(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Annie: I have problems with two of my daughters. Each one has a very different political view. One of them had my first grandson, and he's everything to my husband and me. I love my girls so much, but their fighting and deleting each other from Facebook is breaking my heart.

I don't know what to do. I need to help them and don't want to be in the middle of all of it. -- Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom: Sadly, this is all too common these days. The most important thing you can do as their mother is remind them they are not just political affiliations. They are sisters first and foremost and should respect each other's opinions. They could make a pact to not ever talk about politics.

You might also point out that you and your husband tried to instill independent thinking, which explains why they have different viewpoints, and they should be able to celebrate that, not fight about it.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2382181

Comments

[conuly]

Nope, you do not "need to help them", LW. You need to realize that your children are grown and it's not helping anybody if you keep trying to be their mediator.

I love my girls so much, but their fighting and deleting each other from Facebook is breaking my heart.

Yeah, sounds rough. They have no obligation to stay Facebook friends if they don't want - and if they can't get along and hate each others' politics then it's probably best if they remain deleted from each other. The less they interact, the less they can fight. If they try to drag you in the middle, tell them you intend to stay out of it.

[ashbet]

I was going to say, the sisters deleting/blocking each other sounds like the healthiest thing to do, in this situation. Less opportunity for arguing and nastiness.

*sigh*

[redbird]

I need to help them and don't want to be in the middle of all of it.

It doesn't sound like her daughters need or are asking for any specific help here -- if there was arguing over babysitting for that first grandson, or having both daughters in the same room for a holiday meal or LW's birthday, I think she'd have mentioned it. What they need is for their parents to get out of the way.

Maybe LW could use some hints or scripts for what to do if one daughter complains to her about the other. "I love you both, please do me a favor and don't fight while you're visiting me" followed by a topic change, subtle or otherwise. "You know I can't make the country do what I say politically, so, I'm thinking of planting hydrangeas."

Re: *sigh*

[green_grrl]

Yup, this. MYOB unless/until they bring it to your house.

[lemonsharks]

They are sisters first and foremost and should respect each other's opinions. They could make a pact to not ever talk about politics.

Y'know, this is how we end up with Nazi Aunt Cheryl and KKK Grand Wizard Uncle Jared. Or on a less contentious note: Cousin McHaeleigh the antivaxxer and Libertarian Grandpa Rand who loves nothing more than playing devil's advocate and griping about how the people he's deliberately hurt are so thin-skinned and oversensitive.

Some opinions are terrible should not be respected. Some opinions should carry significant consequences, such as losing your family's respect and/or presence in your life.

Edit: Though I do wish Annie had affirmed to the LW that learning to not-meddle and not-referee in her adult children's business, as she had when they were children, is hard. And that it will probably be uncomfortable for her, which is okay.

[lilysea]

Yeah, I think it really depends on what the differences of politics are.

There are differences of politics that can be ignored,

but "Black lives matter and Black people have the right not to be killed by police for no reason" or

"LGBTQ people deserve human rights and respect and equal treatment"

is an example of something where you can't ignore someone disagreeing with you...

[cynthia1960]

+1000 to both of you.

[lemonsharks]

Disclaimer: I'm at the point where I have somewhere between 0 and less than 0 tolerance left for anyone more conservative than "mainline democrat," which colors my takes on these kinds of letters.

What if we put social pressure on Racist Sister Margie for ruining Thanksgiving, instead of Anti-Racist Sister Beth for calling attention to Margie's racism? What if actions had consequences for conservatives as well as those who refuse to tolerate their BS?

The kind of political difference that can be ignored or engaged with civilly is more on the scale of, "We should repave Main Street now because it needs repaving now" vs "we should work with the gas, sewer, and water companies to repave Main Street when the utilities need maintenance/replacing in the next 5 years, and patch over the potholes in the meantime."

Civil disagreement is, "All student loan debt should be forgiven immediately with no consequences to the borrowers" vs "student loan debt should be forgiven after 20 years, with the forgiveness counting as taxable income".

I suspect that the political issues the sisters are disagreeing on so vehemently are more along the lines of the Black Lives Matter/Blue Lives Matter divide than the above.

I wonder sometimes, as my partner and I go back and forth on having children, whether I would have the strength to impose serious consequences on a child who rebelled into a maga hat-wearing asshole, or whether I would cling tight to Loving Them No Matter What. I feel like there's something to be said for conditional love--when the bar is right down under the floorboards and emblazoned with the likes of, "Don't Be A Fucking Nazi".

[jamoche]

Back in the fall of 2016, at a family reunion to meet the first baby in the next generation, I told the RWNJ Stepdad that he could either shut up about email servers (where he’d have been doing extreme mansplaining even at the best of times) or I’d find my waiter, cancel my order, and walk out, and I was really looking forward to that burger.

I got my burger.

[lemonsharks]

*clicks like*

[conuly]

I agree, but there's not much LW can do to fix that issue, and she doesn't seem to care about it.

[lemonsharks]

Someone needs to tell her she's focusing on the wrong thing, certainly.

Also that her kids are allowed to not like each other.

[azurelunatic]

That letter is missing so many details.

[conuly]

Putting my response aside, the word "politics" makes it clear that one daughter must be in the right and the other in the wrong. That's the state of politics today, alas. But if Mom doesn't see it that way, fine.

[kiezh]

Another option: they could BOTH be wrong! Competing bigotries can happen. Though that still leaves LW focusing on entirely the wrong thing, as if her kids being friends on Facebook is more important than whatever actual life-and-death issues they're fighting about.

[sathari]

Another option: they could BOTH be wrong! Competing bigotries can happen.

WORD to this. I was trying to find a way to say something about that in my comment below (but ultimately gave up and just focused on the family issues), and you got there far more succinctly.

[sathari]

Everyone else nailed the political aspects of this, so I'm going to focus on another angle, namely this sentence from LW:

I need to help them and don't want to be in the middle of all of it. (emphasis mine)

...okay, LW has this exactly backwards: she may want to help them, but she doesn't NEED to be in the middle of this. And I have to wonder if that piece of LW's thinking--- that it's "her job" to "fix" or manage things between her children, but that she doesn't actually want to deal with the conflict, is how she got the family dynamic she has.

[conuly]

And I have to wonder if that piece of LW's thinking--- that it's "her job" to "fix" or manage things between her children, but that she doesn't actually want to deal with the conflict, is how she got the family dynamic she has.

Agreed.