re an “alpha male” several times like this is a fixed state of being, like “alpha male” is what you were put on Earth to be. If you’re alienating people and not getting what you want, how alpha are you, actually? What separates the illusion of superiority and endless confidence from straight-up delusion is net results. And bro, you’re struggling with those, hence you writing into an advice column.
I think you’re better off divesting yourself from this “alpha” picture in your head, which I’m sure diverges from behavior seen in other species alphas. In a 2017 TEDMED Talk, primatologist Frans de Waal (whose book Chimpanzee Politics helped popularize the term alpha male) discusses how the alpha male chimps he observed weren’t the bullies that so often self-designated human alpha males tend to be. Instead, the chimp alphas are diplomatic and highly empathetic. They make their fellow chimps, particularly those with low social standing, feel seen. Leadership! Meanwhile, multiple studies on women’s perception of human alpha males and the traits associated with them found that dominance was most attractive to female respondees when it came with prosocial behaviors. In an analysis of the studies, University of California–Berkeley’s Greater Good Magazine reported, “Taken together, the research suggests that the ideal man (for a date or romantic partner) is one who is assertive, confident, easygoing, and sensitive, without being aggressive, demanding, dominant, quiet, shy, or submissive.”
Given what you’ve written, I think some tinkering under your hood is in order. You cannot underestimate the value of kindness—it could only fortify your cause and end up making you look stronger. If you’re difficult because you’re alpha, it’s in your best interest to be less alpha, or at least to expand your definition. Start by being less concerned about becoming a #MeToo statistic and more concerned with the well-being of women who have been systematically abused and exploited since the dawn of civilization as we know it. Just a tip!
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/07/boyfriend-ugly-advice.html
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this ain't an Omega Verse, y'all
Also maybe he wouldn't have to worry about being a "#MeToo statistic" if he behaved respectfully. It's always the really gross, skeevy guys who say they worry about that, and all this he-man macho posturing shit comes off exactly like that: gross and skeevy.
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2. Comments about hand and shoe size are "suggestive"?
3. Did I mention it's revolting?
4. The use of "alpha" and "beta" outside of fanfic has become one of my nope-nope-cannot-take-this-person-seriously signs.
5. Still revolting.
6. Knowing a wee bit about at least some federal work environments, color me stunned that a man who works in one is full of macho crap.
7. Yuck.
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Why do you think Trump is so enraged about the suggestion that he has small hands? The insinuation is that the size of his hands/feet correlates directly to the size of his....
https://people.com/celebrity/donald-trump-sends-vanity-fair-editor-photos-of-his-hands/
(Edit: I don't know if that's what the Vanity Fair editor was suggesting when they first brought it up. I do know it's pathetic to keep sending photos of your hands to them for over two decades. It's almost as pathetic as sending unsolicited dick pics.)
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But I think we both know what's going on here, if it's happening at all. Unless his hands and feet are grotesquely enormous, I doubt anybody is commenting on them at all.
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Ding ding, we have a winner.
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Golly, wot a charmer, eh?
I'd say, run girls run, but clearly, they already have.
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I'm glad that the advice is basically "work on you, because really".
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