agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Approaching the heavy wooden doors of a local university building, my husband and I were a few feet behind a man in a wheelchair who bypassed the door-opening button. My 84-year-old husband said, “I will get the door.”

The man addressed us with profane language, grabbed the door handle, jerked it open, and proceeded down a hall. He then yelled, “Yeah, help the d___ handicapped man.”

We were stunned. Should we not have tried to assist him?

GENTLE READER: Just what the world needs now: more people trying to stamp out the little courtesy that is left.

Opening a door for someone else, for whatever reason -- they have their hands full, you got there first -- is not an insult. By taking it as such, the person to whom you deferred is only making life more unpleasant for himself and everyone else.

https://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2020/4/13/1/customer-frustrated-by-noncommunicative-businesses

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Assuming that this is exactly what happened and LW didn't skip some important details, Wheelchair Man was in the wrong - but LW's husband wasn't in the right. Jumping in front of somebody to open a door sounds like a really bad idea, and one that could potentially cause an accident. Plus, since this guy had already skipped the accessible button it doesn't sound like he thought he needed the help (and clearly he didn't!)

LW's husband could've asked rather than assuming, and Miss Manners should've pointed that out.

WM was not in the wrong in my eyes. Disabled people are often one fuse away from snapping and it happens this guy got it. You never state to a disabled person that you will do something. Ask. So Can I get the door?. Then the person can say nah, I got it or yeah that helps.

But MM answer is horrific. At best, ignorant of the situation of ANYONE who can open a door themselves and is aware of what an offering COULD be in any moment and at worst, straight up ableist.

I don't believe we're getting the whole story from the LW for one second.

I do think that any disabled person is more than justified in rejecting unsolicited "help" - forcibly if necessary.

I don't believe we're getting the whole story from the LW for one second.

I don't know. I myself once got cursed out for doing nothing more than asking somebody who'd been leaning against a fence for over 60 seconds "Are you all right?" (or maybe I said "Do you need help?" but either way, the phrasing was fairly innocuous).

I think it is very likely that LW has left a few pertinent details out, but there's a slim chance that they're not.

As someone who has been using a wheelchair for 10 years now, and who has frequently received insistent and often dangerous offers of "help" that showed a lack of understanding of basic physics,

I don't think LW is telling the whole story.

One thing people often do is stand IN the doorway while opening the door - which makes it impossible to get through.

Edited 2020-04-13 08:51 (UTC)

I'm 100% positive that people in wheelchairs get extremely sick of people opening doors for them, or attempting to do so, in ways that are actually inconvenient, because it's such an inevitable part of their experience that they are unavoidably going to see all these interactions as a pattern because they are a pattern.

Infantilization of people in wheelchairs is a huge issue that negatively affects their safety and legal rights as well as regularly insulting them, so I can't really blame the guy, or anyone in his position, for taking offense.

Imagine a black person who a white stranger rushes up to and tries to give them money, assuming that they're on the sidewalk because they're begging when there was no indication they weren't just on their way to work or waiting for someone to come out of the shop. Obviously analogies are imperfect, but my point is that if a member of an actively oppressed group is categorically unwilling to be the bigger person and assume good intentions simply because a perfect stranger from the majority group took a polite tone for an unsolicited interaction... they're perfectly within their rights to do so and they likely have logic on their side.

I'm not saying that everyone who does this DOES have bad motives; people are opening doors for wheelchair users so often that they can't possibly all do it counterproductively or while assuming the wheelchair user's hands don't work. And I'm not saying the guy wasn't potentially making life less pleasant for himself; if he took the opposite position and assumed the best of everyone he would at least get angry less often, which might be good for his blood pressure or quality of life. But I can't blame him for his attitude, either.

My dad is a power chair user and his approach is pretty much just to ignore it and assume the best as far as possible. But, on the other hand, I had a classmate who used a manual chair a few years ago and observed his behavior on a variety of activities and trips, and his approach was to remain calm and deadpan but to always say quickly, sometimes before people spoke if he had a good idea they were about to offer, "No, I want to do it myself" or "Thanks, but I'm doing it" - or if it was already too late to just say thanks and go along.

Reasons I think this LW is not acting in good faith, and doesn't really want an education, just to be told that they were In The Right so they can feel righteously indignant at that Rude Man:

WTF does Miss Manners know about disability, wheelchairs, or the manners and issues associated with Being Visibly Disabled In The World? Jack shit, as this answer demonstrates.

You know what LW and their husband could have done if they actually cared about finding out what went wrong? Googled "is it rude to hold a door for a wheelchair user" or something similar. I just did so and found this link as the first result:

https://dearally.com/2019/07/23/12-when-should-i-hold-the-door-for-someone-using-a-wheelchair/

On a quick skim-through, that answer seems much more thorough and useful, and it was right there on the internet where I found it in 5 seconds. I wish Miss Manners had understood her own limits and done a little research.

(For context, I am not a wheelchair user but I am a disabled person with mobility issues, and I have a couple decades of built-up frustration over abled people being presumptuous and patronizing and then demanding that I soothe their hurt feelings over having gotten something wrong. So it's a hot-button issue.)

For context, in 10 years of using a wheelchair

people often stand in the doorway or too close to the doorway while holding it open
and then act angry or disbelieving when I say I don't have enough room to get through

also sometimes people who do you a "favour" pat you painfully hard on the shoulder/arm/hand which can be dangerously distracting and also flare up chronic pain for days

There's nothing wrong with ASKING "Would you like me to get the door?"

but it should always be a QUESTION, not a statement.

As a part-time wheelchair user, I can say that I’ve been kicked, had my feet painfully tripped-over, my back jolted, and have been almost pushed backward down ramps by people rushing to open doors without asking if I need help.

(I’m generally happy to have a door opened if someone ASKS rather than jumping in front of me, because it IS often a struggle, but this is a real problem with wheelchair etiquette, along with people grabbing the handles of the chair to “help.”)

There isn’t enough info in the letter to know whether the wheelchair user was overreacting in cussing out the OP’s husband, but the polite thing for the abled folks would have been to ASK if he would like a hand with the door.

Do you mind if I excerpt the first two sentences and crosspost them in the comments there, crediting them to "somebody I know"? Those comments are heavy on "who has time to ask? you don't have to ask to be kind!!!!!" and very, very lacking in perspectives from the very people with experience here.

Please, feel free! :)

And done!

Part time scooter user, full time walking stick user here, +1000

As a full-time wheelchair user, I have been subjected to much of that plus Awkward Ways To Open more times than I can count. Standing in the way, or standing inside while trying to open a door outward, or the fucking arm bridge thing. And occasionally people trying to help push me through, which does nothing since I'm in a power chair but could possibly injure me if they'd been successful.

Asking is good, but assuming, not so much. And there's at least even odds that the LW was the sort of person to radiate smug superiority about being "helpful".

I am very disappointed in Miss Manners.

I've found the "winning" comment:

Sometimes, sure, but really, we don’t all have time to multiple times daily confer with others to establish that they’d not mind receiving our kindness.</i. Well, if you don't have a few seconds to ask "Do you need help?" then you sure don't have time to, um, "be kind". If that's really what you're doing here.

Three snaps up.

Damn, I realize now I screwed my close italics tag.

+1000

'ask don't grab' is a saying many friends I have who use chairs use often.

Or plain just ask. Throwing yourself into the situation and ASSUMING a person needs help is not good and can be insulting.

This could all have been avoided by having some patience and saying 'Can I get that door for you?'

Person then says 'Thanks but I've got it'.

I am wondering if someone should write to Miss Manners about her completely wwrong answer here.

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