agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: I have been married to my husband for 10 years. A couple of years ago, I started conversing via Facebook with "Kevin," whom I have known since grade school. We briefly dated in high school, but I broke up with him.

A mutual friend passed away, and I called Kevin a few times to offer support. We spoke about the old days and our fellow schoolmates. I also shared photographs of myself and my home and a few personal thoughts. Kevin gave me constant compliments.

My husband found the text messages and pictures on my phone. There was nothing flirtatious, although Kevin had mentioned that his girlfriend only made time for sex when he was flush with cash.

My husband has blown the whole thing out of proportion and has accused me of cheating. He made a similar accusation when I went to visit my mother back home. He says it's cheating if a woman talks to another man on the phone when her husband isn't home. I don't feel as though I cheated in any form, but now all my husband does is accuse me.

I didn't want Kevin when I was younger, and I don't want him now. I just want to be friends and talk to him now and then. Can you help? -- Ever Faithful

Dear Faithful: Your husband seems overly suspicious, but part of the problem is that you were talking to Kevin without his knowledge, and this seemed secretive. If you have nothing to hide, your husband should know when you are talking to Kevin. You should willingly show him all texts, emails and Facebook messages. Right now, we suggest you limit contact with Kevin because he is a sore subject to your husband. Assure your husband that you will be more open, so he has less reason to worry. Include him in all conversations with male friends, and ask him to do the same with his female friends. But if he continues to accuse you, there is more going on, and it's time to get professional counseling.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/anniesmailbox/s-2323609

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LW's husband's problem is not that Kevin and LW were chatting. It's not that Kevin mentioned his sex life. It's not that Kevin complimented LW. It's not even that LW didn't tell hubby about these conversations.

His problem is that he thinks that it's always cheating if a woman speaks to another man without her husband chaperoning. That is a him problem that he should handle with counseling. LW should absolutely not take Annie's crap advice, because it's not gonna help. LW should get INDIVIDUAL counseling.

Also, Kevin, my man. If your gf really will only have sex with you when you are "flush with cash" then you either need a new girlfriend, better moves, or both. And while I'm not going to say it's wrong to bring this up with a friend, I will say it's a little weird to bring it up with a married and monogamous friend of a compatible gender/orientation while also giving her "constant compliments". Have you been talking about this with all your other friends, whom you shower with compliments, or is this just her? LW's hubby is a controlling ass, but you don't look too great here either.

This, definitely.

Reminds me of a trip my sister and I took to Denver to attend a cousin's wedding. We got lost and never did find the church (this was in the early 80s), and when my sister called her husband from the motel we finally settled into, he accused us of going to Denver to be whores.

I have never liked my brother-in-law...

...would prostitution even pay for gas after driving all the way to Denver and back?

This was before gas prices went insane. Or insane-r. And it was only from Santa Fe, so less than 400 miles.

This wasn't the first time he accused her of this kind of thing.

I do hope she got out.

Nope. Far as I know, she's still married to him. (I haven't spoken to her for about 17 years now.)

I'm sorry to hear that all around.

Wow, this is terrible victim-blaming advice.

This is from the "mailbox", so sometime in the past five years I really hope LW left that marriage. That's an abusive train wreck.

Wow, that is some horrible advice. Yeah, she could have mentioned that she was friends with him at some point just because it's good to talk together about friends and stuff, but handing over every single conversation with her friend just so he won't be jealous? Yikes. What will he want to control next? Her food, when she gets to go out, who she talks to and when, what she wears?

He already, apparently, doesn't like her visiting her mom.

I have always had friends of every gender, there’s nothing wrong with it (although my godawful mother thought it was inappropriate for me to have male friends when I was married), I have never cheated, and I’d dump a man who was so insecure as to insist on reading my private correspondence.

Zero sympathy for the husband here — I could (kind of) understand being surprised or concerned about a years-long friend who he’d never heard of, but his attitude that the conversations constitute “cheating,” and that he’s made this unfounded accusation before, about VISITING HER MOTHER — this is abusive, controlling, and gross.

I hope the LW got out!

This is some impressively bad advice. Does Annie always place the feelings of a jealous spouse over friendships and family? Surely at some point the problem is the guy who thinks a visit to mom's house constitutes cheating?

Okay, ignoring the fact that, as I was just telling my mother last night, I've had men send me flowers when I was in the hospital (something husband failed to do, hrmph), because they're friends/an honorary brother, the Annies missed the biggest red-flag line in this:

He made a similar accusation when I went to visit my mother back home.

This is not an isolated problem that can be solved with a, "Hey, hon, I'm calling Kevin!" (include him in the conversations? WTF does that mean?). This is a pattern of jealousy and controlling behavior. Skip the counseling and get to a lawyer.

Where's "That Bad Advice" when you need them? This is a perfect submission, bad from edge to edge.

Wasn't That Bad Advice more about giving the LW what they clearly wanted to hear? LW is sort of stacking the deck ("This friend is definitely not flirting with me, nuh uh!"), but it's clear that the husband is way more in the wrong.

Every so often they'd switch up and give good advice to someone who'd gotten bad advice, or who just got lost and asked them directly. In this case, it would be one of those: "GO. LEARN. TO. PAINT. OR. SOME. SHIT. ... Actually, do literally anything that does not involve hanging out with this dude ever."

lol! Solid advice for many a LW.

It generally was but I do remember it lampooning actually bad advice from time to time.

Huh! Maybe time for a TBA archive dive.

Whether or not I'm right that's always a good thing. :)

Here's the thing about people who think you are cheating. No matter how much you tell them you aren't. Even if they read all your emails and know where you are going 100% of the time, they still think you are cheating. Its in their head. And they have to work on it themselves. And it isn't likely that a person who thinks you are cheating will want to hear that from the LW. I really wish them luck but I also wish them the peace of getting out if they can.

FULL STOP ANNIE.

OMG, the only worse advice I could imagine is Annie telling a cutter to start sharpening now. I am really hoping that a) the LW got the hell out of Dodge quickly, and b) Annie got fully reamed for that advice. That's not just victim blaming, that's pretty damned close to abuse enabling. Wait, no. Telling the LW to show texts and tell when they're talking to any friends? That is abuse enabling.

I think "let your partner know who else is in your life" is good advice, but it's the wrong advice for this situation.

Annie's advice is ridiculous. But I get the strong sense that the letter was enjoying the attention from Kevin. She may not have ever wanted to sleep with him but she sounds like she enjoys the feeling that she could. It's the sharing of multiple photos when she was getting constant compliments.

Ultimately you either need to trust your spouse or leave them but I definitely get why he wouldn't trust her