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Who Owes Who an Apology?
DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Every year, my sister organizes a family reunion, which is held at a local botanical garden the weekend after Labor Day. She reserves the location and co-ordinates the food, and the adults are assigned to crews.
Last year, I requested to be part of “set-up” (as I normally do). I contacted her several times in the days before the event to see if there was anything else she needed me to bring and to confirm the time. The reunion was starting at 3:00, so she said to be there around 2:30.
The morning of the party, I texted her asking what time she would be arriving, and she said 2:00. I had some extra time, so I decided to come early to help. I was ahead of schedule and arrived around 1:00. The grounds crew was there, and I asked them to be sure the sprinklers were all shut off, as we had had an incident a couple years earlier when several attendees got an unexpected shower. They assured me they were off and left.
When my sister arrived a few minutes later, she seemed less than happy to see me. When I told her about the sprinklers, she snapped that that was “her job” and one of the reasons she had arrived early. I said she obviously didn’t need my help and left.
I did not hear from her for several weeks, so I wrote her a letter. I told her I was crushed by her yelling at me and that she owed me an apology. Shortly before Christmas I got a brief note from her saying she was sorry for “speaking harshly” and hurting my feelings. It wasn’t much of an apology, but at least it was something.
I did not see her over the holidays but tried to call her several times. She never returned my calls. Then, the pandemic hit. I reached out to her again by phone and text. I finally got a text from her that asked, “Did your apology get lost in the mail?” I replied that I didn’t have anything to apologize for.
After several more texts back and forth she said that I was the cause of our disagreement – that if I, “Hadn’t shown up an hour early, none of this would have happened,” and that, “It’s kind of hard to yell at someone if they aren’t there.” She said that until I was willing to acknowledge my role in our disagreement and apologize to her, she had nothing to say to me.
Seriously?!? I was there to help, and she yelled at me! Do I really owe her an apology? --- I MISS MY SIS
DEAR I MISS MY SIS: The short answer is that if you’re willing to be the peacemaker, your apologizing for inadvertently stepping on her toes might help. My guess is that since the reunion is her baby, she may have gotten the impression you were horning in on her big day, questioning her ability to pull it off, or both — even though you were just looking to help.
Continuing to debate who’s got the right to the bigger apology, or to an apology at all, is only going to allow the rift to widen. Someone’s got to be the real grown-up here.
https://www.uexpress.com/ask-someone-elses-mom/2020/7/14/who-owes-who-an-apology
Last year, I requested to be part of “set-up” (as I normally do). I contacted her several times in the days before the event to see if there was anything else she needed me to bring and to confirm the time. The reunion was starting at 3:00, so she said to be there around 2:30.
The morning of the party, I texted her asking what time she would be arriving, and she said 2:00. I had some extra time, so I decided to come early to help. I was ahead of schedule and arrived around 1:00. The grounds crew was there, and I asked them to be sure the sprinklers were all shut off, as we had had an incident a couple years earlier when several attendees got an unexpected shower. They assured me they were off and left.
When my sister arrived a few minutes later, she seemed less than happy to see me. When I told her about the sprinklers, she snapped that that was “her job” and one of the reasons she had arrived early. I said she obviously didn’t need my help and left.
I did not hear from her for several weeks, so I wrote her a letter. I told her I was crushed by her yelling at me and that she owed me an apology. Shortly before Christmas I got a brief note from her saying she was sorry for “speaking harshly” and hurting my feelings. It wasn’t much of an apology, but at least it was something.
I did not see her over the holidays but tried to call her several times. She never returned my calls. Then, the pandemic hit. I reached out to her again by phone and text. I finally got a text from her that asked, “Did your apology get lost in the mail?” I replied that I didn’t have anything to apologize for.
After several more texts back and forth she said that I was the cause of our disagreement – that if I, “Hadn’t shown up an hour early, none of this would have happened,” and that, “It’s kind of hard to yell at someone if they aren’t there.” She said that until I was willing to acknowledge my role in our disagreement and apologize to her, she had nothing to say to me.
Seriously?!? I was there to help, and she yelled at me! Do I really owe her an apology? --- I MISS MY SIS
DEAR I MISS MY SIS: The short answer is that if you’re willing to be the peacemaker, your apologizing for inadvertently stepping on her toes might help. My guess is that since the reunion is her baby, she may have gotten the impression you were horning in on her big day, questioning her ability to pull it off, or both — even though you were just looking to help.
Continuing to debate who’s got the right to the bigger apology, or to an apology at all, is only going to allow the rift to widen. Someone’s got to be the real grown-up here.
https://www.uexpress.com/ask-someone-elses-mom/2020/7/14/who-owes-who-an-apology
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You sound awful, LW, and for her own sake I hope your sister continues to limit contact with you. I'm certain that you do things like this all the time.
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Also LW then left - did they leave the reunion entirely, or just the part where they were expected to help with set-up? (I bet I know the answer)
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But I also think that arriving at an appointment at a public place early isn't any big deal. Of course, I'm 53 and have never once in my life had control over my own transportation. Sometimes the buses line up just right, and I'm in the middle of nowhere an hour and a half early and have to go somewhere. Sometimes, I know I'll arrive early and plan ahead to fill the gap if there's a restaurant in walking distance, but that often fills a lot less time than I expect, and sitting at some waiter's table after I'm done eating isn't a thing I want to do at a busy time of day.
If I have to take the bus, I build in an extra half hour because that's the gap between buses on most routes. 80% of the time, that means I'm half an hour early. The other 20% of the time, I still arrive late. The more transfers on the trip, the more extra time I have to allow.
If I get a ride from a friend, I have to adapt to their schedule. Sometimes, that means I'm sitting in a waiting room for several hours before my appointment or for several hours after.
So, I guess, I'm feeling a little attacked about the being early in a difficult to access public place is rude thing. Our local botanical gardens lie several miles away from the nearest bus stop, and there's nothing else within walking distance (and also no sidewalks along the road fronting it).
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Asking is only for life critical things like, say, cancer treatment.
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I currently ask for a ride about once a week for a migraine treatment (I used Uber for a long time, but besides the whole Covid thing, my best friend and her mother are emphatic that I at least ask them first). I do my best to pay it back/forward, particularly for parents whose schedules are not as flexible as mine, but I'm never bothered by someone asking for a ride.
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Secondly... listen, some people can say "I showed up 90 minutes early, didn't meddle at all, for no reason other than transportation issues" and other folks will believe them. And some people can say it and, based on their past actions, nobody will.
This person didn't just show up 90 minutes early after badgering her sister to let her "help". She showed up and then meddled, probably exactly like Sis had expected her to. Probably exactly like she does every time. I mean, look at her coda - she was only trying to help!!!!!
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File another one under, “Dear ___, How do I make this person change to be the way I want them to be?”