Dear Abby: Will my controlling boyfriend get less controlling when we marry?

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single mother of two wonderful daughters. I have a fantastic boyfriend, "Roy," who I met when I was pregnant with my second. We have been together for six months and I love him very much.

Unfortunately, he has become mildly controlling and critical. Roy has no children of his own, and he doesn't seem to realize what goes into working, raising children and running a household. Recently, he gave me a promise ring, which I accepted. He's great with the girls and he makes me happy.

My father, however, says that the controlling behavior will only get worse down the road. I think it's because Roy was laid off from work and is having a hard time finding a job. I'm sure once he's working he'll be less focused on me. Who's right, me or my father? -- MOM OF TWO IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR MOM OF TWO: When a couple has been together for only six months, they are usually still in what is referred to as the "honeymoon phase." Has Roy been jobless since you met him? If the layoff is recent, then his change in behavior may be related to his frustration at not being able to find another job.

However, your father not only has a point, he also has more experience than you do. Pay attention to what he's telling you. If Roy becomes increasingly controlling and critical, you'll know your father was right, and you should return that promise ring. So take your time and please don't rush!

Note: I am working on getting more than Dear Abby here, but I'd like to encourage folks who read other columns to post. You don't have to opine on the letter; just put it up for others to discuss ;).

Comments

[cereta]

Everyone who got chills reading that, raise your hand.

1. Controlling behavior is pretty much THE early warning sign of abuse. Many, many of the other warning signs (isolating the person from their support network, for example) come down to controlling the person.

2. I have no stats on that, but it seems to me that a person who is going to act like this when he has no legal or really concrete status in her life (that is, he's not her husband or fiance') isn't going to get less controlling when she needs lawyers to get rid of him. She had two children, one an infant,* and he doesn't, "seem to realize what goes into working, raising children and running a household"? That screams "I should be your priority; why are you spending so much time focused on your kids/job/etc?" to me. And again, if he's expecting that kind of status when he's her boyfriend, do you think he'll expect less of your time when you're his wife?

I would be wincing if this woman had no children; when she has two daughters, likely very young daughters, I'm just cringing.

*This is admittedly assuming that they started dating right when they first met, which could be inaccurate.

[azurelunatic]

Run.

[azurelunatic]

So her argument in favor of staying with the guy boils down to "this is just his response to stress; when he's not under stress, he'll be better." Great, so when this guy is under stress he gets controlling? GREAT SIGN.

[cereta]

Seriously. You know what one of the most stressful events in a person's life is? GETTING MARRIED. And then, you bring him into a house with small children. There very, very few ways I see this going well.

[kaberett]

Yeeeeep.

[firecat]

Not everyone who acts controlling in times of stress becomes abusive, but abuse isn't the only thing to think about. Some people don't like to be around controlling behavior. She should think about whether she would be content to put up with this behavior, which would likely get worse at times, for the indefinite future while raising children.

[recessional]

I wouldn't jump immediately to PROTO ABUSER OMG, and basically feel this is a classic "there is no way to actually do anything useful with this limited amount of information."

What is "controlling and critical" in this context? Are we talking actual beginning warning signs, or are we talking "he gets mad when I suggest going out for dinner because he has it in his head that he was going to make a pot-roast and insists we follow through with that plan, and also he thinks I'm being too casual about money"? Has she discussed the controlling behaviour with him? Has she discussed said realities of working, raising children and running a household? Has she discussed anything? (her letter sort of implies not, which: that's where you START.) How did he respond? Has he tried to deal with it? Has he said he'd try to deal with it? Does he think it's a problem?

Like, START with "have you actually talked to him about this, because he is not an impenetrable cipher just because he's A Boyfriend and communication is a thing and telepathy isn't" and go from there and run all the way to "have you considered couple's counselling". Most of how he responds to each step will actually tell you whether you need to drop him, or if this is one of those compromise areas of people learning to live together.

[havocthecat]

Half the problem I have with advice columnists (online and hard copy) is that many of them start leaping to conclusions on a bare minimum of information. :(

[recessional]

Mmmhm. And particularly with people who turn to mainstream columnists, I feel like so often it would actually help MORE to START with "okay first off: have you talked about this with this person in real actual sentences that directly reference and discuss the issue at hand and no, having mentioned six months ago in passing that you hate alligators doesn't count."

[sathari]

...okay, am I the only one who feels like a longer time in the "~getting to KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOW YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU~" phase before promise rings and similar would provide some clarity all on its own?

I mean, the promise ring after six months thing is actually a bigger red flag to me--- "behavior shifts during out-of-work" by itself are sucky and may need some serious addressing but have a potential natural resolution in "that energy is funneled into work" but "I want to ~lock you down into my life~" without a longer time with you" is brainscreechy to me, even without kiddos in the mix. (And with kiddos in the mix, again, maybe it's just me, but the everybody/everybody adjustment phase seems to me to need, um, pun intended, even more kid gloves than when it's just adults who can if they must shake-hands-forever-cancel-all-our-vows with at least marginally more ease than little kids can get away from a stepparent who is bad-for-them.)

[recessional]

For me that again depends on the actual context of the promise ring?

I mean I personally am in periphery of two different circles, one where they're as serious as the grave and as most people think of engagement rings as (and engagement rings might as well be marriage vows and marriage vows just mean IN THE EYES OF GOD YOU ARE FOREVER ONE NO MATTER WHAT), and one where they're, like . . . I don't know, almost the romantic relationship version of those "best friends forever" matching/piece-together necklaces. An earnest of good intent; a way of saying "I do not have commitment issues that mean that in two years when you are waiting for your engagement ring I am still one foot out the door."

So I don't know whether or not it's a red flag. If it's case #1? absolutely! If it's case #2, no. *hands*

[sathari]

You are making some awesome points both here and in your comment to the original post.

I kind of don't have the social skillpoints to unpack my red-alert response to any kind of "dudely-person making any kind of noises about commitment at the six-month mark at a lady-person especially one with other significant responsibilities" beyond the fact that it has never happened in my social circle, including but not limited to me personally, when it was not a Very Bad Sign and specifically a sign that the dude wanted to be the Most Importantest Thing EVAR to her and possibly the only important thing evar. Which, again, does not make me right in any way about this specific case; as I say, you make excellent points about different social groups and the importance of the LW using her words with her actual partner about what is going on and gathering data based on his responses.

[recessional]

Yeah, like - I don't want to come across as saying it's potentially NOT a huge screaming warning flag! Because if the behaviour is what I'd describe as "controlling", well. Run fast, run far, you know?

But on the other hand I have had people describe behaviour as "controlling" that is actually only "this person has an anxiety disorder and you treat plans like they're something that happens to other people and this is not a good mix and they are desperately trying to get a grip on what's going on" (and that's the kind of anxiety that being out of work exacerbates!) - they're not trying to control YOU, they're trying to control the world they inhabit sufficiently to stop feeling like the giant ice-bears are going to show up to devour them any second.

And likewise, I absolutely know what you mean, re dudes who want to be the Most Important Thing! I know those dudes. (One tried to date me once, which went badly for him.)

Just my home, like, micro-culture (of the hometown where I grew up and surround) also had the kind of guys for whom things like promise-rings were genuinely more of a "mass culture tells me that as a whole guys are always feckless commitment-phobic adolescent twerps with no serious sense of responsibility and choice, so this is my promise that I am not like that and I am approaching this relationship as a serious grown-up thing."

(Which I do not actually like "promise rings" as a method to do this et cetera, it's just that was their attempt at dealing with the thing. /digression)

So I end up pulling a Hex with "Insufficient data, melon melon melon, insert cucumber error, redo from start."

[sathari]

I would like to have something insightful to add to this, but you covered all the big ones, and mainly: insufficient data, NEED MOAR before formulating definitive plan of action (other than, dear lady, please talk to your partner about how you are feeling about his current behavior, which is... probably almost always step one in a relationship unless you already HAVE the data to say TIIIIIME FOR MEEEEEE TO FLYYYYYYY.)

(Also, I keep wanting to wander off into "fun with different manifestations of anxiety-disorder diagnoses and their intersection with how different people react to planning of activities and similar," but, wow, is that possibly missing the point by parsecs, there, lol.)