minoanmiss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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agonyaunt2020-02-28 11:10 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-02-28 11:10 am
Dear Prudence: My boyfriend is a vigilante
Dear Prudence,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for nine months, and he’s kind, gentle, and thoughtful. But last week I had an experience that has given me pause. My apartment building has been hit by burglars several times over the past few months. Last week, my boyfriend and I came home and were surprised by a burglar coming out of my apartment door. My boyfriend confronted him, and the burglar charged at him—whether to push past or attack, it’s hard to say. My boyfriend quickly subdued the burglar and told me to call 9-1-1.
Here’s where it gets disturbing. He very calmly told the burglar, “Now it’s time for you to learn your lesson.” And he proceeded to beat the man unconscious, deaf to my protests that he should stop. My boyfriend handled the police (I didn’t contradict him) such that they were ready to pin a medal on him. The burglar left in an ambulance. My boyfriend’s capacity for violence came as a total, and disturbing, surprise—even more for the fact that he was not in a rage; it was deliberate and methodical. But I am not sure how to raise my concerns with him. It would come off as cheeky caviling to basically say, “I don’t like the way you defended me and my property from a criminal.” How can I talk about this with him? Am I wrong to find this scary and worrisome?
—Vigilante Boyfriend
So many questions this week can be summed up as: “Am I wrong to have this [perfectly normal reaction to a horrifying situation]?” The good news: You are not wrong! The bad news: This is extremely scary and worrisome. There are a number of very good reasons that the standard punishment for burglary is not “a public beating into unconsciousness.” This isn’t Daredevil—your boyfriend isn’t the only thing standing between a desperate city and total anarchy. Once the burglar had been subdued and you had called 9-1-1, your boyfriend’s violence was not to protect you but for his own enjoyment. That he was able to “handle” the police after beating someone into unconsciousness suggests a capacity for deception and calculation that should trouble you deeply. Not only do I think you should leave him, I think you should share your side of the story with the police. What your boyfriend committed was a crime. The fact that the man he beat up had just committed a (non-violent) crime of his own is irrelevant.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for nine months, and he’s kind, gentle, and thoughtful. But last week I had an experience that has given me pause. My apartment building has been hit by burglars several times over the past few months. Last week, my boyfriend and I came home and were surprised by a burglar coming out of my apartment door. My boyfriend confronted him, and the burglar charged at him—whether to push past or attack, it’s hard to say. My boyfriend quickly subdued the burglar and told me to call 9-1-1.
Here’s where it gets disturbing. He very calmly told the burglar, “Now it’s time for you to learn your lesson.” And he proceeded to beat the man unconscious, deaf to my protests that he should stop. My boyfriend handled the police (I didn’t contradict him) such that they were ready to pin a medal on him. The burglar left in an ambulance. My boyfriend’s capacity for violence came as a total, and disturbing, surprise—even more for the fact that he was not in a rage; it was deliberate and methodical. But I am not sure how to raise my concerns with him. It would come off as cheeky caviling to basically say, “I don’t like the way you defended me and my property from a criminal.” How can I talk about this with him? Am I wrong to find this scary and worrisome?
—Vigilante Boyfriend
So many questions this week can be summed up as: “Am I wrong to have this [perfectly normal reaction to a horrifying situation]?” The good news: You are not wrong! The bad news: This is extremely scary and worrisome. There are a number of very good reasons that the standard punishment for burglary is not “a public beating into unconsciousness.” This isn’t Daredevil—your boyfriend isn’t the only thing standing between a desperate city and total anarchy. Once the burglar had been subdued and you had called 9-1-1, your boyfriend’s violence was not to protect you but for his own enjoyment. That he was able to “handle” the police after beating someone into unconsciousness suggests a capacity for deception and calculation that should trouble you deeply. Not only do I think you should leave him, I think you should share your side of the story with the police. What your boyfriend committed was a crime. The fact that the man he beat up had just committed a (non-violent) crime of his own is irrelevant.
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But my second is goodness gracious, run, LW, run!
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If anything escalates, get a restraining order.
Your boyfriend is capable of much more than beating, and seems capable of spinning the facts afterwards to his advantage. You do not want this man in your life, and you want him out as quickly as possible.
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And don't let your family/friends trick you into some romanticized/cowboy notion about how big strong boyfriend was protecting you from the burglar
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She needs to contact women's advocates for her own safety and once that help is secured, she could then get help and support from them concerning which local police officers are good ones who are concerned about sexism and racism and help her make connections with those, and how to talk with them about this. And sadly, it's possible there are no members of the police force in her area who she should approach. And there may not be useful advocates for women and abuse survivors in her immediate area.
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