Woman Insists That Her Husband Give Up Letters From Late Wife

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: My husband, Charlie, and I have been married for seven years. We are in our mid-60s. This is the second marriage for both of us. He was widowed some years before we met. We have a good marriage. He is sweet and caring, but one issue causes friction between us. It's about letters he and his late wife exchanged.

They were high school sweethearts. She kept all the letters he sent her when he was away in college, and after she died, he wanted to keep them. It bothers me that he's still attached to them. Whenever we talk about the subject and I ask him to dispose of them, he gets defensive, says he doesn't understand why it bothers me and accuses me of being unreasonable. He says I don't even let him have a picture of his late wife among our family pictures around the house. My first marriage was very troubled, and I never wanted a picture of my late husband. But Charlie's was a happy one.

Am I unreasonable, or is it time to let the past stay in the past, as painful as it might be to detach from objects that were an intimate part of his previous marriage? -- REASONING IN ILLINOIS

DEAR REASONING: Why have you not accepted that Charlie had a life before fate intervened, took his wife and you entered the picture? People who had miserable first marriages -- as yours was -- often choose not to remarry. Charlie is who he is in part because of his happy marriage to his first wife. You are making a mistake by competing with her. Stop insisting that he get rid of the old letters, which hold great sentimental value for him. And if he would like to display a photo of his late wife, quit giving him heartburn. She's part of his history, and it's his house, too.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2339924

Comments

[cynthia1960]

Advice is on the money here. LW is being hella unreasonable.

[ashbet]

LW, YOU ARE JEALOUS OF A DEAD WOMAN. And you’re hurting the husband you claim to love.

Get over yourself and stop obsessing over the fact that “your man” loved and lost someone before he met you.

[darjeeling]

Wow. "Am I in the wrong for being a cold, heartless, spiteful bitch?"

UM YES, YOU ARE WRONG.

[fox]

They were high school sweethearts and he was widowed (let's say) 15 years ago at (let's say) 50? Lady, he was married to her longer than he's known you existed.

Five points out of ten for not getting rid of the letters herself, which it seems like a disproportionate number of advice column letter writers would have done, but minus several million for otherwise complete lack of human compassion.

[shirou]

Emily Yoffe married a widower and, when she was writing Dear Prudence, wrote a lovely column on how to make a place for her husband’s memories.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html

[cynthia1960]

That is lovely.

[ambyr]

That was a good read, thank you.

My partner's late partner's self-portrait hangs in his bedroom; I cannot imagine asking him to take it down.