agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Prudence,

My family are all ex-military and very athletic. I had to resign my Army commission 10 years in due to a chronic condition that leaves me constantly tired and in pain. How do I get my family to plan around my limited mobility without seeming to be whiny? I buy tickets for everyone to things that are shorter in duration, like a movie or a show. On travel excursions, I pay to rent a larger vehicle that will accommodate my electric scooter. They just don’t get it and are always wanting to go that extra hour or longer that I know I can’t make. I have to be firm that I have to go home or to the hotel now and not in two more hours. I’ve heard them talk about how “it’s all in my head” and I’m just lazy. We do plan separate activities, like they go out to do ziplines or hiking and I stay poolside with a book, but they complain about that. My adult kids are good about my time restrictions because they know firsthand when the pain gets too bad, my body stops working and we’ll be in the emergency room (two times now). I love my family, but I dread shared vacations with them.
—Feeling Whiny

I don’t believe there’s anything you can do to seem less whiny to your family, because they believe that any acknowledgment that you are experiencing tiredness and pain to be an act of whining already. It’s not that they “don’t get it.” They purposefully circumvent your attempts to set up fun, accessible activities because they want to punish you until you admit, “Yeah, I was just making the pain up for attention because I’m weak. Thanks for making me walk it off.” You’ve already done everything I’d advise for someone in your situation—plan separate activities on vacation, invite them to the movies, arrange for your own transportation, let them know when you have to go home because you need to rest. At this point it’s time to pay attention to the fact that you “dread” your trips together. Stop taking trips with them. That doesn’t mean you have to pretend you don’t know them. You can still get together for the occasional movie or dinner and make sure you head home when you need to. But when it comes to multiday, expensive trips, make sure you only travel with people who respect your physical limits.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/01/dear-prudence-people-mistake-husband-brother.html

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I sympathize so much with the LW, having had similar experiences with my invisible (but very real) disability :/

Yeah me too. I have limited mobility, and my scooter lets me go a lot farther than I could without it.

Unfortunately, I don't have further suggestions, only sympathies. LW is doing what they can to be with family and the family refuses to see the attempts to stay connected for what they are. Dreading vacations because of the attitudes of the people you vacation with doesn't sound like a relaxing way to spend precious time.

Dreading vacations because of the attitudes of the people you vacation with doesn't sound like a relaxing way to spend precious time.

It's not. I also send LW all sympathies, and hopes for their callous family members catching a clue or two.

UGH, I was just talking about disability, specifically invisible disability, with my class today. Really, just not going on vacation with them seems to be the only answer.

I think what LW would be a lot happier if they could get some "do not give a fuck" about their family's conniptions. They do what they need, and if their family is upset by it, oh well? It's not actually the LW's problem? Guilt is a terrible gift and there's absolutely no shame in handing it right back to the guilt-er with a firm No Thank You.

At least the reply is a good one!

The LW seems to want to remain "polite and reasonable" despite the fact that their family could give a shit about that. And I run into people all the time who think that enforcing boundaries in any way that could seem firm is being "impolite" or "mean". I'm fairly sure that LW will never win so my advice would be to be extremely direct, firm and CLEAR about why they are turning down future invitations to outings and vacations.

"It's because of YOU and your disbelief my own limitations that I've decided to not joint you this time, thanks for asking!"

or

"My doctor has advised me that spending time with people who ignore my boundaries is a detriment to my health."

But that could easily be considered dropping a bomb on the family, but to be fair, that family seems like they're gonna be assholes to LW aaaanyway, sooo...