Yet more Abby: Grandparents should rule the roost

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: Whatever happened to respecting one's elders and recognizing grandparents as head of the family? I recently returned from visiting my son, his wife and my new grandchild. My son's wife and I had many disagreements on how to care for my grandchild. Instead of respecting my years of experience as a mother and appreciating my help, she chose to ignore my instructions and advice.

After I returned home, I was told by my son that I was no longer welcome to visit my grandchild unless I apologized to his wife for trying to undermine her parenting. I told him she should apologize to me for not showing me respect as the grandmother.

How can I make my son see that it is his wife who is wrong, and not me? -- UNAPPRECIATED GRANDMA

DEAR UNAPPRECIATED: It would be interesting to know how closely you adhered to your parents' and in-laws' parenting advice, because when your children came along I'll bet you had your own ideas on the subject.

Showing respect and following your orders are not the same thing. It is a mother's right to care for her baby as she sees fit, and you should show her the respect she deserves by allowing her to do that and not turning it into a power struggle. Unless you do, you will be seeing very little of any of them.

Comments

[kaberett]

GOOD FOR SON, is pretty much all I have to say on this one. GOOD FOR SON.

[recessional]

SO THIS.

[cereta]

I will confess that my general response is, ..."the fuck?" I mean, I'm an English teacher: I have read literature from all Western eras, and damned if I can remember a time when grandparents dictated parenting strategies. Fairly often, they were considered an obligation to be treated with very careful respect, but not to be obeyed blindly. If the family were living in the grandparents' house, and the advice were, "Stop letting them jump on the glass table," I'd get it, but good Lord. My mother and I had some tiffs over the years, but at least she knew when to back off.

This is one of the first times I suspect that the LW might actually be someone else (the baby's mother, perhaps), although even if it is, unless she's making up the "head of the household" crap, it's still appalling.

[cereta]

YES.

[kaberett]

sadly I know plenty enough people who are exactly this self-righteous, ergo I am 100% willing to believe it's for real.

[recessional]

Yeah no as professional childcare person I have met this grandmother more than once. Complete with writing to something like Abby to try to get more self righteous ammunition.

[cereta]

True enough.

[cereta]

Sigh. I can sadly believe it.

[recessional]

This is why I'm so pleased that the son is so unequivocally standing up for his wife/mother of his child and co-parent: so often they DON'T, and won't draw that line.

[cheyinka]

Amen. (And I like how unequivocal Abby is: here is my advice, and here is what will happen when you ignore it.)

[sathari]

Echoing all the SO MUCH THIS. And also, yay for Abby for saying pretty much the same as all of us here. But mostly, GOOD FOR THE SON. There should be more SO's like this in the world.