Dear Abby: Twin dilemma

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I recently was invited to a surprise 50th-birthday party for my twin sister. Her husband had a family dinner that included all my siblings.

When my brother-in-law invited me, he said my sister didn't want a big party, but he wanted to celebrate our birthdays with this special dinner. I was delighted to attend, but I must admit I was a little hurt when the celebration turned out to be strictly for my sister. My name wasn't on the cake, and only she blew out the candles and opened gifts. (I did receive two cards.)

I know the party was given for her, and I was a gracious guest, but as her twin, I felt awkward and ignored. Am I being overly sensitive, or were they just rude? -- TROUBLED TWIN

DEAR TROUBLED TWIN: Oh, my. I don't think your brother-in-law was being rude. But in light of the fact that you and your sister were womb mates, you were treated with incredible insensitivity.

Comments

[cereta]

This is a head-scratcher for me, and I think a lot of it depends on what the BiL actually said. Did he say he wanted to celebrate "their" birthdays? If so, the result was unconscionably rude. Or, did he say he wanted to celebrate his wife's birthday, and the LW assumed that because they are twins and because it was a family affair, it would obviously be for both of them? That is a much stickier wicket.

On the one hand, if you're inviting the whole family and mutual friends, you're putting the LW in an awkward position. Are these people going to want to attend another party a few days/week later? Surely she deserves a celebration for the big 5-0. OTOH, as someone who is not a twin, but frequently shared birthday celebrations with a sibling, I wonder if the sister had ever expressed some frustration at always having to share. If so, the BiL was still being problematic (see above re:second party) and also not communicating very well, but I have a little more sympathy for him.

[recessional]

Yeah, I run into "what was actually SAID, what did everyone assume everyone knew, what are the known and ongoing issues?" I've known twins who explicitly hated any assumption that just because they were twins they wanted joint-parties/joint-celebrations/etc, you know? Who really truly resented the idea that they were anything other than siblings who shared a birth-date, and would look seriously askance at the idea that a husband would be required to include a s-i-l in his WIFE's party.

Annnd then I've known twins who related to it otherwise. Sooo.

[vass]

I'm wondering who in the family, if anyone, normally organises family get-togethers, and where they're held. And if that's changed recently because of deaths or divorces or downsizing or whatever.

It seems like, if only two people brought a card for LW, then everyone else did get the message that the party was just for the sister, not for both twins. Which makes sense, since normally if a surprise party has two guests of honour, you don't tell one of them what is going on and not the other.

I'm also wondering how her sister felt about it, and what their relationship's like usually.