Husband’s road rage driving you to divorce?

[conuly]

DEAR NATALIE: My husband seems to think it is OK to run red lights. There have been five instances in the last week where he gunned it through red lights as they changed from yellow. He goes through periods like this where his driving is very aggressive. He coaches a girls' sport in the summer and his driving after games is terrible. If there is a loss, he takes it out in his driving and on other drivers. When I protest, he tells me to shut up. I am at the end of my rope and don’t even want to go anywhere with him. I can say something, but it is going to make it worse. I just want some pointers so I don't end up divorced over this. -- PASSIVE PASSENGER

DEAR PASSIVE PASSENGER: This doesn’t sound like a driving problem, this sounds like a anger management issue that he is channeling through his driving. Look, we all have our moments. We yell at a driver in front of us when we are really frustrated about work. We gun through a light because we are running late and feeling entitled. We take our aggression, anxiety and frustration out on the road and the people on it because it is safe. Everyone is in their cars. We can yell and never see someone again. We feel empowered in our anger in these moments. And where does it get us? Heart rate goes up, feelings intensify, and we rarely get where we are going any faster.

I would have this conversation with your husband again but not in the car. Do not do this when you are both in the vehicle and he is more likely to verbally accost you. Being told to shut up is disrespectful and unnecessary. I would wait until he is in a calmer head space and bring this up, focusing on how his yelling made you feel.

You could say something like this: “I want to talk about how your driving is impacting me and everyone around us. Telling me to ‘shut up’ the other day was hurtful and has been weighing on me. I love you, and I’m worried that you are angry about something other than driving. Can we talk about what is really bothering you?”

If he refuses to discuss it, tell him you aren’t going to be in the car while he’s driving until he opens up, and he isn’t going to be driving with your kids, either. It sounds harsh, but he is putting other people in danger, not just himself. Stick to your principles and wait. He may come around. If he does decide to tell you what is going on, just listen. Do not interject. Allow him to express himself, then work towards a solution together. You are on the same team, not adversaries and he needs to know that when he is hurting, you both are.

https://www.uexpress.com/ask-natalie/2020/3/4/happily-married-but-have-feelings-for

Comments

[conuly]

Well, this isn't a healthy dynamic at all, LW. One or both of you needs counseling. If this is the only issue, and it really only comes up occasionally, then it's him. If this happens all the time and he frequently disrespects you in this manner even when not under extreme stress, then it's you - with an eye towards getting out.

Either way, don't get into a car with him at all until his little tantrums are resolved. You're putting your life in his hands, and he doesn't seem to value it very highly.

Edit: BTW, I don't think either LW or Natalie gave sufficient weight to the fact that Hubby tells LW to "shut up" when they ask him to follow the freaking law and some basic safety protocols when driving, and that then that "makes it worse". I'm leaning strongly towards "LW is the one who needs the therapy and the exit plan" here. The driving is likely the very tip of the iceberg.

[oursin]

I'm a bit concerned about those girls whose sport he's coaching, too...

[conuly]

Oh, yes.

[legionseagle]

Golly, yes. I bet he's a nightmare to them if they've lost or not won by enough or in sufficient style. Also, it doesn't sound like "anger management" as an issue, more being a bully who thinks the people around him are lesser so don't deserve not being subjected to his tantrums. I bet he wouldn't do it if it were someone he wanted to impress in the car.

[cimorene]

True, but people still generally refer to that issue as 'anger management', as long as they act like a bully only when they're angry and when calm are quite different. I wouldn't be surprised if he's just acting like this whenever he's irritated by surroundings at the game. Natalie's assumption that there must be some underlying dissatisfaction that if solved could make him a peaceful person seems to betray way too little understanding of assholes like this.

[legionseagle]

Yes, I agree; I think we're on the same page here in that I think the most likely explanation is that he likes the status quo, so that there is no mutually acceptable solution.

[cimorene]

Yeah, same.

Though it's possible an ultimatum like the one suggested could motivate him to want to change, if he knows she's serious.

[heavenscalyx]

Find a good divorce lawyer now, because you're gonna need one.

[edenfalling]

I had a coach like that in high school. Very nice guy, very encouraging, good sense of humor... until the ambient stress level crossed some invisible line and suddenly he was red-faced and screaming. He used to throw things to express his anger, and once spun around and hurled a clipboard without looking and missed those of us sitting on the bench by about one foot, max. It was, to say the least, somewhat unnerving.

My coach did make some effort to shape up after the clipboard incident (and also after he got red-carded out of a couple games), but he still got fired after the end of that season. It sounds like the husband in this letter isn't making even minimal attempts to change his ways despite his wife's expressed discomfort. That is not a good sign, and honestly, I hope he gets fired from his coaching gig (and possibly "fired" from his marriage as well).

[kutsuwamushi]

He sounds like the type of man who won't let her drive, too.

[melissatreglia]

He's a danger behind the wheel. He could get somebody killed!

LW, just DTFMA. No husband should ever tell his wife to shut up when she reminds him he needs to obey the law.