Ask Amy: Husband Hates When Wife Vents About Her Day

[madripoor_rose]

Cut for length.



DEAR AMY: my wife has two part time jobs. She works in retail marketing and she also works as a tutor for an ACT/SAT test prep service.

I'm concerned about what happens when she gets home. She will oftentimes go on and on about details regarding her co-workers and their lives away from the store. Or she will cite specific details about things that are happening in her workplace or what is going on with the students she's tutoring.

I feel this is truly none of my business. I think she's compromising these people's right to privacy. It is just totally inappropriate and a betrayal of the trust these co-workers, companies, and families have put in her.

I've asked her many times not to share this information, but she looks upon it as merely venting her frustrations of her respective positions. She also feels that since I am her spouse, it is perfectly fine to tell me things, confidential or not.

Amy, do you have any thoughts on this? Is it fair that these people who put their trust in her are being betrayed behind their backs?

~FINGERS IN MY EARS ARE NOT ENOUGH.

DEAR FINGERS: Your wife no doubt thinks of her behavior as the answer to the question, "How was your day, honey?"

You are implying that she is sharing proprietary information about her co-workers, clients, and the students she is tutoring, but you don't present any specific evidence that her recitation is anything more than telling you stuff about her work and the people she works for and works with.

This sounds like a Mars/Venus situation to me. In a stereotypical example, a woman tries to create intimacy by 'sharing' or 'venting' while the man is more comfortable 'advising'.

I agree that your wife should be circumspect about her young tutoring clients, but telling you what they are like or describing their challenges(for instance) doesn't sound like a breach of confidence, to me.

If your wife is violating her business' or her clients' legal and proprietary information, then yes, she should stop. If she is telling you about the people she is working with or describing her current workplace challenges and triumphs, then you should not shut her down.

It sounds as if you are sick of listening to your wife talk. But that's another issue altogether.

Comments

[torachan]

LOL Because guys never gossip or vent about their problems with their coworkers/clients. *headdesk*

[shirou]

I agree with Amy, the confidentiality issue is probably a smoke screen.

In any relationship - romantic or not - one needs to strike a balance between sharing/venting and not using the other person as a verbal/emotional dumping ground. If the wife is droning on and on and the husband has his fingers in his ears, then neither spouse is being very considerate of the other. They should have an honest discussion about their respective needs, and maybe they can reach a point where she can vent, he can genuinely listen, and then they can move on.

[cereta]

It's possible that the husband is uncomfortable hearing about these people's actions, etc, although I think pretty much all of us who work in situations like that have a spousal exemption (I mean, not with everything, obviously). And if these are things that affect the wife's experience of her work on a given day, saying, "it's none of my business" hits me wrong: it's your wife's day. That's your business.

There's a fine line between telling about your day and violating your professional ethics, but it sounds like this guy just doesn't want to hear anything.

[amadi]

"It's none of my business" sounds like the rationalization this guy came up with after some thinking about how to get out of listening to stories about his wife's work and co-workers that disinterest him. He doesn't care about the things his wife experiences all day, and that seems to be to indicate a pretty big problem.