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Dear Amy: I wish I could undo some of the terrible mistakes I've made.
My daughter hasn't spoken to me in years.
When she was very young, I divorced her dad and moved hundreds of miles away. I married a man with two sons and a parenting method that I didn't agree with, but I felt trapped with him -- the way I'd felt trapped with her dad. We were together for 10 years.
I waited until after my daughter graduated from high school, and then I separated from her stepfather. It was very difficult to live on my own and we ended up getting back together. It was more out of convenience than anything.
When I told my daughter that I was getting back together with him, she blew up and told me that her stepbrother had drugged and raped her several times. I was in complete shock! She has not spoken to me since then.
I think about her every day. I stalk her on Facebook (with an unrecognizable profile) just so I can see her life. I can't be a part of her life because she has blocked me. This estrangement breaks my 83-year-old mother's heart, and I would like to see us all together again.
-- Regretful
Dear Regretful: If you want your relationships to change, then you need to change. It's really that simple. Although you admit to having regrets, you don't seem to have taken responsibility for the role you played in your daughter's trauma. Your reaction to her disclosure that she was raped while in your household was to express shock, and then passively sigh -- and continue on to reunite with your ex.
Are you not aware that the best thing to do when someone reports a rape is to call the police? (And people wonder why assault victims hesitate to report!)
Yes, you've made mistakes. Admitting this is definitely a step in the right direction, but you don't get to claim victimhood, here. Until you take responsibility for your parental neglect, passivity, and terrible judgment, you cannot hope for a reconciliation. Even your Facebook-stalking seems to me more melodrama than the action of a mother desperate to make things right. You are not Stella Dallas standing in the rain, wistfully watching your daughter through a window. You are not the victim of her blocking you. There are many ways -- other than Facebook -- to contact someone, however, until you can commit to positive change, it is probably wisest for your daughter to keep her distance.
A compassionate and competent counselor could walk you through the events in your life that have culminated in this moment. With coaching and positive change, the reconciliation you desire might be possible. I hope you will try.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2346301?fs
My daughter hasn't spoken to me in years.
When she was very young, I divorced her dad and moved hundreds of miles away. I married a man with two sons and a parenting method that I didn't agree with, but I felt trapped with him -- the way I'd felt trapped with her dad. We were together for 10 years.
I waited until after my daughter graduated from high school, and then I separated from her stepfather. It was very difficult to live on my own and we ended up getting back together. It was more out of convenience than anything.
When I told my daughter that I was getting back together with him, she blew up and told me that her stepbrother had drugged and raped her several times. I was in complete shock! She has not spoken to me since then.
I think about her every day. I stalk her on Facebook (with an unrecognizable profile) just so I can see her life. I can't be a part of her life because she has blocked me. This estrangement breaks my 83-year-old mother's heart, and I would like to see us all together again.
-- Regretful
Dear Regretful: If you want your relationships to change, then you need to change. It's really that simple. Although you admit to having regrets, you don't seem to have taken responsibility for the role you played in your daughter's trauma. Your reaction to her disclosure that she was raped while in your household was to express shock, and then passively sigh -- and continue on to reunite with your ex.
Are you not aware that the best thing to do when someone reports a rape is to call the police? (And people wonder why assault victims hesitate to report!)
Yes, you've made mistakes. Admitting this is definitely a step in the right direction, but you don't get to claim victimhood, here. Until you take responsibility for your parental neglect, passivity, and terrible judgment, you cannot hope for a reconciliation. Even your Facebook-stalking seems to me more melodrama than the action of a mother desperate to make things right. You are not Stella Dallas standing in the rain, wistfully watching your daughter through a window. You are not the victim of her blocking you. There are many ways -- other than Facebook -- to contact someone, however, until you can commit to positive change, it is probably wisest for your daughter to keep her distance.
A compassionate and competent counselor could walk you through the events in your life that have culminated in this moment. With coaching and positive change, the reconciliation you desire might be possible. I hope you will try.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2346301?fs
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