Father Refuses To Meet His Gay Son's Boyfriend

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: Our son Greg has come out as gay. My husband can't accept it and refuses to meet Greg's boyfriend. Our other son is getting married (to a girl), and Greg will be bringing his boyfriend. My husband says he won't come to the wedding because our son's boyfriend will be there. He says it would make a mockery of the wedding. He has not told them yet.

I have tried everything I can to convince my husband to come. I told him this will destroy our family and marriage. He said he doesn't care! I told him this has nothing to do with the wedding. He will embarrass both sides of the family. He finally admitted he just doesn't want to see Greg's boyfriend. I told him he doesn't have to talk to him, but no argument works. I know our children will never speak to him again. I cannot stay married to him if he does this. I have no idea what to do. -- SUPPORTIVE MOM IN NEW YORK

DEAR MOM: Tell your husband, as calmly as possible, that the wedding isn't the only milestone in his sons' lives he will miss unless he has an attitude adjustment. Skipping the wedding will be just the beginning of his isolation because he will be absent from other important family milestones -- celebrations, christenings, birthdays, sporting events, recitals and graduations. If that doesn't wake him up, nothing will. However, if he still cannot relent, whether you should end your marriage isn't something you should decide on impulse or out of anger. A licensed marriage and family therapist should be consulted.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2323249

Comments

[conuly]

If your husband doesn't shape up, he's going to die alone. Let him stew on that a while.

But you don't need to worry that he will embarrass both sides of the family. The only person he embarrasses by his petulance and homophobia is himself.

Also, I certainly hope your other son is marrying an adult woman and not a girl.

[lilysea]

Also, I certainly hope your other son is marrying an adult woman and not a girl.

Flashbacks to all the time I've heard men [and women] refer to office workers in their 50s or 60s as "girls"...

[cereta]

I have to be honest, in this context, I wouldn't mind the "girl." I'm pretty sure my MiL uses it to describe me, or did when we first met (I was 28). In a workplace context, yeah, I'd mind, but as my icon indicates, I use it all the time myself.

[cereta]

I have to say, it is nice to see that the rest of the family will align itself with Greg. As for the advice about the marriage, seeing a counselor is never a bad idea, but knowing you cannot be with someone who forces you to choose between them and an offspring who has done absolutely nothing wrong isn't exactly impulsive. She's clearly been dealing with this for at least a few months, so I'd say she's had time to think.

[redbird]

Not to mention that "I told him this will destroy our family and marriage. He said he doesn't care!" is sufficient all by itself, since there's no reason to think that he came back the next day and said that he didn't mean it, of course he doesn't want to destroy their family and marriage, can we try that conversation over again.

Someone who think it's worse to acknowledge a same-sex marriage than to destroy his own mixed-sex marriage isn't committed to his wife or their real marriage.

[kiezh]

Yes, this. The marriage is dead in the water already - he's made it clear where he stands, and that's not with his wife and not with his children. LW desperately wants this to not be true, understandably, but the estrangement has already happened. Time to work on the logistics of leaving him and grieve (and celebrate new family members who are much less destructive!).

[legionseagle]

Or, come to that, to the institution of marriage as an abstraction.

[lemonsharks]

Let your husband ruin his relationships with his children and give yourself the gift of a good divorce lawyer. Homophobia has consequences.

And continue to support and love your children unconditionally.

[watersword]

I hope Greg, his brother, his boyfriend, his new sister-in-law, and his mom all have a wonderful time at the wedding and his dad finds himself alone in a shabby apartment, single and full of regret.

[melissatreglia]

LW, you've made up your mind and given him the choice. Now it's time to show the husband you mean what you say, and that you're not just blowing smoke up his ass.

Kick him out of the house. A few months of separation might change his tune.

If not? Then he can die mad about it, while you go on filing for divorce and being an awesome supportive mom to your fabulously gay son.

[xenacryst]

I'm with the rest of the comments, but I also want to ask - LW, just how long has your husband been a homophobic asshole? Has he been closeted; did he just come out as a bigot?

[minoanmiss]

I wonder if they once were both homophobic, but LW grew and improved as a person, for Greg's sake and/or for the sake of decency, and her husband not only has not but has doubled down.

[raine]

Or the LW thinks her husband would "come around if only he met Greg's boyfriend and see what a nice gentleman he actually is!" I heard that a lot from people when I was in my twenties. It's code for "I'll tolerate this [insert label here] person because I met him and know him. He's not like all those other [insert label here] freaks." Which, y'know, is still terrible.

[minoanmiss]

ugh, so true. Designating someone as one's Pet X Who Is Not Awful Like All Other X does not at all count as changing one's mind about being bigoted.

[ioplokon]

Also it's incredibly naive about how having a gay person in the family can produce the opposite effect. There are plenty of people who are nominally find with the idea that gay people exist in the world as like an abstract notion but can't handle their children being gay. Parents who are seem to be only mildly homophobic until the beautiful baby they made with their own body and DNA turns out to be gay and wants to tell everyone. Then they feel disgust and anger and shame, and double down on those feelings rather than work through them.

[raine]

*nods* Yeah, and in those scenarios, people tend to double down on the "you can't make me change my mind" thought processes.

[azurelunatic]

A good lawyer is vital here.

[ayebydan]

Don't waste good cash on therapy. LW's husband is homophobic trash. Get rid of him stat. Any cash you have should go on getting what is yours in a divorce court.