Carolyn Hax: With past stumbles, dad lost the right to walk her down the aisle

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn: I always knew my sister was my dad's favorite. He always made time to show up at her cheerleading competitions but never to my soccer games. Not once. Then there were the daddy-daughter dances at our high school. My sister and dad loved them so much, and I couldn't wait until it was my turn. My dad travels almost every weekend for work, so the fact that he'd stay home and go to the dances was really important. When my turn came, my dad didn't decline weekend work for me, not even my senior year, after he promised he'd make it.

I know it sounds stupid but that really broke my heart. At my sister's wedding my dad gave a toast about how she was his "special little girl" who he loved so much that he actually turned down work to go to dances with her. I had to force myself not to cry.

Now I'm getting married and there's no way I want him walking me down the aisle, having a special dance with me or giving a toast. I told my mom so she could be the one to tell him and she is begging me to reconsider, saying I'm being petty and making a spectacle of myself.

Am I? I just can't see letting him take that role just so people won't talk and he won't feel bad. He never cared if I felt bad. My fiance and I just want it to be a happy day for us and we're paying for it all ourselves, unlike my sister. Since, of course, now that they're closer to retirement, they have no money for my wedding like they did for hers.

Whatever. I'm not asking someone else to fill in for him, just eliminating those things entirely. Should I follow through with our plan?

— The Unfavorite

The Unfavorite: Oh gosh yes. Do your wedding however you want.

Your mother said you’re “being petty, and making a spectacle of myself”?

Not only is that appalling in its own right, but it is also world-class enabling of the emotional abuse your father dumped on you on her watch for your entire childhood.

She can scold you but couldn’t tell your dad it was unacceptable to skip all of his other daughter’s dances? She couldn’t call his attention to the missed soccer games and countless smaller slights? His cruel and selfish choices are obvious; hers are insidious.

Here are things I wish for you with my whole heart:

1. The strength to tell your dad yourself that you won’t be doing the traditional father-daughter stuff at your wedding. The kinder and calmer you can be in your delivery, the more devastating the message will be of what his choices have cost.

2. A beautiful wedding, as you envision it and true to your heart;

3. A long, loving, supportive marriage to someone who values you for who you are;

4. A gifted and compassionate therapist for you to call upon when the weight of your family history feels heavier than you can manage;

5. A get-out-of-guilt-free card for any distance you need from your family hereafter.

I think it’s great you’re paying for the wedding yourself, actually. No blood money. Warmest congratulations to you both.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/carolyn-hax-with-past-stumbles-dad-lost-the-right-to-walk-her-down-the-aisle/2020/01/17/78772234-3953-11ea-9541-9107303481a4_story.html

Comments

[cynthia1960]

All that and then some.

[eva_rosen]

What is this that I'm reading? Good and sensible advise? Yay! All it took was a columnist whose name didn't start with an 'A'. XD

[cereta]

I absolutely agree, and I speak as someone who asked an older brother to walk her down the aisle just for the sake of family harmony.

[ashbet]

Perfect answer.

Poor LW! Parental favoritism is so corrosive :/

[melissatreglia]

I walked alone down the aisle because my father declined my invitation to my wedding. And, while the initial rejection had been painful, it told me exactly where I stood with him.

And, being that he'd been an absentee father for most of my life, and had rejected the invite despite claiming he wanted to improve things between us, and despite my many former attempts to reconnect with him? Yeah, that was the hill he metaphorically "died" on. Because that was my line in the sand.

So yeah. I was pretty devastated, at first. But once the tears had dried, I went through with the wedding, walked myself down that aisle and, when I saw my husband smiling at me at the other end, I knew everything was gonna be okay somehow.

LW doesn't need their dad (or their other toxic family members) to have a moment they'll never forget. All they need is knowing their spouse loves them, truly and without reservation.

[minoanmiss]

I am so sorry your father treated you so dismissively, and so glad your husband is wonderful.

[jamoche]

Catholic weddings don’t even do that - something about “giving her away” looking like handing off property instead of being something the couple chose for themselves. I’ve sung at quite a few of them and I can’t recall any where the bride didn’t walk herself down the aisle - there’s nothing against having someone walk with her but it has no significance if they do.

[cereta]

Every Catholic wedding I've been to (and being Catholic, I've been to quite a few) has included that tradition.

[jadelennox]

Jewish weddings don't do it either, though some people have just picked up standard American "giving the bride away" traditions (since there's no religious obligation one way or t'other).

[lavendertook]

Carolyn Hax is consistently fabulous and perfect advice here. I feel ya, LW!