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I can't even with this LW
Dear Amy: An old school friend of mine posts often on Facebook. Her updates are mostly upbeat, entertaining, and harmless.
Over a decade ago, both her brother and her father died of unexpected illnesses. A sad situation, of course. Her mother and one remaining sibling are still alive, and they are close.
However, all these years later, she posts about her father and brother on FB regularly, noting, "Today would have been H’s 55th birthday. I can't believe he's gone..." accompanied by pictures, including (depressingly) photos of him in the hospital. Or: "Today marks 10 years since Dad started his treatment -- greatest Dad ever." Again, sad and depressing photos.
She always gets lots of sympathetic reactions to these posts.
Amy, it is exhausting and inappropriate to see these online pity parties of hers. Everyone suffers loss. But no one else I know insists on getting attention for those losses, especially monthly (or more!), so many years after they happened. For everyone else but her, it seems, grief is NOT to be flogged online for everyone else to see.
She is a successful person with a great family and a full life. Her grief over her loss is no more important, or tragic, than the losses we have ALL endured, and yet, continue she does -- and it makes me angry every time.
How can I let her know how utterly inappropriate these posts are?
Grieved-Out
Dear Grieved Out: Facebook’s algorithm kicks into gear each day to remind users of items they originally posted about years ago. If her family members entered the hospital, had a birthday, or passed away and she posted about it then (she obviously did), Facebook will remind her of these events now. She is being regularly triggered, and then she is choosing to share.
I happen to agree with you regarding what feel like beseeching entreaties for virtual hugs on social media.
But – guess what? – other people don’t feel that way. And the true beauty of the freedom of expression that social media platforms offer is this: people can say whatever they want. That includes you.
You seem to want to inspire this person to change her behavior, through some magical statement you might compose. But – if you did that, and she wasn’t too wounded to respond, she might well say (to you): “If you don’t like what I post, then don’t ‘follow’ me!”
If you do choose to admonish her, do so via private message. Be aware, however, that she could then choose to post your statement, inspiring another round of “hugs.”
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2369685?fs
Over a decade ago, both her brother and her father died of unexpected illnesses. A sad situation, of course. Her mother and one remaining sibling are still alive, and they are close.
However, all these years later, she posts about her father and brother on FB regularly, noting, "Today would have been H’s 55th birthday. I can't believe he's gone..." accompanied by pictures, including (depressingly) photos of him in the hospital. Or: "Today marks 10 years since Dad started his treatment -- greatest Dad ever." Again, sad and depressing photos.
She always gets lots of sympathetic reactions to these posts.
Amy, it is exhausting and inappropriate to see these online pity parties of hers. Everyone suffers loss. But no one else I know insists on getting attention for those losses, especially monthly (or more!), so many years after they happened. For everyone else but her, it seems, grief is NOT to be flogged online for everyone else to see.
She is a successful person with a great family and a full life. Her grief over her loss is no more important, or tragic, than the losses we have ALL endured, and yet, continue she does -- and it makes me angry every time.
How can I let her know how utterly inappropriate these posts are?
Grieved-Out
Dear Grieved Out: Facebook’s algorithm kicks into gear each day to remind users of items they originally posted about years ago. If her family members entered the hospital, had a birthday, or passed away and she posted about it then (she obviously did), Facebook will remind her of these events now. She is being regularly triggered, and then she is choosing to share.
I happen to agree with you regarding what feel like beseeching entreaties for virtual hugs on social media.
But – guess what? – other people don’t feel that way. And the true beauty of the freedom of expression that social media platforms offer is this: people can say whatever they want. That includes you.
You seem to want to inspire this person to change her behavior, through some magical statement you might compose. But – if you did that, and she wasn’t too wounded to respond, she might well say (to you): “If you don’t like what I post, then don’t ‘follow’ me!”
If you do choose to admonish her, do so via private message. Be aware, however, that she could then choose to post your statement, inspiring another round of “hugs.”
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2369685?fs
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1a. Nor to talk about them, especially
1a1. on your own facebook (etc)
2. However, it IS inappropriate to tell somebody to stop posting about their beloved family members in their own online space. Yup, just not okay. This WILL ruin your friendship.
3. If you really feel "angry" every time you see a post like that, you either need to seek therapy or defriend this person or both.
3a. After all, it's not like she's dragging an urn everywhere.
4. Thank your lucky stars, and learn to scroll past things you don't like that much but that really don't merit "anger" as a response.
5. Also, one more thing - you don't know why she's posting these things, but it's probably not to "get attention". She probably just feels sad.
5a. LW, if you personally want more attention, you can post the sad pictures of your deceased loved ones as well. You're allowed to do that. Or you can do that if you just feel sad.
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Surely fb has some kind of keyword filtering she could use if she doesn't want to outright mute/unfollow.
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<— doesn’t post about lost loved ones FREQUENTLY, but would drop a “friend” who told me that my sincere grief or sharing a memory of someone I miss is “inappropriate.”
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You can unfollow someone on Facebook without unfriending them. Maybe consider this?
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1) How can I change this person? You can’t.
2) This person posts on Facebook... Unfriend/unfollow.
There’s a third one I always see: This person does a thing I don’t like. Or, How do I find out what this person thinks/feels? People aren’t psychic. Use your words.
These three answers handle so many submissions, columnists should just post them at the top of their page!
There’s another common category of submission, people who’ve been emotionally abused and gaslit. Those questioners I give full empathy for needing to write in. It’s too easy to get totally turned around and confused about what’s normal, and to need someone outside the situation to say, “That’s not right. You should get out.”
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Not to mention, my reactions to their deaths shaped multiple years of my life. Obviously! What, is every event that happened during the year I spent gutted over my dead sister a taboo topic for you now, so-called friend?
Dear LW, you can mute people on Facebook. Do it. And then go soak your head, you selfish, insensitive, clod.
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Like you said, censoring the very existence of people I loved and lost would feel like losing them again, as well as the parts of my life that I shared with them.
(I will occasionally post something emotional about missing them if something specific has it on my mind — especially K, my ex, who died suddenly and young a couple of years ago — but I’m certainly not doing so for “attention” or “hugs,” just being honest that they are in my thoughts.)
I’m so sorry about your Dad and sister :(
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WHY DID NOBODY TEACH YOU THIS IN KINDERGARTEN?
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man this letter pisses me off SO MUCH.