Girl's Tantrums Stymie Man's Relationship With Her Mom

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: I have met the most remarkable woman, but after eight months of serious dating, I have realized that she has the worst and most manipulating 10-year-old daughter ever. She constantly claims sickness, and now even mental health issues like anxiety and panic disorder, although they have never been formally diagnosed, to prevent her mother and me from having time together. Immediately after her mother agrees to her daughter's request and lets her get her way, the kid becomes happy and energetic, and goes back to playing. (I feel she is laughing in my face.) The numerous cancellations and tantrums are very upsetting, and it hurts my feelings when the person I love most in the world sets me aside.

I had considered proposing marriage. I have a 13- and 17-year-old who are both respectful, energetic and happy. They have been through a lot since their mother abandoned us, but they would never consider acting out like this girl.

Last weekend I was asked to bring her requested dinner and then leave, because she wanted Mommy to watch her watercolor. Abby, they are together every day, almost all day, and close relatives refuse to watch the child.

Is a resolution possible? Should I stay or should I go? When do I have the right to say enough is enough? The constant exclusions make me feel insignificant. -- COUNTED OUT IN KENTUCKY

DEAR COUNTED OUT: If close relatives refuse to watch the child so your lady friend can have a break, there may be more to this story than you have written. The girl is fighting for her mother -- and winning. From where I sit, Mama could benefit from some discussions with a child psychologist and lessons in how to say no to her daughter.

Adult relationships are supposed to make both parties feel better, not insignificant. As to whether you should stay or go, I think you would be wise to take a break from this relationship because, as it stands, it is going nowhere.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2378432

Comments

[conuly]

If you ask me, the bigger problem is not this girl's behavior but this LW's attitude. She's ten! But according to LW, the kid is Machiavelli on steroids - manipulating Mom just to laugh in LW's face.

Of course, it's definitely not possible that this child is actually unwell, physically or mentally. The real issue is that she's insufficiently "respectful". No concern about this kid's welfare, lots of concern about LW's feelings.

[cimorene]

so much YIKES. Wonder what the mom's perception is: is she clueless about his anger or...

[cereta]

Also, the whole "laughing in my face" thing is LW's interpretation of what may just be happiness at getting more time with her mother without a person who describes her as "the worst" kid ever.

[kiezh]

Gee, I wonder if "Mom is dating an asshole who reeks of contempt and rage every time he looks at me, and he actively wants to take her away from me" might be... cause for serious anxiety and panic... for a little kid who has no power over what the adults in her life do...

I have a 13- and 17-year-old who are both respectful, energetic and happy. They have been through a lot since their mother abandoned us, but they would never consider acting out like this girl.

"My children have been emotionally abused into never inconveniencing me or showing me anything but a happy face, no matter how unstable their lives and family become. No feelings but mine are allowed to matter, and they know this. I am a Good Parent! Why can't my girlfriend be like me and treat her child like the object she is??"

(A person you've known for 8 months and whose parenting you hold in absolute contempt is the person you love most in the world? When you have two teenage kids you have known their whole lives, who are dependent on your love and care? WOW.)

LW, I think you should break up with this woman immediately! I bet her daughter will have a lot fewer stress meltdowns once you are out of her life! And then she can look for someone to date who doesn't loathe her kid.

[conuly]

(A person you've known for 8 months and whose parenting you hold in absolute contempt is the person you love most in the world? When you have two teenage kids you have known their whole lives, who are dependent on your love and care? WOW.)

Yeah, I caught that too.

[minoanmiss]

Not that I want to increase her workload, but can LW leave his teenagers with his girlfriend when he dumps her? Or at least with someone who's not him? I'm worried about them too.

*sends healing vibes to all the injured children in this horrible situation*

[conuly]

Like, it is the weirdest list of adjectives. Okay, respectful is standard for asshole parents (not that I think kids should disrespect their parents particularly, but the ones who list it first on their priorities always are awful, aren't they?), and happy isn't bad - but "energetic"? That's... random.

[resonant]

"Energetic" means "not depressed."

[kiezh]

Or at least "good at performing Not Depressed to parental specifications"...

[colorwheel]

it can also mean "not physically sick." the 10 year old apparently "constantly claims sickness." this LW is PROUD to have kids that nobody could associate with sickness of any kind!

[onlysmallwings]

"Energetic" can also mean "involved in too many activities".

Let me count the ways you're wrong

[cereta]

1. You have child who, by death or divorce, lost her nuclear family. Yes, she's going to cling to the living parent/primary parent. You say she's interfering in your life, but what she sees is you cutting into her time her mom.

2. Mom can certainly have a social life of her own, you have to accept that the kid comes first.

3. Have you made any effort to befriend this girl? Maybe join in on the water colors

4. DO NOT MARRY this woman with both a family therapist. Marrying someone whose kid you don't like will not end well.

Re: Let me count the ways you're wrong

[shirou]

YES. I mean, kids are manipulative; LW isn't wrong about that. But that doesn't invalidate their needs or trauma. They use the tools they have.

The daughter may well need some kind of intervention, but I am far more concerned by LW's utter disdain for the child. And he is considering becoming her stepfather? Unimaginable.

[mommy]

When was this letter submitted? I can definitely understand why an anxious child might want her mother to stay home and away from other people during a pandemic. I can also see why she would rather have her mom's dinner delivered instead of seeing her mom go out to eat. From my perspective, the child's behavior seems more sensible than the letter writer's.

Also, how does it take eight months of serious dating a woman to discover that you don't like her daughter? Was the letter writer just ignoring the kid?

[rosefox]

Many single parents don't introduce new SOs to their kids until they're sure it's someone they're pretty serious about, because having adults bounce in and out of kids' lives is bad for the kids.

[lemonsharks]

Genuine advice for the LW:

If you marry this woman, you will be one family. Her daughter will be your daughter. Resentfulness of a ten year old is not going to help your new paternal relationship with her...or your romantic relationship with her mother. Take a good long look at your ability to learn to love this girl, and care for her in the way she needs, without making comparisons to your own kids, as a precondition to proposing. Because if you can't do that, you shouldn't marry her mom.


Hiss and spit arched back puffy tailed me-response for the community:

OH MY ACTUAL GOD. One: LW is a great big whiny baby in the worst sense, and I hate men who can't stand not being the center of attention at all times. HATE. Meanwhile, Mom and daughter's relationship, even filtered through that unreliable narrator, sounds eerily like mine with my mom for the first 20 years of my life, which was not normal and not healthy and which I would not wish on any child.

The person I feel for most here is the ten year old girl. Poor thing deserves better.

[tielan]

Oh, hell no.