Husband tricks wife into baby name she hates

[beable]

Today in the dept of "Wow"

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I recently had our second child, and already have a toddler. We struggled with thinking of a name for our second child and went to the hospital each with a first-choice name and no agreement between us. He very much wanted to name our child after a family member, but it was a name I strongly dislike, so I said no repeatedly through the pregnancy. He asked me again shortly after the baby was born, and in a haze of hormones and drugs, I agreed. Within a few hours I regretted this, and he told me to just wait and see how I felt in a few days. In the meantime, he told everyone in his family the new name, including the person the baby is named after. I felt we couldn’t change the name without me being the bad guy.

It’s been six weeks now, and I still hate the name. I try my hardest to never say it. I don’t see any way to really change the name now, and there’s nothing objectively wrong with the name itself. I don’t know if this is some weird postpartum hormones, a pandemic, parenting two little kids … but I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m resentful and angry at my otherwise great spouse. Would love your thoughts on how to move past this.

—Name Regrets

Dear NR,

I think that was a real dick move on your husband’s part, and he did take advantage of you. You’re allowed to be angry. Regardless of what you do regarding the name, you need to talk about how this went down, how you feel steamrolled by his behavior, and that you would like an acknowledgment and ideally an apology. I guarantee he knows he pulled a fast one, and you do not want to begin your journey as parents together without establishing that you’re a team, and he let the team down at a very fragile moment. I would bring it up on a good day when you feel emotionally stable and able to have a difficult conversation.

As to changing the name, it’s not impossible, so you do not have to completely take that off the table. The baby doesn’t know what his name is. I do suspect that once you have been honest and processed your feelings with your husband, the name will be less of a burden to you. Is there a short form of the name you like better? A nickname that won’t make your teeth itch? That’s probably your best path forward.

I’m very sorry this tainted your memory of what should have been a very beautiful, if hazy time. I hope that soon this name will be no more than the name of your very beloved baby, and I think that’s a very possible outcome. You’ll just have to see.

Comments

[cereta]

Why, WHY do people do this? I mean, I pretty emphatically wanted to name any hypothetical boy children after my father, but if my partner had really, truly hated it, we would have found an alternative. Why would you want to give your child a name their other parent hated?

I wonder if maybe the middle name might be salvageable, here. It would allow the honored party to remain honored while giving the mother something to call the child.

[minoanmiss]

It amazes me, the things people will do to those they publicly swore to love and cherish.

[eva_rosen]

My grandmother's second husband did the same with my younger uncle, except worse, because he named the baby after himself when the rest of the family had agreed on another name and firmly told him no. Though my uncle's legal name is that of his father, he always went with the name he was supposed to have and nobody has called him anything else (his father didn't dare after my grandmother found out what he'd done).

[lavendertook]

It's almost like they think the child is their property, their exclusive property, except that you need to scratch the "almost like".

[laurajv]

“otherwise great spouse” hmm no, he’s not, though. I mean. He’s just not. This is the literal exact controlling bullcrap my abusive father, and my brother’s abusive wife, liked to pull. My read on this is that he’s testing how far he can go down Emotional Abuse Highway.

[cynthia1960]

This is a very bad sign indeed.

[cimorene]

Exactly. This is a personality trait and there's a 0% chance that this is his only infraction over the years when he clearly thinks his opinion deserves more weight and that manipulation in order to get his way is fine and dandy. Those simply aren't characteristics you find in a great partner.

[ayebydan]

When your local lockdown ect is over divorce him. Hopefully, the child has a middle name you can use. I know many people who use their middle name. My aunt Audrey is technically named Charlotte after her mother and yet yer own mother never called her that. If not, straight up give the kid another name and consign the legal name to nothing but paperwork.

[cereta]

I use my middle name, and not even the middle name my parents gave me, but one I chose in my late 20s. I never liked my first name, hated the most common derivative (which was what I was called), and had been using said middle name online and increasingly socially for a while. I was honestly surprised at how willing people were to change what they called me (especially given how nearly-impossible it had been to lose the derivative).

[cereta]

Absolutely agreed.

[ayebydan]

Honestly as a society, we need to get better at this but I am so glad to hear it went smoothly for you for the most part. We don't blink when women* in anglo western countries change their name upon marriage. My mum changed my name to my step dad's when she got married and while people were confused for a while they got used to it. I've grinded people down into not using the full version of my name, Samantha, so that I can use the gender neutral Sam. But it should be easier. For this fam, I'd love if Mom can get to a point where she can say 'yeah X named baby after Y but we call them Z now'

[cereta]

I think in some weird way, it was easier for people to make a complete change-over than to go from one version to another. Of course, the willingness (and social expectation) to do so helped. My family has never really cared that I don't like the name they call me by. My mother at least uses the full version of the name she gave me, which is, I think, reasonable, although I would probably feel differently if my reason for changing my name was anything more profound than "I just like 'Lucy' better." But yes, overall, we need to get better about that sort of thing.

[lemonsharks]

This got an immediate hiss and spit reaction from me.

The only acceptable outcome that doesn't involve divorcing the bastard is legally changing the child's name, and husband dealing with 100% of the fallout.

[melissatreglia]

Oh, look, LW! It's a parade!