Woman Runs Low on Patience for Friend's Drama-Filled Life

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Kate" has had a lot of trauma in her life, and she feels things very deeply. She has experienced assault, the suicide of a close friend, the death of several family members, discovered she can't have children, and managed to escape an abusive relationship, all in the last five years or so.

Kate does all the things people are supposed to do when coping with grief and is doing very well. The problem is me. I find it hard to be around her because of all the drama. Intellectually, I understand none of this is Kate's fault. She isn't being attention-seeking or deliberately causing drama. But I find myself becoming impatient with her ongoing discussion of feelings. I'm not someone who feels deeply or is easily traumatized. Bad things happen, I get over it and move on. How can I learn to be the patient, caring friend she needs? -- TRYING TO BE A BETTER FRIEND

DEAR TRYING: Quit being so hard on yourself. You are and have been a good friend. It's important that you not allow Kate's burdens to "sink" you. The two of you are very different people, and you should explain that to her as you have to me. If her trauma and drama become more than you can healthfully absorb, step back and tell her you will talk with her later, tomorrow or when it is convenient for you both, which will allow you time to come up for air.

https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2020/6/4/0/woman-runs-low-on-patience-for

Comments

[conuly]

Well, LW certainly should not act as their friend's therapist if that's what's going on, and it's okay to say "I can't take any more of this, let's talk about something else".

But calling it "drama" and suggesting that the real problem is their friend "feels deeply" and is "easily traumatized"? Patting themself on the back for "getting over it and moving on" when "bad things happen"? LW needs to... needs to not.

[cereta]

Yeah, I kind of want to tell LW to distance herself for "Kate's" sake as much as anything. I mean, to label all those horrible things "drama" is...questionable. I've been the person who feels things (sometimes too) deeply while dealing with someone (my mother) who just doesn't. And I have more or less learned to accept this as a difference in personality. But it can add to the emotional weight at times.

[minoanmiss]

Dear LW:

It's ok to not have infinite resources to devote to helping another person. There are ways to draw back a little without a friendship-breakup, ways to make the relationship more structured so you can manage your end in a better way for yourself.

BUT.

Your friend is not having a hard time because of 'drama' but because of misfortune. You may think you're stronger than she is, but don't dare the universe to break you. Separate your need to measure out how much energy you can devote to her from your frustration-borne desire to judge her, for her sake and for yours.

[delight]

Advice was okay to start I guess (admitting a need for boundaries), but I agree that the response should have included that this isn't "drama," Kate has been through hell and survived. Give her more credit.

[likeaduck]

The LW also didn't ask how to walk away, but how to be more patient and caring (emphasis mine):

The problem is me. I find it hard to be around her because of all the drama. Intellectually, I understand none of this is Kate's fault. She isn't being attention-seeking or deliberately causing drama. But I find myself becoming impatient with her ongoing discussion of feelings. I'm not someone who feels deeply or is easily traumatized. Bad things happen, I get over it and move on. How can I learn to be the patient, caring friend she needs?

I kind of read this as this:

I have no tools to recognise or engage with my feelings, so when I have feelings in response to my friend's misfortunes I get agitated when we don't move past them fast enough and I direct this at my friend as impatience for having too many feelings, but I kind of know it's not about her.

Which I would respond to with...idk a bunch of options: therapy maybe, mindfulness, maybe a movement practice, somatics work, journaling, arts-based self-exploration? The point being the focus is on the LW getting to know, recognize, and find coexistence with their own feelings, to then bring into more empathy and emotional capacity--and recognition of their own limits--when spending time with Kate.

It's definitely the long game, but am I reading that para wrong?

[conuly]

Sometimes walking away can help you be more patient and caring - because honestly, it looks like LW is burned out on this. Which happens! But... it's not so helpful for LW or their friend.

[lavendertook]

I agree with you. LW wants to do something about "not feeling deeply". But. LW needs to be working on change because that's who they want to be, not because this is who their friend needs. After all, they haven't said that Kate has any problem with how LW is responding to them now.

And that's the only way to find out if LW is correct in assessing their self as lacking ability to feel deeply, or whether they have found their self someone that pushes beyond their boundaries and LW is defending their self by closing up as a coping strategy they've developed from their own family and past interpersonal dysfunction.

Saying" I don't feel deeply" sounds like the Scarecrow saying he doesn't have a brain and the Tinman claiming to have no heart, so I'm having trouble believing their self-assessment, and think they need therapy to trust themselves more and figure out who they are and what they want before they can figure out how to handle this friendship.

[minoanmiss]

Actually, I think your advice is brilliant, the opposite of reading anything wrong.

[cimorene]

Same. Those things jumped out at me too!

[kiezh]

Hmm. I can see commenters' points that a) LW is using pretty judgy language and should stop, and also b) LW thinks they should be able to Feel Differently and that says something about their relationship with and ability to acknowledge their own feelings, but my actual advice would be...

Figure out what you and Kate actually enjoy talking about and doing together, and focus your interactions on those things. She's your friend, you like her, you want to be a good friend, you feel overwhelmed and exhausted by needing to react to and process Bad Stuff - the solution to all this is to come up with some scripts and redirects (e.g. "I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed by everything wrong in the world, can we talk about fun things like [fandom we share]? I could use some low-stress friend time.") to get your conversations away from the Bad Stuff and into less exhausting territory.

Doing this is not only good for you, redirecting from impatient "ugh more bad stuff" to "having fun with Kate", it's also an excellent way to be a friend and be a positive presence in Kate's life. Maybe she is very very tired of always having to process grief and manage trauma and deal with the world being shitty? Maybe it would be a huge relief if she could rely on you, LW, to be a fun low-stress friend who is a reliably good time?

(Like, from personal experience, sometimes when you are very depressed and everything sucks, taking time out to do some gaming with a friend who is willing to let things be light and silly and NOT all about your shitty life and its shittiness can be a real lifeline. Emotional heart-to-hearts have their place in friendship! So do wacky antics that have nothing to do with anything important.)

[likeaduck]

Yes! But also I find being more in touch with what's going on feelings-wise helps with being able to be like "whew okay I'm actually at my limit for Big Sad Feels today, do you feel like showing me how to make that recipe you posted last weekend?" without getting to the point of impatience first.

[kiezh]

Yeah, I think you were right that the "impatience" is at least partly "this conversation is making me Feel Bad and I don't have any tools to handle that except moving right along and pretending it didn't happen." And there's some guilt there about not being able to be endlessly supportive and compassionate, too, maybe feeling like setting a boundary means they aren't Being There for Kate and are therefore a Bad Friend.

Probably some exploration of that would be a good idea for LW! Therapy, journaling, whatever works. In the context of friendship-with-Kate, though, I think deliberately staying away from the Feelings Talks would be a good call, at least for a while. Reaffirm why they're friends in the first place, and do the feelings explorations in a different space.

[likeaduck]

Yeah, I think it's kind of "what to right now with kate" and "what to do so this doesn't keep happening" and both can/should happen and will inform each other.

[ashbet]

As someone who has been through Some Serious Shit, both in my life and my daughter's (we have a serious illness that causes a lot of health complications, on top of financial stresses, divorces, my abusive parent, and assault), I honestly *appreciate* friends who are willing to redirect the conversation to something fluffier -- when I'm really anxious and upset, I can wind up "looping" back to the stressful subject, and some gentle attempts to change the conversation can be helpful.

(Sometimes, I know I'm spiraling but am really struggling to stop.)

I'm not a high-drama person, I'm actually generally laid-back, cheerful, and would like peace and contentedness in my life . . . but I've experienced some misfortunes that are hard to bounce back from quickly.

Now, if I had a friend who NEVER had time for me to talk about issues that affected me deeply, I wouldn't consider them a very close friend -- but, honestly, having friendly acquaintances or outer-circle friends who share some of my interests and are willing to talk about books or hobby stuff or music, or go to a movie or concert together, are valuable, too.

I think a combination of working on empathy (and removing the word "drama" from the LW's vocabulary, where genuine life traumas are concerned), and focusing on doing things with Kate that they both enjoy, would do a lot to make the friendship more pleasant for all concerned.