agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: I read your column every day, and I'm always amazed by the unusual dilemmas people write to you about. Now I am hoping you have an answer for me. Anyway, we have a dear friend we've known for many years, and she has a problem with dogs of all sizes. She is extremely afraid of them and reacts in an almost childlike manner towards them. It seems to stem from her childhood in Sicily. One time, when she was 5 years old and walking in her neighborhood, a large dog barked at her and charged the fence around its house. It must have scared the bejesus out of her.

We recently got a puppy, and she doesn't want to be around the puppy. She even cringes at photos of the puppy. Is there anything that can be done to help her without losing her friendship? -- Dog Lover

Dear Dog Lover: You have to take puppy steps with your friend. Each time she comes over to your house, make sure your puppy's just had a nice long walk, and put your puppy on a leash. Ask your pooch to go into a sitting position so that she can pet the puppy calmly. The first time, she may pet your puppy only once or not at all. But if she sees -- through repeated exposure -- that your dog is not the dog that terrified her when she was 5, she may be able to reprogram her fear. If she really can't even try and be around a small puppy, she should seek professional help.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2385546

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Better advice: Stop showing your friend pictures of your dog, and stop having her come to your house unless you can confine your dog to a room for the duration of her visit. Why does she need to love your dog to be friends with you?

Indeed. My mother is terrified of all dogs, and... her sister has learned to leave the dog at home, yes, it keeps visits short but also civil.

I'm a big fan of crate training dogs. It's good for the dog, who gets a safe den/home base and for the people who sometimes need the dog to be in a crate for a while, or who may need to evacuate with their dog.

YES, CRATE TRAINING.

Seriously, the idea that any dog ISN'T crate-trained weirds me out.

Crate training is a lot more popular in some parts of the word than in others.

I am so mad my mother de-crate-trained her dog.

The friend didn't ask for desensitization help, so maybe the LW should cool it. Meet someplace without the dog, and only have her over when the dog is confined somewhere, whether it's a room with a door or outside in a fenced yard.

Trying to make the friend tolerate the dog is really rude.

+1000

Right? What a huge overstep. “The first time, she may pet your puppy only once or not at all.” What kind of fanfic extrapolation?

Did... did they leave out some context that explains why their friend can only socialize with them at their house and why they can't go anywhere without their dog???

Oh my god what the fuck your friend is terrified of dogs, you know your friend is terrified of dogs, STOP SHOWING HER UNSOLICITED PHOTOS OF THE DOG.

Is she cringing at the puppy or is she failing to hide her reaction to photos probably rudely being shoved in her face despite her dislike of them? I also can't work out if it's the puppy's sheer existence or the hypothetical future 'help' that they think might lose them the friendship, but if it's the latter... Yes. Yes, trying to make your friend to address their phobia for your benefit might put your relationship a bit at risk. What. Also is it necessary to patronise her by calling her distress childlike? Yeesh.

It's hard to be sure, but the tone doesn't sound like a younger person to me so I'm assuming the friend has been functioning just fine throughout her life despite her fear of dogs. If there even is a genuine problem here, I don't think it's the puppy. Or the phobia.

Do! Not! Therapize! Your friend! Without! Her! Permission!

My god, it's your dog, LW, not your child. 🤯😤

"Must Love Dogs" is the title of a movie, not a universal directive. She doesn't need professional help (unless she wants it), any more than I need professional help to deal with my deep aversion to avocado. She just needs friends who don't try to force her to pet (!) their dogs.

Haven't we seen this one before? Or are all the "people who don't like dogs are strange and deficient" letters starting to run together?

For real. I want to hand each of these people a sleepy puppy to pet while repeating, "no one besides me is obligated to love my dog. I will respect the dog preferences of my friends." until they associate the mantra with positive emotions.

Aargh indeed.

This *might* be plausible advice if the letter-writer were saying something like "my son is terrified of dogs, always has been, and his sister is getting a seeing-eye dog. How can he still come visit us?"

The answer there might still be "meet somewhere outside," but I am sympathetic to possibly-conflicting access needs. But "I got a puppy, knowing my friend is afraid of dogs, and I want all my friends to love the dog because I do" isn't that.

My experience is that dog-phobic people are generally okay with service dogs, because 1) they are by definition not expected to touch or interact with the service dog in any way and 2) the service dog has been trained not to attempt to interact with them. (Dog-allergic people, on the other hand--well, service dogs unfortunately still shed.)

Also, I think many people with service dogs do not use their dogs to get around in the home. The dog needs rest time too, and the home is small and familiar compared to the outside world. If the dog phobia is that severe, it may be possible to use the "confine the dog during visits" advice regardless.

This is not the LW's to solve! Jeez.

I hate amateur exposure therapy nearly as much as amateur epidemiology. Ugh.

The only amateur epidemiology that is acceptable is recognizing you're sick and self-quarantining.

OH GOD NOT THE "EXPOSURE THERAPY". Why people insist on doing this to their friends with phobias is beyond me. I've had well-meaning but completely misguided friends try to help me with phobias and IT. DOES. NOT. WORK. Also?

If she really can't even try and be around a small puppy, she should seek professional help.

The fuck is this shit? What's next, professional help for people who don't like advice columns? :P

I think real exposure therapy done by a professional with a willing participant does work at least some of the time. This DIY garbage, though....

Yes, agreed. Some of the time, with a willing participant. Non-consensual "exposure therapy" from armchair psychologists, though, not so much. Been there done that, still psychologically scarred.

Therapist here. Exposure therapy works about 30% of the time. Since a non-trivial number of people are RE-traumatized by it, a non-trivial number of mental health professionals consider it bad care and do not provide it. It can and does work for certain people with certain phobias, but I’d personally choose something like EMDR to address the trauma rather than exposure therapy.

Ask he if she wants your help. Then respect her decision. How is this so hard?

This is probably the worst advice I've ever seen in this column.

I was attacked by a German Shepherd when I was in second grade. He broke my arm (I was lucky that he was wearing a muzzle and was tied down). I was terrified of dogs for years, and to this day am subject to occasional panic attacks, even though I have since owned dogs. You DO NOT force someone to accept even a puppy just because YOU think they should just "get over it." You have no idea what that terror feels like, and it's something that no friend should force a friend to experience. Trying to "cure" someone "for their own good" is arrogance personified. Let it go. Your friend does not need or want dogs in their life. It's not up to you to change that.

I'm really sorry that happened to you.