Dear Abby: I read my mother's diary

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I recently found a notebook of my mom's. On the outside cover it said, "Disclaimer: Do Not Open Unless You're Me!" Being the curious soul that I am, I opened it despite the disclaimer.

As I flipped through the pages, I learned many things about my mom that I didn't know, like her faith in God and how the things that happened in her life molded her into who she is today. I stopped at the page titled, "The Summer of 10th Grade." As I read it, I learned the truth about how I was conceived. Written in capital letters were the words "I WAS RAPED." It felt like the world had stopped. I had no clue.

I'd always assumed Mom got pregnant at 16 because she made stupid decisions, but I was wrong. I could never imagine how my mom could get through a day without looking at me as a reminder of what happened to her.

Where do I go from here? Should I confront her about it? I have no one to talk to, so I hope you can give me some advice. -- CHILD OF RAPE

DEAR CHILD: I'm glad you wrote, because it gives me an opportunity to point out that if you hadn't been wanted, your mother had other alternatives. If you had no clue, it's because you are the daughter she loves, and I'm sure you have been a source of much joy in her life.

If you feel the need to discuss this with her, then you should. Because she left the notebook in a place where it could be discovered, she may have subconsciously wanted it to be found.

Comments

AUUUGGHHH

[cereta]

Can we please, please, please get past this idea that if you don't keep your diary in a camouflaged, lead-lined safe with three locks, it's just fine and ducky if you read it? You know, that book that is designed for people to write private thoughts, and that in this case specifically said not to read it? I lived half my adolescence with my stomach in knots, because I had to write, and because my brothers and sister made it perfectly clear that anything they found would be read,and by "found," they meant in my backpack, on my bed, in my drawers...I am so sick of "pros" like Abby encouraging people to read things that aren't theirs to read.

[ellen_fremedon]

Also, what utopia does Abby live in where if you hadn't been wanted, your mother had other alternatives is any kind of given?

[likeaduck]

This.

[rymenhild]

No, the letter-writer shouldn't have read the diary. However... it sounds like s/he is quite young, and very probably raised by a single parent. Finding out that you're a child of rape is a traumatic discovery. I don't think the LW should be made to feel bad about having made this discovery, nor do I think it's healthy to keep this secret if it is possible for LW to talk to mom about it.

[cereta]

You know, I would have been happy if Abby had just ignored the diary issue altogether. But to encourage her readers to think that if something isn't super-secret hidden, the writer much somehow want others to read it, makes me feel literally, physically sick to my stomach and throws my anxiety into overdrive. Because I've lived in that kind of situation, and to this day, I don't trust my brother with anything. ANYTHING, in part because to this day, he doesn't get what the big deal was.

[minoanmiss]

How young is too young to respect other people's privacy, though? I do think if LW is old enough to read they are old enough to know better than to read a diary.

That doesn't negate that they also could use a big hug for discovering something pretty traumatic, and I really hope they can hug their mom and thank her for raising and loving them regardless of the circumstances of their xconception. (And I hope this also jars that snotty little "I assumed she got pregnant by making bad decisions" out of their head.)

[abbylee]

Wow, this advice is just so fucking terrible all around. Every single piece of it, from saying that the mother had other options to saying that the mom must have wanted her to find out this way. And where is the recommendation to find someone else to talk to, too?